How can I get husband to understand

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/19/2010 7:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I have not been officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, but I really think I have it.  I ache all over.  My pain will move from my back/shoulder blade area to under my arm/arm pit and shoulder. Then it moves up in to my jaw. The pain can stay for months then move to the next area.  My jaw hurt for 3 months.  Right now I have pain in my shoulder blade area.  Stress is definitely a trigger.  For the past week my ankle & heel hurt.  My leg ached up to the knee.  That seems to have lessened  today.  I have sporadic muscle twitches and sometimes I will get an eye twitch that will last for weeks. I try to swim to relax my muscles.  When I am in the pool my husband will come up to give me a hug.  He hugs tight and it hurts.  I try to tell him gently that I love his hugs, but sometimes they hurt when he hugs too hard.  Then his feelings get hurt and he gets rude. Any suggestions? I have so many other symptoms. I don't sleep.  When I do get out of bed I can hardly move.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 554
   Posted 7/19/2010 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   
FMRookie, Welcome. You're in the right place to find out more.

What you describe sure could be symptoms of fibro. It also could be a few other things, some of which can be more treatable than fibro. Have you seen your doctor about this? I'm so sorry you're feeling so much pain. Whatever is causing it, you deserve to be understood.

I'm sure the others will pop on here tonight and tomorrow and give you more suggestions. Keep holding on.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 7/19/2010 9:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Next time you see the Dr get your hubby to go with you & listen to the Dr.......

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 7/19/2010 10:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rookie!

And welcome to the family!! Your husband doesn't understand because he doesn't understand or know anything about fibromyalgia. Plus he doesn't want you to have fibro. When you tell him it hurts and it's not his fault he's likely in denial and is frightened. I'm guessing he knows a little bit about fibro as you might have told him, but I would guess that inside his mind he's denying any thoughts of his lovely wife being afflicted with this frustrating disorder. His fear, denial and lack of knowledge turns him into a child because he probably doesn't know how to act.

Imagine him coming home and telling you he has some disorder that you've never heard of, is not curable and that he will live in pain the rest of your life. That's what he's facing. Now, I'm not excusing his behavior because he should be more sympathetic and ask questions. At this point it's up to you to find out if you truly have fibro and then make sure he comes along so the doctor can explain it to him too. So many husbands mean well but their heartfelt feelings come out all wrong. They want to 'fix' whatever it is we have and make us like we used to be. When they can't some react in strange ways. Education is the key to the problem. Often people with chronic pain seek counseling to learn how to live better and cope with it and their significant other really needs to be part of it too. Remember those vows we took? We are one and we need to work on this and the rest of life together. OK, I'm getting a bit sappy but when one spouse turns his/her back on the other it's the beginning of problems. Time to talk and draw together.

I agree that your symptoms could very well be fibro and as TheChickenPrincess said, they could be something else too. Most likely not, but you must find out that it's NOT lupus, MS, or a bevy of other things. We are right here beside you and will hold you hand the entire way. It's not an easy diagnosis unless you are fortunate and have a great doc who can spot and treat it early on. I am one of the lucky ones but more often it's a long haul to get to the cause of our pain.

Please keep in touch...OK?
If you're going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

(> <) Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
Fibromyalgia, PTSD, UC, Diabetic on insulin, collapsed disk, arthritis scattered around and a few other delights.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1556
   Posted 7/20/2010 5:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi and welcome to our family. You have gotten some great advice from others. I just wanted you to know that I can relate with you on your boyfriends reaction to your pain. My husband was raised in a family where they played rough and he had no concept of the word gentle. I dont think he knew his own strength at times and when I told him something hurt He would just think I was being a baby about it and he would get mad. It took along time and alot of patience on my part to get him to understand. Even now with his MS he is still strong as an ox, its just that his body no longer has the coordination. I have to laugh everytime a dr. tells him to squeeze their fingers with his hands at how amazed they are at the strength he has. Oh well thats another story. Just wanted you to know that I can relate. You have come to the right place there are so many wonderful people here. Once again, welcome to our family and I hope you get a diagnosis and a good dr. soon.
Gentle Hugs
DX: Fibro, Gerds, COPD, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, High Blood Pressure, and Depression.
When I get where Im going dont cry for me down here. (Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton)

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17524
   Posted 7/20/2010 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, FMRookie, and welcome!  I'm so glad you found us and joined in.  The members that have responded are right on the money.  Yes, your symptoms do sound like fibro BUT fibro shares many of the same symptoms as other illnesses.  You really do need to be checked out and have these other illnesses ruled out first.  Self diagnosis isn't a good idea with these symptoms.
Be sure to check out Fibro 101...the first thread on the forum.  There are links to good info about fibromyalgia and you will learn a lot there.  There is a link called What Else Could It Be.  Please read that one.  This is exactly why you need to be checked out by your doctor.  Make sure they do treat fibromyalgia patients, though.   There are some doctors that still don't really believe this illness!
If it turns out that you do have fibro, there are things in Fibro 101 that can help  your hubby understand a little.  No one totally understands this illness unless they suffer from it too.  But, these will shed a little light on the illness for him. 
Something that helped me with my husband was something that was important to him....books!  He taught our children never to bend the corner of a page to mark where you left off AND he taught them to turn pages carefully...."like wings of a butterfly"!  Now, I used that terminology with him when it came to hugging.  I wanted him to hug me like I were the wings of a butterfly.  It worked!
I'm happy you are here.  Don't hesitate to ask questions but please do get checked out.  I hope to hear more from you soon.
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 7/20/2010 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the family! You have recieved great advice. it does take others awhile
to understand how easily we feel pain, and that sometimes just a touch can hurt.
My hubby had a hard time understanding that this pain sensitivity stays with us and does
not disapear like the flu. He understands now, but it took sometime.

Hoping you will find just the right med combo to help with pain relief!

Hugs, Robin
Fibromyalgia, MCTD (Lupus, Scleroderma & RA) Raynaud's, Osteoporosis,
Osteoarthritis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Migraines, and Hypertension
Prescription Meds: Savella, Cyclobenzaprine, Methotrexate, Diltiazem, Boniva,
Folic Acid.  OTC Meds: Multi-vitamin. Vit, D, Vitamin B12 & calciim supplements

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41907
   Posted 7/20/2010 5:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,
And welcome to the fibromyalgia forum.  You have come to a wonderful site.  This is the place where you don't feel alone anymore.  Everybody here understands how you feel. 
As posted by Sherrine, do check out fibro101.  It is so informative.  Another thing I want to remind you of is keep moving.  If you don't, you wont be able to do anything.  Your muscles will get rigid and you will be in a lot of pain.  I try to walk as much as I can and that really helps.  
I hope that your husband comes to realize how you are feeling.  It helps so much when they understand.  And please do start seeing a doctor about it.  Once you get a diagnosis, you will know what you are up against.
Take care, keep posting and know that we are all here for you.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/20/2010 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank's to all of you for input.  It is helpful just know there are others out there that understand.  I have a great doctor who is a D.O.  He is very through and always spends a fair amount of time with me.  I have mentioned my different aches, pains etc.  I have never said the "F" word to him. To be honest I am afraid of getting diagnosed because I don't know how this will affect my medical coverage down the road. I realize there is no cure, but afraid it will come back to haunt me. Thanks again for your words of encouragement. 
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