A personal question about intimacy....

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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 8/17/2009 10:40 AM (GMT -7)   

I have a personal question.... blush

We all know how Fibro affects every area of our lives, including intimacy with our partner. I'm having difficulty figuring out a tactful way to get across to my husband that we need to "readjust" during intimacy, without being too direct about announcing my pain / discomfort (and ruining the mood) or without being too vague (and him not understanding that there is a problem).

I cannot be in one position for very long when I'm flaring, as certain joints completely give out on me or my muscles sieze up or ache to the point of extreme distraction. I've simply been moving to a different position without explaining anything- but I worry that it makes me appear "lazy", as it usually results in my husband picking up a lot of the slack.

So, how do you handle these issues? I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has this particular problem ;) and I'm curious if any of you have found an approach that keeps the mood where it belongs.

Thanks in advance for sharing. :)


Fibromyalgia since 2007

"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit."
Helen Keller

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 278
   Posted 8/17/2009 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Be honest with your husband about your pain and your need to change positions, but also make it clear to him that you want participate and find him unbelivably $xxy. devil
Maybe let him know that you will pat him on the top of his head when you need to adjust your position.....so that you do not need to communicate your discomfort......
Our attitude towards life determines life's attitude towards us. {Earl Nightingale} 
Fibro since 2005

Irish Babe
Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1380
   Posted 8/17/2009 12:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kerri,

No, you are not the only person w/ this problem. From my personal experience, I would suggest that you bring up the subject at a quiet, private time when it's just the two of you BUT not THAT time.  Maybe if you go out for a ride or such.

I have a problem w/ claustrophobia, which can be 'fun' at times, so I had to explain to my DH that it wasn't him, it was me. This was before I had a dx for FM and it was hard to define why this was causing me a big problem. I just try to find private time to let him know how things are w/ me. This way he doesn't get too many weird surprises at the wrong time. If you get my drift.

I need to move also, and now he understands. Things change from time to time, so we just try to go w/ the flow. I think that keeping the lines of communication open about everything is KEY to all aspects of the relationship.

Hope this helps a bit.

God bless.  Alice.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 8/17/2009 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Kerri,

I am 57 and if I didn't have these crazy disorders, I'm sure I would still have some difficulty
"moving around" like I used to. I am no spring chicken, and my husband is no spring
rooster either. Somedays sex for me is just out of the question. My husband usually knows
when I feeling pretty good, and yes adjustments need to be made. There are times when
both my legs become cramped up like the rusty old tin man and I'll just start laughing.
I always tell him if I am hurting and he is very understanding. We have been together
for 32 years and he knows there isn't going to be "fireworks" all the time.

 possible MCTD, Raynauds, Fibromyalgia, Osteoporosis, Degenerative
 Disc Disease, Osteoarthritis, High Blood Pressure, Migranes and
 Pseudothrombocytopenia, biopsy shows a Scleroderma variant
 MEDS: Methotrexate, Savella, Boniva,Lisinopril, Folic Acid, Flexeril, and
 Vitamin Supplements

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 8/17/2009 6:09 PM (GMT -7)   
When I start hurting during the fun, I say "Let's try *position name here*!" and hubby has no probs changing up. Unless the pain is just too bad to continue, I don't mention the pain during the act, but talk about it afterwards. The first few times I asked to change positions, hubby thought I was just being adventerous and didn't know until I told him it was because of the pain LOL

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

My train of thought derailed long ago, now I take the bus, few more stops, but I eventually get there.

FM, costocontritis, wide spread arthritis, fibroid tumors, PTSD, 2 heart attacks at 22, PID

Buspar 10mg, Acetometaphen 500mg, Ibuprofen 800mg, B-complex,

whippet mom
New Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 8/17/2009 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Ok, I have a question as well that is ... I guess a little embarassing.
  How are you guys  ... um... even in the mood for this?  With how sore I am plus the meds supressing this mood.  This is the absolute last thing on my mind.  It just seems so painful when It occurs - I ususally can't wait for it to be over.

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/18/2009 4:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I guess I'm fairly lucky in this department. I do have some good days. On my bad days I am honest with my husband. He does get frustrated at times, but he understands it's not because I don't find him atractive. we just make the best of our good days and he helps through the bad ones.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 712
   Posted 8/18/2009 9:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,  I am so glad you felt you could share.  This was a sensitive subject for my husband and I too.  But when I talked to him about it, he understood.   But making love is a pain reliever for me.  They say it's supposed to be for everyone.   Not that I am in the  mood a lot.  But I have also told my husband I would like to have it just be all about him sometimes.  When I talked to him about this, I took his hands in mine and just shared with him that I am not always in the mood, which has nothing to do with loving him less or thinking of him as a sexy man.  It's just the pain over rides my intimate feelings and I don't think about it much.   It also helps to let him read things that others share about having fibro.  That was the biggest help.   But  it also angers me that they have so much for men for their sexual dysfunction and they don't care if women do or not.    I wish someone would come up with something to use for us too.   But just share with him that it's not him that is hurting you, but your body doesn't work like it used to.    I don't have the pain like some others during.  But it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship and can tell him.  But make sure you let him know it's not him.   I told mine it angers me that I don't have the feelings I had a few years ago because I know how important it is to men and some women.  But we too are in our early 50's and things have changed in the last ten years.     But it can just be for his pleasure only sometimes and it allows you to be creative because your focusing on his pleasure.  lol.
good luck.
back to square #1- off meds for now-dx with fibro.  Have a positive ANA. . Pain reliever. lodine- possibly neurotin 300mg, (not sure about that yet) sublingual B-12 , Chronic shortness of breath, sinus infections.  Asthma/COPD.

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 8/18/2009 4:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me.  I really do appreciate it.  It makes me feel very comfortable asking any kind of question on this forum.  :)

I also appreciate your advice.  So, it seems the consensus is....I should say something, preferably at a time when we are not in the bedroom, but during if necessary.  If during, do so, then immediately express my enjoyment of our time to my husband, letting him know he is unbelievably sexy. scool

Sounds perfect!  :)  Thanks again, everyone. 

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 8/18/2009 5:01 PM (GMT -7)   
My husbands prefers honesty even when it comes to intimacy. If I need to change positions, I ask him if we can. He is always up for it. If no matter what it still hurts, I tell him. I feel guilty about it, but he tells me not to be because it ruins it for him if he knows I am in pain but say nothing. He is pleased that I do my best to work through the pain to make love to him. Sometimes, the effort, even if it ends disappointing, means a lot. I would sit down and talk about this completely honestly. He needs to know that you DO want to be intimate with him, but sometimes you need to switch positions. Tell him you feel bad about him sometimes having to do all the work, but you appreciate that he does because you really do enjoy intimacy. That is very important thing. Let him know that he is desirable, and that it isn't him, that it is your pain that sometimes gets in the way. I hope this helps.
'Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of.
You might bend til you break
'cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up
decide you've had enough.
You get mad.
You get strong.
Wipe your hands
shake it off.
Then you stand.
-"Stand" by Rascal Flatts

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 599
   Posted 8/18/2009 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Kerri, thanks for bringing this up. I've been wanting tot alk about it too. I'm 41 and the sexual dysfunction is terrible - I've gone from volcano to dust-devil it seems, and I had to have the talk with my boyfriend last night. It was a quiet moment and I started by telling him how much I appreciate him and listed some specific times when he made me really happy and made me feel really sexy. Then I just put it out there that I needed more warm-up time and maybe couldn't necessarily follow thru to the end every single time, but that I enjoy every single minute with him. We joked about how not everyone can follow thru every time, so it turned out ok. I also said I've never expected to have to bring this up until we were older. :)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 8/20/2009 8:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Since I'm in the ladies forum. Referring to sex relations. I have been having much trouble in that arena. Sexual ability has been down for the past months due to pain. My husband cheated on me in the past with an older woman and it's a constant reminder that I have to keep on my toes. Right now I look like death. skull My eyes are black and my stamina is down. He's more worried about me cheatting on him. Checking on me all the time after the affair. When I attempt to have relations now I just go with the flow and act like everything is okay. That's like once a month. For 3 months I was down and couldn't do it. I was like a stiff. Always crying, b/c of the pain. That's how I deal with it sometimes. The pain I mean I just cry or scream in a pillow. cry
Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofacial pain syndrome, Malaise, Fatigue, Migranes, Cervicalgia.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 8/20/2009 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I think I have sexual dysfunction as a woman and I'm only in my early 30's. I don't know if I should tell my Dr. It's like one more thing to add to the list of problems. I used to be able to be on top. Now I'm fatigued and can't finish. That's what my husband likes. I can't seem to do it. When I get migranes the intimacy takes it away. I told my husband that works.
Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofacial pain syndrome, Malaise, Fatigue, Migranes, Cervicalgia.

yankee girl
Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 8/21/2009 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Communicate. Just talk about it---ideally before the next time so he'll understand what's going on--- being creative can be fun!
I'm in a lot of pain too until I start taking my daily meds, so I understand---hubby knows this and totally understands.

good luck KerriH!
fibro, PTSD, anxiety, severe nerve damage/several surgeries on wrist, TMJ--have titanium disks, depression, mitral valve prolapse.
xanax, roxicodone, melatonin, accupril, HRT

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 236
   Posted 8/21/2009 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I have a kinda of embarrresing question...

I keep getting boils down in that area on my hair line and panty line. I always seem to have at least one and they seem to last for ever before I can get rid of it.they hurt as you can emagine . do any others have this prob.. I'm starting to think there is something wrong . some sort of viris that has not been dx'ed yet .
just wondering if anybody else has ever had this probelm
Spirit ~

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