The girls are going to their Rheumy on this hot muggy day...Dr. Ima Moron, M.D. PhD, CCPA, LLC. Whatever. They have back to back appointments, just like always. Helen picks Shirley up and off they go.
"I'm just going to tell him my Lyrica is not doing the job, " Shirley says. 'I think I saw Elvis the other day, and that's not right."
Helen shakes her head. "Now dearie, I'm sure you just had your sock cap on too tight again. But I agree. I am a bit disappointed with my progress also. I'm thinking of asking him for a prescription for a hot tub. Some inusrance companies will pay for those, you know....if your doctor claims it will help your condition."
Shirley sighs. What a load of hooey. Obviously her friend had been reading the 'How To Suck Every Dime You Can Out of Medicare' news letter again. No sense in arguing.
They arrive at the doctors office, park and go in. Of course it is 50 degrees in there, but they are layered in Gortex so no prob. Just as Helen is about to pick up a seven year old People Magazine, the nurse calls her name and escorts her into a cubicle. "The doctor will be right with you' she says. Helen chuckles. The doctor is somewhere in the back of the building reading Golf Digest. But, to her surprise he enters the room immediately. He sits down and opens her 8 inch thick chart, and asks her what he can do for her today.
"I am just not happy with my pain medication. I think it has stopped working....I KNOW I saw Elvis the other day. He was sitting in my fibro chair, clipping his toenails."
Dr. Ima Moron giggles. "Oh Helen...how many times have I told you about wrapping those scarves of yours too tightly around your neck. They cut of the blood supply. Nevertheless, THIS is your lucky day. There is a new drug just approved by the FDA for fibro pain. It's called Syracitatiokoilorcichidjuk acid...better known as Screamola."
Screamola? Helen thinks. Yikes!
Dr. Moron disappears for a moment and returns with several boxes of samples. "I am giving you a starter pack that you will take for two weeks. One pill a day, in the morning with food. If you find relief I will write you a prescription."
Helen takes the blister packs. Hmmm. Screamola. Sounds ominous...but what the hey. She thanks the doctor and heads back into the waiting room where Shirley is tapping her feet to Muskrat Love that is blasting through over head stereo speakers.
Shirley is next. Helen picks up a Newsweek whose headline reads "President Richard Nixon Resigns," and tosses it back on the table. She is fovever forgetting to bring her own reading material. To her surprise, however, Shirley returns in less than ten minutes carrying the same drug samples that were given to her. They sign their insurance forms and leave.
"Let's go to that whatchamacallit place where they serve all those different teas and coffees...we went there after our last doctors visit...the place with the green sign..." Shirley says. The name of it was on the tip of her tongue and it had something to do with astrology.
"Starbucks?" Helen asks. She can remember the name of the place but does not recall going there after their last trip to Dr. Moron's office. Luckily, they have each other to fill in the blanks. They drive around in circles for a half an hour until they finally find the coffee shop. Get out of the car and gimp inside.
"I'll have a mocha chocolate chunk double caramel low fat latee, hold the coffee," Shirley tells the server. "Easy on the foam and load up on the whipped cream. "
"Likewise for me, only triple up on the caramel," Helen says.
They get their drinks and head for a table. Shirley takes out the five pages of drug info tucked into one of her blister packs of Screamola.
"Holy crap! Listen to this, Helen!" she gasps. 'Side effects may include 'migraine headaches, projectile vomitting, explosive diarrhea, fainting upon standing, grand mal seizures, screaming, blood clots, internal bleeding, more screaming, amnesia, loss of vision, nose bleeds, tooth decay, boils, lots more screaming and mouth fungus. More serious adverse reaction: Death. Be sure to contact your doctor if you suffer from this irreversible condition'.
The ladies just look at each other, slack jawed. 'I'm not taking this," Shirley says, licking the foam from her upper lip.
Helen just shrugs her shoulders. "You know they HAVE to list all those things to save themselves from lawsuits. Remember Mildred from the senior center? The one who is always hiding my cane because she thinks it's a gut busting laugh and a half to make me hunt for it?"
"Well, she is forever complaing about her stupid GERD...how she can't eat anything greasy...blah blah blah. I say we give her one of these pills and tell her it is a new acid reflux med...take her to lunch and if she doesn't fall face first into her bowl of chili, we're safe!"
They high five each other...Owie. Drink their 4000 calorie drink and all in all consider it a good day. Watch out, Mildred...don't screw around with a fibromite!