What does it feel like to know that when you wake up in the morning you may not be able to get out of bed? I had a whirlwind romance with a lovely woman who has Lupus and Fibor and she put an end to the whirlwind part of us first and then I agreed that I needed to work on a few things within me too before I was ready to live with her and marry her. Even though I had asked and she said yes.
One of the things she said to me was that she didn't know if she could involve me in her life at that level because when she goes to bed at night she isn't sure if in the morning she will be able to get out of bed. What does that type of fear feel like? I am sober and I understand the fears of not being good enough and not being worthy, but her fear is a whole different level. What does she feel like?
I don't know how to respond to her when she says that she is afraid she won't be able to get out of bed. I have played the all confident the universe revolves around me and I can handle anything even you not being able to get out of bed role and all that has done is portray me as immature and naive and it pushed her away and as much as it hurt my pride and ego I had to admit to her she was right that approach was not what she needs. And I had to admit I don't know what she needs, but I am willing to go and learn and try to find out what she dies need I love her that much.
I don't have a clue how to talk to her. I have chatted with a couple people over the weekend who have helped me immensely on this site and I will forever be grateful. Like today she had been up helping a friend who had surgery over the weekend and now she is home and utterly exhausted but when I asked how she was holding up she said "fine"--"I said I know you must be exhausted not sure that qualifies as fine you don't have to minimize things you must be really tired today"--I got no response because like she said she is taking her pills and going to bed--I'm trying to be ok with not getting a response because like I said I understood she must be utterly exhausted--but to say it and to feel ok with not getting a response are two different things--I don't want to come off as condescending but at the same time I want her to know I know she is not "fine." Did I do ok communicating what I wanted to her? How would you suggest I express I know you're not fine and you can tell me that and I'll right here to listen to you even though I am powerless and can't make you better?
I also want to ask what the guilt feels like that she talks about--she feels guilty for needing people to take care of her for long periods of time. I want to be a part of taking care of her in her dealing with chronic illness--she means so much to me, but she keeps saying that she has to work through her guilt of involving me in her illnesses--how do you do that--work through the guilt--in my mind when she says she feels guilty I hear she doesn't trust me to take care of her--but I guess over the weekend I have come to realize that trust has nothing to do with it. What does that guilt feel like and how do I help her see that she has nothing to feel guilty over?
I have broken our lives up into tangibles and untangibles--she gives me all the intangibles and I do mean all of them--gentleness, kindness, forgiveness b/c I've been a real jerk the last weeks of weeks b/c I couldn't feel what she was going through, patience, love, tenderness, passion, she motivates me to want to be all I can be--these things are priceless to me and are intangibles and there are more than I listed that she so freely and readily gives to me--when we first started talking about slowing down and backing up and giving each other more time to get to know each other and for me to really take the time to see how much my life will change being with a person with chronic illness and giving her time to work through her guilt she kept saying I don't know if I'm relationship material anymore--I didn't understand what she was saying--I am not sure I completely do now, but I understand it more than I did a few weeks ago thanks to this website.
What does that guilt feel like and how to I let her know that the tangible stuff like laundry, housework, earning a living, cooking are all things I have to do anyways so I don't care about those things that somedays she can't partake in--what she already gives on her sickest day is enough for me and what she gives is that I know she wants me in her life--that's enough for me--but her guilt doesn't allow her to believe that--now she is saying she isn't sure if she has what it takes emotionally to be in a relationship--again she isn't seeing herself through my eyes and I don't know how to make that happen--can I make that happen for her?
I don't know much, but I do know I want to marry her and I need to learn how she ticks so I can support her and take care of her without making her feel guilty--I keep saying I'm volunteering to be with you and the chronic illness, but she doesn't think I know what I am in for and she is right I'm just learning.
I'd like any help you all can give me--I can't dump all this on her because it is inappropriate--I can talk to her in small doses, but I have to work through a lot of this on my own--she told me I have to find my own way and I was angry about that before because I took it as her rejecting me but now I get what she is saying--I do have to find my own way and share with her what I am finding, but not burden her to help me find the way. Hope that makes sense. I'm calling my old counselor tomorrow to see if I can get back in to get some help--I'm willing to take care of my immaturity and my naivety to be with her--how do I show her I'm doing it without being over zealous and too enthusiastic and too in her face--because all that just pushes her away.