Guilt again...I don't get it.

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2858
   Posted 8/23/2009 6:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Yesterday we got invited to a friends house to swim in their pool.  It was one of those lovely days when I felt like I had the flu, so I passed and the hubby went.  I got a phone call about fifteen minutes later and he tells me a bunch of people were there and wouldn't I reconsider joining them.  Okay...I go.  The first thing I see is the owner of the pool floating around and his stomach is beet red and swollen like he is about four months prego.  It seems while mowing his eight acre lawn he got stung by a wasp.  His wife is sitting in a chair,  looking like the crypt keeper.  Their cat has bitten her twice on the wrist and it went to the bone so she was on some super duper anti-biotic and had spent the day barfing.  The other couple had just come from riding their bikes in a 26 mile marathon to raise money for the YMCA.  I looked at his knees and he has six inch scars on both of them.  His wife's back was nothing but scars...a long one from her neck that went 3/4 of the way down.  Both of her shoulders were nothing but scar tissue.  After this marathon, they were now swimming laps.  BTW...all of us are in our early 60's.  I just sat there and watched everyone wincing and groaning...but they all were not letting the obvious pain interfer with having a good time.  There I am, wondering if I have a 101 degree fever because that's what I felt like and all of a sudden they want to go to the movies.  Thankfully, the hubby said he had to go home and give an on line test that evening so I didn't have to decline.  But oh brother...I felt like such a woos.  Such a BABY.  What's the deal, here?  I don't understand the physiology of the slightest pain just more intensified for us??  I could not fathom mowing an 8 acre lawn (he has had two knee replacements, BTW) or even  riding a bike to the end of my driveway.  I have been feeling so guilty about having this disorder lately...the handicapped sticker really got me.  I don't get it anymore.  Guilt.  That's a strange emotion to feel when you are trying to beat this thing by not staying isolated and enjoying life the way others do.
I simply DO NOT GET IT!
just a's been a long, hard three weeks.

fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: Lexapro and valium

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17526
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, Donna, your friends have had to deal with pain but then they recouperated and are feeling much better.  When I had my ostomy surgery, I was cut from right below the sternum all the way down, had 86 stitches, but yet felt so much better after the surgery.  I've never had knee replacements but my aunt did...along with shoulder replacements.  Once the surgery was over and she was healed, she didn't have much, if any, pain.  She had the scars but not the pain and was back out on the golf course.
We don't have the scars but we do have the pain and the fatigue.  Our pain doesn't ever leave us.  We just have different levels of the pain but the pain is ALWAYS there.  Our pain is more intense, too.  Little things like banging your knee is so much more painful for us.  My kids would playfully give me a swat and I swore I was going to have a bruise the next day because of the pain, but none appeared.  This never-ending pain beats you down.  AND, because we don't have scars to prove that we are really having this pain, we are judged, told how to live our lives, etc.  That just adds more stress and pain for us. 
People without fibro don't have that.  They fix what is wrong with them...but we can't.  So many of us are trying extraordinary means to try to get our health back but it usually is temporary.  Your friends, though, had ways of getting much of their health back.  Trust me, if they had the pain that you and I have, they wouldn't be mowing 8 acres.
Feel better.  You are having a crummy day.
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:17 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Sherrine, they have conditions that their surgeries will improve. With Fibro there is no cure. I also have Crohns Disease and Osteoarthritis, I have had surgeries related to these, but everyday is still filled with pain. Don't be so hard on yourself, with Fibro there is treatment, but no cure.

Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease and Anxiety/Panic Forum
Crohn's Disease for over 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium  w/Vit D, and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 8/23/2009 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow...Sherrine said it all. And yes...I've read somewhere about fibro that our pain IS intensified. It's also not limited to one part of our body.

Don't feel'll just feel worse for nothing.

Keep smilin'


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Donna. Whenever I feel guilty I ask myself, "did you do something wrong?" (My therapist taught me that a long time ago). Guilt is meant to make you feel bad when you do something wrong, so you don't do it again. Y'know, you haul off and hit your friend in the face, then you feel guilty . . .

Our pain is intensified. If the guy had fibro, he wouldn't be mowing the lawn and your friends would not be riding marathons if they had it. Plus, constant pain wears us down. It hurts to be touched sometimes. A while back I posted something about big brother commercial. I don't watch it, but saw the preview where a cute girl in a bathing suit said, "who wouldn't want to be carried around by a big guy?" I always thought that everyone hurt to be touched and I was shocked that she would want to be carried around. I wouldn't!!! No way!!! It would hurt to have the pressure on my body where I was being carried.

Danib, I am proud of you. You managed to do something fun and take care of yourself at the same time.


American Woman
Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Donna
I really understand about the guilt. My hubby was setting scaffolding up to put a new roof on our house and asked if I could hand him some planks. I felt so bad because I couldn't even lift them and he figured a way to do it alone. I felt so guilty because he's putting a roof on our house and I can't even lift a few boards. I thought about that the whole weekend and just decided that if I can't do some things anymore then I guess that's the way it has to be. I can still enjoy the beautiful weather(when we have it) and enjoy the birds singing. My hubby didn't have a problem with me not being able to help him, it was all me. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I believe you are doing the best you can and if people don't get it then I guess that's their problem. Sometimes I wish they could walk a mile in our shoes and see how we feel, then I think maybe not because I wouldn't want anyone else to go through what we do.
Hang in there and I hope tomorrow brings a better day.
American Woman

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 8/23/2009 8:52 PM (GMT -7)   

You should feel proud of yourself for even going!! Feeling like you were, just making it out the door and being around other people was a feat in itself. Rather than feeling guilty, pat yourself on the back! :0)


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1156
   Posted 8/24/2009 1:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Always remember Donna, you are still tougher than they are. I once read a quality of life survey where it was discovered that terminally ill cancer patients had a higher quality of life than people who had fibromyalgia.

One suggested reason was that the cancer patients knew what was happening to them and so did their doctors. They could also accept an ending when we could not.

My friends who had new knees, hips and other pats replaced were up and running. They have little or no pain. We cannot replace anything because nothing is brokeng. lol


Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/24/2009 4:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi donna,
     I often feel guilt for my condition as well. The worse part of it is when I can't do things with my daughter. She is getting older now, and is able to understand that I want to do things, but sometimes i can't. I still feel that I am some how cheating her, because if she had a mother who is well she wouldn't have to deal with the disapointment. I hope she remembers all the things I can do, and not all the things  am not able to do. I deal with my guilt by reminding myself it's not my fault, and when i am able to enjoy time with my daughter i make the best of it.
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