Helen and Shirley go to their Rheumy

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2858
   Posted 8/3/2010 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   
The girls are going to their Rheumy on this hot muggy day...Dr. Ima Moron, M.D. PhD, CCPA, LLC.  Whatever.  They have back to back appointments, just like always.  Helen picks Shirley up and off they go.
"I'm just going to tell him my Lyrica is not doing the job, " Shirley says.  'I think I saw Elvis the other day, and that's not right."
Helen shakes her head.  "Now dearie, I'm sure you just had your sock cap on too tight again.  But I agree.  I am a bit disappointed with my progress also.  I'm thinking of asking him for a prescription for a hot tub.  Some inusrance companies will pay for those, you know....if your doctor claims it will help your condition."
Shirley sighs.  What a load of hooey.  Obviously her friend had been reading the 'How To Suck Every Dime You Can Out of Medicare' news letter again.  No sense in arguing.
They arrive at the doctors office, park and go in.  Of course it is 50 degrees in there, but they are layered in Gortex so no prob.  Just as Helen is about to pick up a seven year old People Magazine, the nurse calls her name and escorts her into a cubicle.  "The doctor will be right with you' she says.  Helen chuckles.  The doctor is somewhere in the back of the building reading Golf Digest.  But, to her surprise he enters the room immediately.  He sits down and opens her 8 inch thick chart, and asks her what he can do for her today.
"I am just not happy with my  pain medication.  I think it has stopped working....I KNOW I saw Elvis the other day.  He was sitting in my fibro chair, clipping his toenails."
Dr. Ima Moron giggles.  "Oh Helen...how many times have I told you about wrapping those scarves of yours too tightly around your neck.  They cut of the blood supply.  Nevertheless, THIS is your lucky day.  There is a new drug just approved by the FDA for fibro pain.  It's called Syracitatiokoilorcichidjuk acid...better known as Screamola."
Screamola?  Helen thinks.  Yikes!
Dr. Moron disappears for a moment and returns with several boxes of samples.  "I am giving you a starter pack that you will take for two weeks.  One pill a day, in the morning with food.  If you find relief I will write you a prescription."
Helen takes the blister packs.  Hmmm.  Screamola.  Sounds ominous...but what the hey.  She thanks the doctor and heads back into the waiting room where Shirley is tapping her feet to Muskrat Love that is blasting through over head stereo speakers.
Shirley is next.  Helen picks up a Newsweek whose headline reads "President Richard Nixon Resigns," and tosses it back on the table.  She is fovever forgetting to bring her own reading material.  To her surprise, however, Shirley returns in less than ten minutes carrying the same drug samples that were given to her.  They sign their insurance forms and leave.
"Let's go to that whatchamacallit place where they serve all those different teas and coffees...we went there after our last doctors visit...the place with the green sign..."  Shirley says.  The name of it was on the tip of her tongue and it had something to do with astrology.
"Starbucks?" Helen asks.  She can remember the name of the place but does not recall going there after their last trip to Dr. Moron's office.  Luckily, they have each other to fill in the blanks.  They drive around in circles for a half an hour until they finally find the coffee shop.  Get out of the car and gimp inside.
"I'll have a mocha chocolate chunk double caramel low fat latee, hold the coffee," Shirley tells the server.  "Easy on the foam and load up on the whipped cream. "
"Likewise for me, only triple up on the caramel," Helen says.
They get their drinks and head for a table. Shirley takes out the five pages of drug info tucked into one of her blister packs of Screamola.
"Holy crap! Listen to this, Helen!" she gasps.  'Side effects may include  'migraine headaches, projectile vomitting, explosive diarrhea, fainting upon standing, grand mal seizures, screaming, blood clots, internal bleeding, more screaming, amnesia, loss of vision, nose bleeds, tooth decay, boils, lots more screaming and mouth fungus.  More serious adverse reaction:  Death.  Be sure to contact your doctor if you suffer from this irreversible condition'.
The ladies just look at each other, slack jawed.  'I'm not taking this," Shirley says, licking the foam from her upper lip.
Helen just shrugs her shoulders.  "You know they HAVE to list all those things to save themselves from lawsuits. Remember Mildred from the senior center?  The one who is always hiding my cane because she thinks it's a gut busting laugh and a half to make me hunt for it?"
Shirley nods.
"Well, she is forever complaing about her stupid GERD...how she can't eat anything greasy...blah blah blah.  I say we give her one of these pills and tell her it is a new acid reflux med...take her to lunch and if she doesn't fall face first into her bowl of chili, we're safe!"
They high five each other...Owie.  Drink their 4000 calorie drink and all in all consider it a good day.  Watch out, Mildred...don't screw around with a fibromite!
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: valium Advil
Reach out and touch someone.  If they don't touch you back it's because you still  have brownie batter on your face.

it's a new day
Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 8/3/2010 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you so much for the giggles.

Keep it up.

You certainly have a gift. 

You help us to laugh at ourselves.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 8/3/2010 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
You cracked me up again! Loved the docs name MORON...I would love to hangout
with Helen and Shirley and drink their kind of latee.

Thanks Donna for the good laugh!

Hugs, Robin
Fibromyalgia, MCTD (Lupus, Scleroderma & RA) Raynaud's, Osteoporosis,
Osteoarthritis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Migraines, and Hypertension
Prescription Meds: Savella, Cyclobenzaprine, Methotrexate, Diltiazem, Boniva,
Folic Acid.  OTC Meds: Multi-vitamin. Vit, D, Vitamin B12 & calciim supplements

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1556
   Posted 8/3/2010 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Donna, I love these stories of Helen and Shirley. Please keep them coming.
Gentle Hugs
DX: Fibro, Gerds, COPD, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, High Blood Pressure, and Depression.
When I get where Im going dont cry for me down here. (Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 8/3/2010 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   
I can just imagine the doc saying "Mor-OWN! It's Spanish!"

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17501
   Posted 8/3/2010 10:33 AM (GMT -7)   
I love it, I love it, I love it!  These are wonderful!  You may be in a lot of pain but fibro sure hasn't affected  your writing abilities!  Keep 'em comin'!
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 906
   Posted 8/3/2010 10:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hilarious, Donna! BTW, my dad did get his insurance company to pay for a hot tub. He had terrible RA. But that was almost 30 years ago. DIane
Fibromyalgia since 1984, Sjogren's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Auto-immune eczema, GERD, osteoarthritis, IBS, RLS, sleep apnea

Nana Monster
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 957
   Posted 8/3/2010 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Vesta,
I'm just sitting here writhing in pain and the laugh was much needed. I had artho knee surgery this morning to repair a
torn cartalidge and the dr didn't give crutches...he said it was ok to walk on it. Now I can hardly move the darn thing.
I've got ice all around it as he made 3 incisions. Mix that with an arthritis flare.....OOWIE!!!!! shocked

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 554
   Posted 8/3/2010 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Donna, this was just great - enjoyed it so much. Thanks so much for sharing with us more of Helen and Shirley's adventures.

I'm not sure if you already do write for publications - but it sure seems like it would come easy to you. Wouldn't a regular series in a fibro magazine be a hoot for all the readers?

NanaMonster - I'm so sorry about your surgery and pain from this morning. No crutches? I say you get down to his office and whack him with your chart until he sees that you are having problems and need something!
Why my username? It is real life nickname. I love chickens. Will have my flock of hens one day! :D .............. DX'd with Fibromyalgia, chronic hives, sensitivities and allergies, migraines with auras, tmj, and IBS. Not sure what else!

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5948
   Posted 8/3/2010 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Yuk, yuk!!  Good one!  It's true - you really would lighten people's days if you got these into a widespread magazine, Donna.  They're "aha" moments that just keep comin'.
This too shall pass...

.....fibromyalgia, hearing loss, elevated liver enzymes, skin grafting (back), arthritis, scoliosis, lumbar disc damage, sciatica, IBS, migraines, tachycardia, cancer surgeries (face).......I take Nortriptyline & Clonopin daily, and Darvocet as needed

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1286
   Posted 8/3/2010 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
I liked the name of the med, screamola......sounds an awful lot like savella. Great story!!
Denise from Pittsburgh, Pa
 ***diagnosis: high blood pressure, gastritis, fibromyalgia, hepatitis (SVR/cleared),  disc problems in neck, depression, anxiety & stress, cervical headaches, porphyria-PCT, IBS
 ***meds: metroplol 25mg, zoloft 150mg, gabapentin 300mg 3x a day zocor , (soma, fioronal, tramadol, as needed).
 ***other supps: calcium, vit D 2,000-4,000 per, milk thistle, vit C &E, acidopholos (sp?),  
CO-Q 10,  flax or fish oil, ginsing, magnesium, B complex,

MT Lady
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 969
   Posted 8/3/2010 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   
OY! I should know better than to read these with a full bladder...now to go change my underwear...but...it was well worth the puddle, or piddle...whatever...you are HILARIOUS! Genius!
thank you!

Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, back problems, hypothyroidism.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 198
   Posted 8/3/2010 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
OMG... I really needed this today. I am sitting her laughing so loud and it hurts.. Great to be laughing .. Keep them coming... I look forward to the saga's ....Thanks
[u>Diagnosis: ]

Meds: Vicadin, Meloxicam,Omepraxole(high dose previced) Vitamin D 50K , Ambian, Savella,Lyrica, Tramadol, Cyclobenzopine, Voltaren Gel, and Pennsaid Drops.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy paths acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5,6


Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 382
   Posted 8/3/2010 7:57 PM (GMT -7)   
I saw this, this morning sorry I am just responding but thought it was funny thinking to myself I know these people......bwaaaahh

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2858
   Posted 8/4/2010 4:42 AM (GMT -7)   

NM...sorry about your pain and hope you are feeling better!



fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: valium Advil
Reach out and touch someone.  If they don't touch you back it's because you still  have brownie batter on your face.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 1771
   Posted 8/4/2010 5:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Lol, I think I've been to him before, or at least his twin brother. turn

NM, I hope you are feeling better soon.

Hugs - Austen
"There is no charm equal to tenderness of  heart." - Jane Austen

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 202
   Posted 8/4/2010 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you!

I've been waiting for this ever since I read the other one.

I'm just about to pee my pants from laughing so hard.

Very well done!

Fibro Acid Reflux Bicuspid Aortic Valve Disease


aleve flexeril as needed ambien to help sleep

vitamin d and iron



Don't think about what you used to be able to do............
Think about you DID do today !
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Wednesday, November 22, 2017 7:02 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,896,976 posts in 317,949 threads.
View Active Threads

Who's Online
This forum has 157532 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, davejb2301.
332 Guest(s), 8 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
bleepitybleep, mikeb2308, Scaredy Cat, getting by, Saipan Paradise, Lostcoast, Greenie024, PDXtransplant

About Us | Advertise | Donate
Newsletter | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer
Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
©1996-2017 HealingWell.com LLC  All Rights Reserved.