thanks for the welcome and the hug, sf! mucho appreciation here.
(love the emoticons -- wanna click on em all)
thank you also, karen, our wonderful moderator (just calls em likes you sees em! you seem wonderful to me, case you're wondering).
i am not taking pain meds. my stomach cannot handle otc's (can take 2 or 3 doses of tylenol or ibuprof. before i get this horrible grinding sensation that will lead to a horrible stabbing sensation that can last for days, so i won't eat and everything will get *worse*).
i am ashamed to say i have no diagnosis but mine own -- but i've taken months and months and years of searching and seeking and experimenting and hoping and trying this or that herb to come to my conclusions, right or wrong.
i'm still now trying to distinguish between perimenopause (i'm 48 now) and the fibro symptoms -- because they are similar and all connected. or so it seems.
i refused to believe i had *anything* other than hormone problems. i have not even been to doctor yet. have not been to one in fifteen years. hate and fear them intensely. my daughter had numerous med problems, so i've met and worked with or fought with MANY docs/med profs. my special needs daughter grew up and when she left home my body just . . . collapsed. more or less.
(my son had left home one year before her)
i never thought i'd be one of the "sick ones." i was so healthy. i thought so anyway. but i wasn't. and i never *looked* sick either -- except on the days when i was really, *really* bad off . . . but i excused those, cuz EVERYONE has "bad days," right?
anyway, i thought i could "fix" what was happening to me. better diet, herbs, meditation, yoga-stretching and lots and lots of raging-against-the-machine, so-to-speak. And crying. Lots and lots of crying too. (ow ow ow this hurts, that hurts, i'm weak, nauseaus, dizzy, faint, drifting off -- oh! i'm dying? okay! please, Death, hurry. i hate it here on earth).
had a recent med crisis. realized now that my life is in the crapper. completely. no money. no home. no job. no energy. no hope and no clear thinking to even *find* hope. i'm now 3 grand into the ER in med bills (for an abscessed tooth no less . . . who can afford dental care?). i couldn't take the meds given me, even though the infection was moving down my neck . . .
i was surely screwed . . . but my body seems to be holding back the infection on it's own and the tooth has been removed . . . but i feel pretty awful and --
help help help.
sis says i should wear a sign around my neck: MAKE ME ASK FOR HELP. (like Sandra Bullock in 28 days) lol
she's right tho. so . . . here i am. sad and ashamed and stupid and blaming myself because i just can't "get it together" no matter how hard i try. (am i just lazy? imagining things? *everyone* has pain and discomfort, don't they? why can't i handle this?)
i am living with a relative for free and feel like a sponge (he is not really even a relative, he's an ex-in-law! how's that? my mom and sis and me were all in biz together and when the economy turned, our ship sank. we all went down together; we've no one else to turn to, none of us; and now i'm useless as a worker/human as well -- especially financially.)
uh-oh. violins again. sorry.
so, ah . . . pain meds? what are those? i'm ten years into this and somehow only just beginning my journey now. even my kids don't know the full extent of it.
okay. gonna post this. even tho i'm afraid i'm gonna get b-b-qued for it. ("what do you mean you haven't been to a doctor?!?" "what are you doing on this forum with no diagnosis? what nerve!" etc.)
please excuse me and forgive me if i'm posting here erroneously (without an official diagnosis, I mean). but i really should wear that sign around my neck. because i do need help. really.
so i'm going to post this even tho i don't want to. ugh. this is WAY longer than i'd hoped. and way more info than i'd planned.
peace out, dawg.
(sorry. always wanted to say that) Gblue