Poindexter and Norah have checked into the fibro suite at the Ritz. After an exhausting day of shopping they have both fallen asleep...Norah on the bed and Poindexter in the hot tub. Of course, it is fibro-sleep, riddled with strange dreams and the constant need to change positions. As he soaks in the swirling, steamy water, Poindexter is dreaming, yet he thinks he hears a knock at the door. Is this thump, thump thump, real...or a fibro hallucination? Perhaps Norah is having a Restless Leg episode and she is kicking the crap out of the bedside table. He slowly
opens his eyes and turns off the jets. Yes. Someone is definetley pounding on the door.
"Go away!" he yells.
Silence, then "Room service....Compliments of the manager!"
Poindexter groans. Yes, the manager has always been good to him. After all, he has rented this fabulous fibro suite many times. He reaches for his Snuggie, wraps it around his shoulders and climbs out of the tub. Owie, Holy Moly and double owie. Why is it that sometimes a hot tub soak is a pain relieving miracle, and other times it sends his entire body into a giant spasm? Geez, maybe he doesn't even have fibro. Heat is fibro's best friend, after all. Maybe he has.....Deep Stinking Dirty Rotten Osteoparthoractic Symbosis! (aka: DSDROS) He shakes away this disturbing thought and hobbles to the door. opens it. (Organ Music please)
Yes...it is Steede Toesnapper. In his hand is a lovely bouquet of flowers and a five pound bag of Milky War bars. He kicks the door all the way open with his foot, pushes Poindexter aside with his shoulder and enters the room.
Poindexter feels helpless as he stands there in a major full body spasm (MFBS) and oh the fog...is this a dream? He looks over at the hot tub to see if he is still in it and perhaps having an out of body experience. It is empty. He wants to move...Goll dang it. Helplessly, he watches Steede approach Norah. Oh, the humanity. He so much wants to Be A Man.
Steede leans over Norah, then shakes her gently. She opens her eyes, sees Steede and screams. Blood curdling, the kind you see in axe murderer movies.
"Oh Norah," Steede whimpers. "Please don't screech like that! It makes my ears ring for days when you do that! You know I have sensitive ear canals...wax and what not..."
Norah sits up, sees the bag of Milky Way bars and snatches them out of his hand. "What are you doing here, Steede! And...and...is that a wig you are wearing? OMG...from the Ava Gabor collection?"
He sags with a sigh. "Yes...yes it is. You burned all my hair plugs to simmering whiskers. I found this wig in the hotel gift shop. $3676.00. I think it is rather attractive and will conceal the damage until I get back to the Hair Club for Men next week."
She pops a candy bar in her mouth. "Well...I think it looks ridiculous."
"Norah...I am not here to talk about my hair. I am here for...for...you! I want you back! Before you say anything, I know I am a fool. A womanizer...a player...fickle...all those things. But after spending two hours 'in conference' with Brandi with an 'i' I am certain it is you I love! Please take me back!"
Poindexter gimps towards the bed. "be a man...be a man' he repeats to himself over and over. One step, rest. Another step, rest. At this rate it will take him a week to reach his destination.
Steede sits on the bed. OMG...how soft and comfy, he thinks to himself. He stokes her face.
"%^*&^$ Owie" she yelps. But of course.
Norah slides away from him. The temptation is just too great. She must not touch him. "You are a phoney toesnapper. I'm sorry, but I cannot consider being in the life of a lying fraud."
Steede uses his wile to convince this confused fibromite. "Did not my toesnapping and bunyon scrapings help with your pain...huh? Oh..I think it did. So what if I didn't have a license...which by the way...I will be awarded by the end of next week. Three classes in Advanced Toesnapping and I'm good to go. Once again...Toesnapper to the Stars!" (he lifts his heads towards the heavens, basking in his own wonder).
Poindexter is creeping closer. This cannot be happening! Norah is not being assertive enough! She is wolfing down those stupid candy bars while Steede slithers back into her life! 'make a fist...can you make a fist?' he mumbles to himself. Oh the hands. Sometimes they are the worst culprit. He rolls them into a ball. Yes!
Steede scoots closer to Norah, with one eye on Poindexter. Yes...he is really no threat, but he has seen a fibromite in action. Sometimes body parts just start flailing around. Feet with a mind of their own. Many many times he has felt the might wrath of the out of control foot spasm.
"So what do you say, Norah...will you give me another chance.?"
"Sheish foeudhy lugihgiueu ohjuoop!" she replies, three candy bars in one small mouth.
"Huh?...spit out that giant wad of creamy nougat! I need to know!"
"She says no way! Hell would have to be selling ice cream cones for Dairy Queen before she takes you back!" Poindexter yells.
Steede stands up and rolls up his sleeves. "You wanna fight me, Fibro-Boy? Wanna take this outside?" Steede sneers. Oh, what a piece of cake THIS would be.
We fade to black. Organ music...tons of it. A commerical for the law offices of Bloodsucker, Parasite and Leach. If you took the drug Flactiomixin and died, please call their office for massive compensation. Hmmm.
fibro, menieres disease
, anxiety disorder
, disc compression, scoliosis
, spinal stenosis TMJ
Meds: valium Advil
Post Edited (vestabula) : 2/2/2010 8:52:05 AM (GMT-7)