You are in a bad place right now but that's not something you didn't already know. I think you need to truly accept this illness and then learn, with our help, how to live a full and enjoyable life in spite of it. How, you ask? Take one day at a time. I look forward to each new day with anticipation because it could be a good day for me. If it isn't, I can certainly handle one day!
I always count my blessings. When we have chronic illnesses, it's so easy to focus on the crummy things happening to us. That is a real downer and causes depression and depression makes you think more negatively, and on and on and on. I don't look at the negative things. I know they are there and I have accepted that so I look at the many things that I'm thankful for. If you sat down and made a list of the positives and negatives in your life, you would see that the positives would be far longer of a list. Even things like having good vision so you can see the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, the the flowers and critters scurrying around your yard. There are so many little blessings that can bring you joy.
Venture out! You are limiting yourself as to what you do with your life. Actually Fibromyalgia is ruling your life right now. Get ticked! You are a strong person and you can overcome so many things. A couple of years ago my son came for a visit and wanted to go to DisneyWorld for his birthday. The thought of it made me break out in a cold sweat but I decided that I would go and have a good time for my son. When we got there, he asked me if I wanted a wheelchair and I declined. I figured there are enought places to sit down if I had to. I kept track of my medications and, since I was taking over the counter meds, I did take the doses one hour earlier to keep control of my pain. Well, I had a magnificent time, rode wonderful rides like the Mad Hatter's Tea Cups, and I even went on Splash Mountain with it's 55 foot drop and we were in the lead car! I LOVED it, and I'm not a spring chicken either. I was 63 at the time. I took the chance, stepped out, and have these wonderful memories for it. We can do many things but you can't do anything if you don't try.
Anxiety is an issue for you, too. I suffered from that in the beginning and once I realized that anxiety is fear and I really didn't have anything to be afraid of, I was able to kick anxiety to the curb. It still tries to come on me but I now recognize it for what it is and can dismiss it. That's why I have the scripture in my signature. This made a huge difference in my life.
Try Lamaze breathing...like women use when giving birth...to help calm you down. Take deep breaths and when you exhale, make it like you are blowing through a straw. You will feel the tension being released. This shows you that you really can handle this. Choking? I went through a time where I couldn't swallow and I had visions of stomach tubes dancing through my head! A member here told me that when I couldn't swallow that I should cough. It worked like a dream! The throat muscles were just spasming. Now I rarely have that problem and, if I do, I know how to handle it. You will learn how to handle all the things that are giving you problems right now. You just have to believe in yourself and that you CAN do it! We can give you ideas, too. I usually can find ways of working around fibro to do what I want to do and so can you.
Go into Fibro 101 and down towards the end there is an article about Maintaining a Positive Attitude. This has wonderful ideas that will help you a lot, too. I know you can do this and get on with your life. Please don't let fibro rob you of wonderful times and friendships in the future. Take a chance. Step out and do things. If anxiety tries to steal it way, tell yourself you CAN do this, do the relaxing breathing, and focus on having a good time. It takes practice but before you know it, you will be back in the swing of things and have your life back.
Don't hesitate to ask for tips and help. We all have things that help us and we love to share with others, too. You have a good day, okay?
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Diabetes, Osteoporosis, Glaucoma, Scoliosis
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7