Helen and Shirley Look For Love

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2858
   Posted 7/25/2010 6:24 AM (GMT -7)   
It is hotter than the southern tip of Hell and a storm is brewing.  Thunderheads are gathering on the horizon, black and plump with rain.  Helen and Shirley can feel it coming and have decided to cancel their trip to the Pepperidge Farm Outlet for day old Milano Mints.  Instead they are in Helen's kitchen sitting on heating pads, playing Scrabble.  Shirley uses all her letters and spells Jutzquex on a triple word score...345 points.
"I challenge...there is no such word," Helen says.
"There certainly is.  It's the ultra magnetic, anti gravitational field found deep in a Black Hole.  You should watch the Science Channel once in awhile." Shirley replies, knowing her friend can never catch up.  She also knows there really IS no such word and chuckles to herself.  Besides, she let Helen use Flipshaw.  Helen thinks it one of those carts used in the Orient to transport people around.  It's JUST a game after all.
Shirley knows she cannot be beaten and says she is bored with Scrabble.  She picks up a copy of Hunka Hunka Burning Love Magazine and turns to the personal ads in the back.  Helen buys it for the 'stories'. yeah
"You know, dearie, just because we are fibromites doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the company of a nice man once in awhile," Shirley says.  "Listen to this one."
'Mature single man looking for companion with similar interests.  I enjoy watching old movies,  reading novels by a roaring fire and carving exotic animals out of soap.'
Helen rolls her eyes.  "You have to read between the lines.  He's an old geezer with one foot in the grave.  I want excitement. I
can do all those boring things by myself."  She grabs the magazine.
"Here we go! ' Middle aged Dude looking for Dudette who has never been incarcerated.  Must like to slam dance, go on cross country motor cycle rallies and  be good with a gun.  Tattoes and body piercings a plus.'
Shirley is slack jawed.  Good with a gun.  Helen couldn't lift a gun, let alone shoot it.  "Yeah, you go for that one.  I don't believe you have slam danced in over a month," she says sarcastically.
Helen closes the magazine.  "  Shirley, how do I look...honestly...do I look, you know...normal?"
'Well, stand up and let me give you a once over." Shirley tells her friend.  Helen hikes herself out of the chair.
After a few moments Shirley clears her throat and says:  "Your shoes are on the wrong feet and you could use some nair over your upper lip.  Other than that you look lovely."
Helen sighs and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.  It's no moustache but cocoa from breakfast.  The she sits back down and puts her shoes on correctly.  No wonder her calves were in a spasm.
Shirkey stands up.  "Now you look at me...tell me the truth."
Helen obliges.  "Well, your long johns are hanging below the hem of your slacks and I do believe your shirt is inside out.  Nothing major, dear.   You are quite fetching, and any man would be lucky to have you."
The lights are flickering and rain is starting to slap against the windows in sheets.  Incredibily, there is a knock at the door.  Helen gimps across the room, peeks through the window and opens it.  It is Frank, her next door neighbor.  He has lost power and wonders if Helen might have a candle or two to spare.  Of course she has candles but where are they?  She looks in her candle drawer...nothing.  Then the freezer, silverware tray and she finally finds several in the coffee canister.  Shirley, in the meantime is giving old Frank a good look-see.  He's not bad, not bad at all.  She has seen him from a distance before, but never close up.
After he leaves, Shirley says.  "I think Frank is very handsome...a keeper if you ask me."
Helen groans.  "He has a hernia...for Pete's sake...wears a truss.  I have seen it when he bends down to pull weeds."
Shirley throws her arms up in the air.  "WE ARE FIBROMITES!  In the middle of the summer we wear sock caps, whale blubber parka's and thermal underwear!  When we get up in the morning we feel like we have been beaten with a meat mallet and our arms and legs have been stuck in a bee hive!"
Helen crosses her arms...owie.  'And your POINT is?"
"Well...a hernia seems like nothing...it's not like he is covered in boils..."
There is a giant clap of thunder and both women jump two feet in the air...double owie.  But it has diverted their attention.
"I know...let's dye our hair green.  I think we would look totally excellent,"  Helen says with a smile. tongue
Shirley agrees.  It WOULD be totally excellent.
Finding true love will just have to wait for another day.  Besides.  Helen should be getting her latest copy of 'I'm Handsome, Rich and Full of Myself" magazine in a few days.  No gun freaks in there. yeah

fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: valium Advil
Reach out and touch someone.  If they don't touch you back it's because you still  have brownie batter on your face.

Post Edited (vestabula) : 7/25/2010 9:33:11 AM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41937
   Posted 7/25/2010 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Donna,
Helen and Shirley are a couple of wonderful characters.  You are doing a great job with this.  So interesting to read.  I can't wait to see what their next adventures are...
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

MT Lady
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 969
   Posted 7/25/2010 6:53 AM (GMT -7)   

After spitting my coffee out all over my keyboard and peeing myself (just a little), I finally stopped laughing. What a great way to start my day! Thank you, my friend!

have a great one


Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, back problems, hypothyroidism.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 7/25/2010 7:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Donna, I love Helen and Shirley! They are the fibromite version of Lucy and Ethel!

Hugs, Robin
Fibromyalgia, MCTD (Lupus, Scleroderma & RA) Raynaud's, Osteoporosis,
Osteoarthritis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Migraines, and Hypertension
Prescription Meds: Savella, Cyclobenzaprine, Methotrexate, Diltiazem, Boniva,
Folic Acid.  OTC Meds: Multi-vitamin. Vit, D, Vitamin B12 & calciim supplements

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17529
   Posted 7/25/2010 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Donna, you are hysterical!  This is sooo funny.  I do hope you are writing this in your padded room!  turn
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1556
   Posted 7/25/2010 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Donna, thanks for the laughs this morning. You are a great writer please keep them coming.
Gentle Hugs
DX: Fibro, Gerds, COPD, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, High Blood Pressure, and Depression.
When I get where Im going dont cry for me down here. (Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 198
   Posted 7/25/2010 8:27 AM (GMT -7)   
I have enjoyed this so much. What a way to start the day...You ARE Crazy.
Keep em coming.
Diagnosis:  Fibremyalgia, Chronic Myofacial Pain, Degenerative Disc Disease, Degenerative Joint Disease, Connective Tissue Disease, Lupus, Osteoarthritis, Anemia, Issues caused by being severely double jointed. Vitamine D Difficency.
Meds:  Vicadin, Meloxicam,Omepraxole(high dose previced) Vitamin D 50K , Ambian, Savella,Lyrica, Tramadol, Cyclobenzopine, Voltaren Gel, and Pennsaid Drops.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy paths acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5,6


it's a new day
Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 7/25/2010 12:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much. I wish I had a friend like Helen or Shirley to share fibro with.
Please I can't wait for the next episode.

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5951
   Posted 7/25/2010 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Donna, Write on!!!
This too shall pass...   
.......fibromyalgia, hearing loss, elevated liver enzymes, skin grafting (back), arthritis, scoliosis, lumbar disc damage, sciatica, IBS, migraines, tachycardia, cancer surgeries (face).......I take Nortriptyline & Clonopin daily, and Darvocet as needed

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 554
   Posted 7/25/2010 10:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally enjoyed this. I'll one up Robin and say they're BETTER than Lucy and Ethel. I hope you keep writing their adventures. They're a lot of fun.

Thanks for allowing us to read it.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 202
   Posted 7/26/2010 6:08 AM (GMT -7)   
OMGSH, that is so funny.
What a great story and I can so relate to most of what you wrote. LOL!

You definately have a talent. :D
Fibro    Acid Reflux    IBS

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 7/26/2010 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Bravo!!! Thank you for bringing a brillant ray of sunshine to my otherwise stormy day.

Breathe in, breathe out...repeat
Fibromyalgia, collagenous colitis, osteoarthritis, peripheral neuropathy, moderate spinal stenosis (C3-C6) carpal tunnel, sleep apnea
Current Medications: Premarin 0.625mg, Oxycodone 10mg, Hydrocodine 10-325mg, Tricor 145mg
Other: Omega 3 Fish Oil, Cinnamon, Calcium/Magnesium, Vitamin D, Glucosamine Hydrochloride

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 202
   Posted 7/29/2010 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I think I reread this almost everyday for a chuckle.

It's almost like I'm right there in the kitchen with them. LOL!

Great job and I look forward to reading more.
Keep them coming.

Fibro Acid Reflux Bicuspid Aortic Valve Disease


aleve flexeril as needed ambien to help sleep

vitamin d and iron



Don't think about what you used to be able to do............
Think about you DID do today !

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