what an appropriate term. when i think of the word "flare", I think of a fire that is just starting to build .... becoming powerful and comsuming and dangerous quickly.
i went from 'ok .. i can handle this' for a long time to 'oh LORD this is killing me' so fast this time. today i felt like i was wearing a concrete suit. it's a kind of tired that i just can't explain to anyone in my family. bone tired.
one of the children in my classroom ran and jumped on my back when i was tying another child's shoes ... i thought i was going to cry right then and there. i almost snapped at this little boy .... but I knew he was playing and had no idea how much it would hurt. they are only 4 years old, and some have emotional/behavioral problems. so i bit my tongue and swallowed my tears ... long enough to get into the bathroom. then i just fell apart. i wanted to sit on the floor .. but worried i wouldn't be able to get back up. when i came out, my eyes were puffy and red, my assistant could tell i had been crying, i just walked to my purse, took more advil, and tried to smile through the rest of the day.
i called my mother (thank GOD for her!!!) and asked her to keep the kids for a while so i could go home and crawl into bed for a bit ... was so tired i don't even remember most of the drive home. the stairs seemed like too much, so i laid on the couch and passed out for 2 hours .... woke feeling like i could sleep another week .... dragged myself out to get my kids .... was back in bed by 7:30 and now ... can't sleep.
i'm still trying to be optimistic. trying to focus on things to be thankful for. like my mom ... who watched my kids, made our supper, offered to help me wash dishes, etc. i am soooo thankful for her. and for my kids ... they are such amazing people. they just crawl into bed with me when i zonk so early and watch tv while i sleep. and my dogs .... they are my 'bed buddies' ... they know when i am hurting and follow me around ... staying near ...
oh gosh though, this hurts. i mean really HURTS. no one understands ... i mean .. no one in my family or at work. not my best friend. everyone thinks i'm 'just depressed' ... (which is bad enough!). i went to work today looking awful ... cause my arms hurt too much to lift them long enough to do my hair or makeup. someone asked if i was getting the flu .... i must have looked even worse than i realized!
sorry ... i am grumbling a lot lately. i am just soooo tired .... so sore ... so frustrated ... and no one near me understands. which makes it so much worse.