So I wrote what I thought was a well thought out letter to my girl and she saw it as havng an agenda, manipulating her and that I am defining my life because she is in it. The manipulation she sees is that I am doing all this "learning" to get her back (and she says won't happen because she can't deal with all the work I have to do on myself emotionally)--which of course that is part of it--but the other part is learning how to be more self-less rather than self-absorbed and that is an emotionally healthy change in me I want to make for me--so it is 50/50.
The truth is she brought the desire to change out and up in me--I can't lie and say that if she hadn't entered my life I would be in this place because I wouldn't--I would have continued on my merry path of selfishness but that isn't what happened. She did enter my life. She says if I continue with my behavior she is going to break off all communication with me because she doesn't have the energy or emotional strength to deal with any of this with me. I'm not sure I know what my behavior is that she doesn't like. She says I am pushing and this letter is the perfect example of how I push her.
She says I am laying all this stuff on her and is asking if I really think this is good for her--I guess I am unclear what "stuff" I am laying on her. I thought I sent a letter to her that said I was tending to my own business, I know what I did wrong and I was learning how to be her friend first--she doesn't think I have the capacity to be her friend emotionally because we keep coming back to the same thing I want to get back together. Here is the letter I wrote I have pasted it below--is she right--does it read like I am manipulating and defining my life because she is in it? I will concede that I do have an agenda I want to be with her but part of that agenda is to change myself and my attitude for my betterment. What do you think--am I that emotionally off the beam can I be that wrong about myself and her? She has made me feel like I am stalking her with this agenda to change and get her back.
I absolutely love the song “Her Diamonds” by Rob Thomas and I had no idea that he was singing about his wife who has Lupus—the words when I listened again with a reason made me cry, my heart pounded out of my chest it hurt so much. The women on the support website told me to listen to the song and they told me to read this story to help me understand.
Did you know what this song was about?
I've been failing at communicating with you because I haven't had the courage to ask you what you are thinking, feeling and wondering. I've been skirting around the issues, feelings and questions instead of being direct. It’s easy to say “I love you” a million times, but it is really hard to ask you what you feel like, how chronic illness affects you and will affect me and to listen to an answer I may not, most likely will not, want to hear because the answer is going to hurt both our hearts on some level and not always the same level.
I was direct last night when I asked how you felt driving by my exit. I really want to know what you feel, what you think and what you worry about. I thought I couldn't be the “great I am” and “can do anything person” in your life I thought you needed if I asked you the hard questions and talked about the difficult feelings and emotions you were having and I was having. You were right in my fear-based frame of mind I couldn’t accept NO when that is what you needed to say for your health and your sanity. I was so filled with myself again I am so very sorry to have hurt you.
I thought that not asking the hard questions was helping you forget what was happening to you, but I now understand you don't ever forget and if you do forget the price you pay could be your life. You were right I was so immature so naïve—I think you gave me too much credit when you called me a 5 year old. I was such a child in a temper tantrum ******* I'm so sorry.
The support group I joined online has helped me get a grip on and gain some very surface understanding of what is happening, what will happen and I'm learning how to communicate with directness so I never have to say to you again "what I meant to say was." You were right you can only react to what I say not what I wanted or meant to say. I’m sorry I put you in that position repeatedly. I’m so very sorry I hurt you.
I'm not going to be perfect at this ******, but I do want to learn this new way of living and create something for people like us. I have to create a project for me to work on or I'm going to drive you crazy. I do know that much. And I know you have said very clearly right now there isn’t an “us” to even discuss. And my reply to that is: It would be an honor to learn how to be your friend and I’m willing to take the time to learn.
On some level I have surrendered to TIME which is an acronym in AA for Things I Must Earn—apropos don’t you think? I know I must earn your friendship—you gave yourself to me freely and I didn’t handle the gift of you well at all (that’s an understatement). I know I was an absolute jerk filled with myself and I hurt you. I’m sorry.
Saying you are out of my league has taken on a whole new meaning. You are out of my league right now because I am just learning about Lupus and Fibro and all the feelings and emotions that come along with it. I know I can learn how to be a friend to you—that is appropriate confidence not ego—and I know it will take time for you to trust me and for me to catch up to you so we can be on the same page. I am willing to invest in the time it will take. I really want some day to be on the same page with you.
I was so arrogant thinking your illness was parallel to my alcoholism. Why didn't you smack me and say shut the “F” up you have no clue what you're talking about? I didn’t have any sort of clue—none whatsoever—I was so filled with myself. The level of fear and type of guilt you experience I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like and I will never be able to fathom the depths to which it affects your life or the decisions you make. But I’m willing to learn as much as I can. I know I will never understand what you feel completely, but I’m willing to work on accepting that and I’m willing to work on myself to handle the loneliness that will come along from time to time and the fear and the worry as the illnesses continue to progress.
My arrogance in reflection is absolutely humiliating for me--again I'm so sorry honey. I know I can’t beat myself up for not knowing what I didn’t know and that I have to forgive myself and I will in time, but today it is hard to know that all those “I love you’s” were empty when I wanted them to be so packed full that they busted at the seams for you. The “I love you’s” ****** weren’t empty with feeling they lacked the actions of understanding, acceptance, tolerance, and time. I’m just so sorry ******* that I hurt you and made you have to push me away for your own self-preservation. The thought of what I forced you into doing with me makes me physically ill. I’m only going to say it one more time…..I am so very very sorry I hurt you.
I don’t believe in second chances, but I do believe in starting over if there is a change in attitude. I’m changing my attitude almost hourly it seems and right now the quickness of all this change in how I think and feel seems unreal, too quick, but over the course of time I will learn more about what I have to do to be your friend first and foremost and I’m willing and I want to take the time to do just that.
I’m volunteering ******. I’m here because you mean that much to me. I’m here because you bring more than anyone ever has to my life. I’m here because I want to be here with you, beside you, in front of you and behind you. I want to learn how to be all around you. I really have no desire to be anywhere else…………I hope that is ok with you….xoxo…Tammy
I know I am far from wonderful, but I am a good person and I don't understand why or how everything I do hurts her and angers her.
Please help me.