Helen and Shirley have a tiff....

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Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2858
   Posted 9/7/2010 4:59 AM (GMT -7)   
It's 6:00 Am and barely light out.  Shirley is jarred awake by pounding at her front door,  Walleyed with fright, she grabs her cane from the end of the bed and her spray can of mace...well...she thinks it's her mace but in fact it is her saline nasal spray.  So many things clutter her nightstand.  Slowly she gimps to the front door, the nasal spray nozzle aimed straight at her face.
"Who's there?" she croaks in her early moring Anthony Quinn voice.
"It's me, Helen..let me in!"
Shirley unlocks the door and Helen Rushes in.  "I can't do this, Shirley...I can't keep the $25,000 we got for promoting Screamola!"
Shirley is still disoriented.  "Why didn't you call me first...Holy Crap...I about popped a vessel!"
Helen sinks into one of the fibro chairs.  'I DID try to call.  Your  phone is dead."
'Did you try calling me on your remote control again?  My phone is NOT dead," Shirely sighs.
Helen shrugs her shoulders.  Maybe...probably.  All these electronic devices look the same.
Shirley hitches off towards the kitchen to make them each a cup of tea.  Helen yells to be heard.
"Have you seen our Screamola Commericals?  They are on non stop!  I was watching the 'How To Buy a House for Thirty Five Cents Channel' in the middle of the night and there we were!  And by the way...I think they PhotoShopped us!  I don't have red hair!"
"Oh Helen, it was probably all those lights bouncing off that monster red Kirby vacuum cleaner bag."  Shirley replies.
"Really...well have you taken a good look at yourself?  You have a mouth full of pearly white teeth...Horse teeth.  And no chin flab.  I'm telling you..we have been PhotoShopped!"
Shirley returns with two cups of scalding hot tea and takes a seat in the remaining fibro chair.  "I think I looked rather fetching,"  she smirks.
Helen is not amused.  "We live in Fibroville.  Let's consider THAT!  Everyone knows us and will rush out and take that drug.  Think about it.  Screaming and howling and yapping...day and night...keeping us awake!  Everywhere we go...woman with beards and mouth fungus.  Their husbands will form little groups in the dead of night and discuss ways to knock us off.  Oh yes they will.  We will be run out of town, Shirley.  I am going to return the money and demand they take that commercial off the air."
Shirley picks up her cane and whacks the arm of Helen's fibro chair.  There is fire in her eyes.  "You will do no such thing.  You will take that money and buy the Hot Tub you always wanted.  Then we will fulfill our dream of going to the Grand Canyon.  We are gettting a bit long in the tooth, you know.  We don't have forever.  And...who cares if the air is filled with the sound of screaming fibromites? Personally, I felt rather energized after an hour of non stop howling.  And...think of all the business Walmart will get...fibromites buying Norelco razors and bottles of Nair.  Look at the positive side!"
"But...It's a lie...we only took one pill!"  Helen whines.
Long silence.  Shirley knows her friend has a point but she is going to cling to that money like a Blackwater Leech.  "They will NOT take the money back...nor will they stop showing the commercial.  We didn't even sign a contract.  If you ask me, they should be paying us everytime that commercial airs...whatchamacallit residuals.  Now drink your tea."
Helen takes a sip, then giggles.  "You know, it was kind of flattering that what's her name...oh you know who I mean...Ah, Yes.  Gertrude from the Bookmobile.  She asked me to autograph her Screamola pill bottle.  And now that I think about it, no beard or screaming.  But it just seems wrong that we are promoting a drug we never really took."
Another whack of the cane on the arm of the chair.  "Do you think Cheryl Tiegs, Jacklyn Smith and Martha Stewart Shop at K-mart?  Do you really believe Drew Barrymore wears Covergirl make-up...no...they all shop at Saks Fifth Avenue.  And Robert Wagner...has he ever gotten a reverse mortgage?  It's all a lie, Helen...get with it!"
Helen leans back in her chair and closes her eyes.  As Adrian Monk would say 'It's a blessing and a curse.'  Maybe she would just focus on the 'blessing' part.  She starts to doze off...not much sleep that night.
Shirley covers her friend with a blanket, and takes the tea cup out of her hand.  She notices one stray chin whisker but thinks she won't mention it.  She sits back down and tries to turn on the television with the garage door opener.  Just another day in Fibroville.

Post Edited (vestabula) : 9/7/2010 9:40:54 AM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41845
   Posted 9/7/2010 6:01 AM (GMT -7)   
You sucessfully did it again Donna. Another episode. You are so talented. I really enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work Donna. I hope that you are saving these, you could write a book.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1556
   Posted 9/7/2010 6:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Donna, I needed that laugh today.
gentle hugs
DX: Fibro, Gerds, COPD, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, High Blood Pressure, and Depression.
When I get where Im going dont cry for me down here. (Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 1771
   Posted 9/7/2010 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   
And...who cares if the air is filled with screaming fibromites? ...... LOL, LOL!

Thanks again for the laughs. smilewinkgrin

Hugs- Austen

MT Lady
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 969
   Posted 9/7/2010 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   
LOVED it! You are brilliant my friend!

Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, back problems, hypothyroidism.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 9/7/2010 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   

You cracked me up as usual my friend!  Thanks for sharing your wonderful talent !

Fibroville must be a foggy place to live turn

Hugs, Robin smilewinkgrin

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5948
   Posted 9/7/2010 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Very funny, Shirley! I love the part about the phone/remote: "Maybe...probably. All these electronic devices look the same." I resemble that.

...fibromyalgia, hearing loss, elevated liver enzymes, skin grafting (back), arthritis, scoliosis, lumbar disc damage, sciatica, IBS, migraines, tachycardia, cancer surgeries (face).......I take Nortriptyline & Clonopin daily, and Darvocet as needed

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 9/7/2010 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the laugh!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 906
   Posted 9/7/2010 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I cracked up. Just like Shirley, my nightstand is covered with stuff. Diane

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17501
   Posted 9/7/2010 10:34 AM (GMT -7)   
You've done it again, Donna!  Applause~applause!  yeah
Forum Moderator/Fibromyalgia
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 442
   Posted 9/8/2010 12:18 AM (GMT -7)   
These should really be in a book or a blog! I'm rather new to this forum (just a few months). Have you been writing these for a long time? I'd love to read more!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2858
   Posted 9/8/2010 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi bwfm...I think this is the fifth or sixith episode...don't know if the others are still on the site.  Thanks for the compliments everyone!
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