Extremely sad and depressed...

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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 9/4/2009 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I am usually cheery when I post here, but I am unbelievably sad, depressed and sick to my stomach at the moment.  I wasn't sure where else to go, so I decided to post here.
My son started a new school this week in a new town.  It is a Charter school that was a great opportunity.  It is about 25 minutes away from where I work, but a ways away from where we live.
The Boys and Girls club has an after-school program in the same town and a school bus goes there.  I had arranged for him to go there after school; he has been there before for summer camp.
Well, we found out at the end of last week that they were not open Monday and Tuesday of this week, since the other public schools did not open until Wednesday.  Then, this morning, I looked on the calendar and found that they were not open today either.  I figured it out in time and picked him up from school; I picked him up on Monday & Tuesday as well.
There are very few days that they are closed when the school is open (3 during the entire school year).  Today was one of them.
My husband FLIPPED!  He has been yelling at me much of the night.  He says that this was supposed to be figured out, the week was a complete disaster, etc.  He was angry because our son could have been dropped off to an empty building, had I not noticed the calendar.  But, he just lost it on me - yelling, slamming doors.  Left for a while, came back, still pretty ticked at me.
I understand that what happened today was bad - or could have been.  I made a lot of phone calls to the B&G club over the last several months, asking about their program, making sure it was happening this year, arranging the bus, etc.  Two things I didn't realize was 1) the charter school we are going to does not operate off the same calendar as the rest of the public schools and 2) that the B&G club has a couple of school days that they are closed.
I am so sick to my stomach over this, over my husband flipping out.  I don't know what to even do with myself.  I am in so much Fibro pain too, which is not helping.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 9/4/2009 6:45 PM (GMT -7)   

I am sorry you are upset. You were able to pick your son up at school, so no harm came
to him. Hopefully your husband will calm down and realize this.

If you are able to, soak in a hot bath and do some deep breathing. This usually helps with
relieving some stress and taking the edge off the pain. I hope you are able to get a good
nights sleep.


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Date Joined Jun 2008
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   Posted 9/4/2009 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Kerri, I am so sorry. Ask your dh this, has he never made a mistake? Did he try to arrange the bus and camp schedules? This could have happened to anyone. It is not fair that he yells at you over this. Hopefully once he has had a good night's rest, he will be calmer. No harm was done, thankfully. Your dh should be thankful that you caught this. I'm sorry if my reply does not help, I just hate seeing you so distraught . But I just can not minimize how wrong his actions are. (((HUGS)))
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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 9/4/2009 8:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your responses.  I really do appreciate it.
My husband has since apologized for yelling so much.   He found me in the bedroom sobbing.  I kept crying and could not stop.  He held me for a long time while I cried, telling me he loved me.
But, I don't really feel much better.  If ANYTHING goes wrong this year, he will react the same exact way.  Was I wrong to sign my son up for this after school program?  What if the building floods and I have no idea and they are closed when my son gets there?
I am usually NOT one to play "what if" games.  I am usually pretty tough, roll with the punches calmly.  But, I feel I'm under tremendous pressure.
I wanted my son to have this amazing educational opportunity.  We cannot afford the extended day at the school & the B & G club has a progam for $25 a year.  The bus brings him there, there is a basketball court, foosball, air hockey, movie nights, etc.  They have "swipe" cards that they swipe when they arrive.  When I pick him up (no outside adults are allowed back to the kids), they call his name on the microphone and he comes to the front, swipes his card to get out.  The staff are very friendly.
IF my son ever was dropped off w/ the building closed....it is not in a terrible area, but it is a small city and it would not be good for an 11 year old to be sitting there for half an hour until I got there.  I would be horrified if I showed up and he was sitting on the steps.
I really thought I had arranged all this quite well, but I guess not?
My mother in law has always thought this was a mistake, so she had an "I told you so" look for my husband earlier today, which did not help.
I am usually such a confident woman; I am feeling like a terrible failure right now.  Intellectually, I realize I am making WAY too big a deal over this.  But, I can't seem to stop feeling awful.  cry
Thanks again for listening....

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 9/4/2009 9:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Kerri,
I'm so sorry you had to go through this.  There are so many things that other parents have done that are way more significant than this.  As Robin said, no harm was done and you didn't do anything from negligence or indifference.  You sound like a very caring mother. 
I guess your post has especially affected me because MY husband can be very insensitive towards me; I know how much that hurts.  And as if that isn't enough, the stress and upset can exacerbate your medical conditions.  I don't know why some people can't see that their actions can have devastating effects on someone's health.  And I do understand how an unpleasant experience can send you into a depression even after an apology.  Unfortunately, the damage is done by then. 
Try not to be too hard on yourself.  As I said before, you sound like a VERY caring mother.  Hold onto that and feel better. yeah
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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 9/5/2009 5:50 AM (GMT -7)   
KGood, thank you for your response. You really helped me.  It is nice to know that I'm not alone.
Mamanan - thank you for your post; I guess you are right, it could have happened to anyone.
My husband spent the morning holding me and telling me that I am a wonderful mother. He apologized for what happened.  Said "I really should have handled that better."  Told me he loved me, that he doesn't want anyone else raising his children. He said he freaked, because it had to do with our child's safety.
I have to say, though, I am still hurting quite a bit.  The apology didn't take way the pain.
It WAS a very stressful week.  Our 3 year old also started school this week; he is going to a special needs preschool.  We decided to move, because we cannot afford our house.  There is a lot of pressure on us all.
I just wish my husband could roll with the punches better.  I tend to remain VERY calm during crisis or stress, while my husband...um...vents his frustrations openly.
I have to go....thanks for listening and responding.  I am glad I can come here. 


Fibromyalgia since 2007

"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit."
Helen Keller

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 9/5/2009 6:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry that you are going through this. It was wrong of your husband to flip out the way that he did. Yes, things could have been bad. Your son could have been dropped off to an empty building. But he wasn't. You noticed in time. That is what is important. There's no sense in him getting so pissed about something that COULD have happened. Maybe you should remind him of that. I really am sorry that this happened to you. I really hope you start doing better. I really think you need to sit down and talk with your husband. Talk with him about how you feel about when he snapped at you and yelled at you for something that COULD have happened. It is important to discuss your feelings with your husband. He won't be able to understand if you don't let him know. Good luck to you. I'm sending you lots of soft hugs. Take care hon.
'Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of.
You might bend til you break
'cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up
decide you've had enough.
You get mad.
You get strong.
Wipe your hands
shake it off.
Then you stand.
-"Stand" by Rascal Flatts

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 9/5/2009 7:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Kerri, I'm sorry your under so much stress right now. Does your DH take any responsibility in keeping track of the boys schedules??? No harm come of this and your being way too hard on yourself. I was healthy when raising my three boys and it is not easy keeping up with all the schedules of who goes where when and I was a stay at home mom for the most part. It sounds like you have the schedule figured out now so this won't happen again.
My neighbors two boys goes to a B&G club after school and it sounds like a nice place for them to go. I worry more about the children that are expected to go home after school by themselves til one of the parents gets home. You are a good mom!!!
luv and hugs
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 9/5/2009 7:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Whenever someone gives me flack for the job I'm doing I instantly realize that they have a much better grasp of the situation than I do... Point this out to them and move on to the natural conclusion. I GIVE THEM THE JOB! Problem solved. This son is both of yours, correct? I have yet to discover the rule that says that daddies can't set up school scheduling.

I'm sure that your husband would probably be much better than you at this so perhaps it would be better if he took over this task. (Sarcasm intended!) When I did this with my hubby about problems that arose with us he very quickly became much more supportive and much less critical.
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 9/5/2009 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I would like to share a story with you that I did to my ex husband. I was a stay at home Mom at the time, my husband a US Marine. I had two little ones at the time my baby was 2 mos and my oldest was 20 months. Yes only 18 mos apart. He made a comment to me about how easy my job was. I could sit at home eat bom boms and take care of the kids, how hard could that be? Well, I got good and mad at him and left the house for over 8 hours, him alone with the kids! When I left I said those kids better be in the same condition I left them and my house too. When I came back I found a very frazzled man, trying to comfort two crying babies, while trying to get them something to eat. He apologized profusely and said he would never say that again. And he never did.

You sound like a very thoughtful and loving mother who has worked hard to make sure all is well with your son. You averted any problems by promptly picking him up from school. Your husbands behavior was unexceptable, but I am glad to hear that he apologized. I agree with some of the above, you need to let him know how much his words have upset you, and cause you to doubt yourself. Please do speak up for yourself and let him know how he made you feel. I understand how you feel, when I am that upset my anxiety kicks in and literally makes me physically sick. Sending gentle hugs to you!
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17528
   Posted 9/5/2009 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Kerri, it's called a mistake.  There isn't a person alive who hasn't made a mistake.  Your husband made a mistake, too, and I really don't think he'll react that way again by the way he held you and told you he loved you. 

When I would drop my kids off at school, I never drove away until I saw them go inside.  The doors would be locked if there was no one there, right?  Also, you would see other parents and children around.  Because of this, I highly doubt you would leave him at an empty building. 

Please don't beat yourself up over this.  I know you stressed out when you saw what you were doing and blamed it on the fog.  But, actually, anyone could have made that mistake since the school schedules are different!  You now know and you won't make that mistake again.  That's what's great about a mistake.  We learn from them, don't do it again, and move on.  Please feel better.


Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
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God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 278
   Posted 9/5/2009 7:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Great job heading off a possible disaster. You were all over things figuring it out BEFORE it happened.
Sorry your husband was so upset despite you taking care of the situation.
You did awesome and continue to take good care of your family!!
Our attitude towards life determines life's attitude towards us. {Earl Nightingale} 
Fibro since 2005

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 9/6/2009 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone,
Thank you again.  You are all such amazing people!!  I am so lucky to have found this place. 
My husband has been trying to be very sweet, since the incident.  He has told me he loves me more times than I can count.  He keeps hugging me, trying to do things to make me laugh (without success).
I told my husband how much he scared me the other night.  I actually said "I'm afraid of you".  I told him that, while he has never physically hurt me or the kids, I actually feared that if I said the wrong thing the other night - he might have.  He lost control and I had no idea what to expect.  My heart has never pounded that hard - ever.
He swears that it would never happen - and that it never has (it hasn't). 
He really hit me right where I'm most vulnerable, and that is what hurts so much.  It would be just as painful for him if I were to point and laugh at him for anything sexually related.  He attacked me as a mother and I am not sure if I will ever really get over it.
But....he spent the morning again, today, telling me what a wonderful mother I am, holding me, etc.  My disgust with him is starting to melt away....a little.  I have been unable to look at him without seeing that scary man, which makes me nauseaus, which certainly doesn't get the "love" flowing!
I feel a little funny sharing such a personal story with all of you, but I'm glad I did.  You have all been very comforting and reassuring.  Thank you.  :)
I'll be ok...

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 2660
   Posted 9/6/2009 7:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Kerri:  Please read my "Gotta vent" post.  I can relate!  I hate it when people go ballistic over something that cannot be changed, and lash out after the fact.  I think it's more about them than us. God bless!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 9/6/2009 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I am glad you are feeling better now Kerri. It is more difficult when someone we love attacks us than if an acquaintance or stranger does. We have all made mistakes and you did a lot to make sure this after school programs works out for him. Maybe you can post the schedule on the refrigerator for the whole family to see. Then when there is a day different from the regular school schedule, everyone will know and will remind one another.

Take care,

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 9/6/2009 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
He must have acted out of concern don't you think? He seemed to be very afraid of something...and men sometimes get angry instead of showing their vulnerable side also which is fear. Could it be that he was afraid your fog was getting the best of you? I'm sure he was afraid of your child being alone. Could it be something in his past that made him react so out of character?

Whatever it was you did nothing wrong. You retrieved your son on time and all was well. It seems also that after he had time to consider his actions...as you said...he was sorry he blew up the way he did. Wish my hubby was like that...he stays angry lol. Never hits me but just stays angry. It sounds like you have a good one there sweetie.



Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 9/14/2009 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you again, everyone. You all helped me very much. :)

We've been talking quite a bit since. Last night, we both finally opened up about things that have been bothering us over the last several months. It was amazing to find out just how much we DON'T share with each other, that gets bottled up and comes out in other ways.

Thanks again...



Fibromyalgia since 2007

"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit."
Helen Keller

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 9/15/2009 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I am one of those people who blows up and then is sorry. It's something I have tried to fix but after almost 58 years I believe it's probably not going away. Forgive him and remember the next time, he will be sorry again. My hubby is pretty understanding when I blow and allows me to apologize... but he does keep score and brings things up later. Try not to do this... if you can.
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

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