Hi everyone, I'm fairly new here. In a nutshell, for the last 6 years, I kept pushing myself further and trying to ignore what I was feeling. In reality, I felt lazy and tired and growing stupid as I kept forgetting the most basic things. But I kept it all inside.
I have 3 children and a husband who is as driven (maybe moreso) than me. We all work hard and play hard. But slowly I stopped playing because I just couldn't. I managed to get all my obligations done, work, feed the kids (most of the time), and somewhat clean the house. But then I was done. I skipped the family outings to the pool, the park, and nature walks, opting to 'be lazy' instead. In my mind, it's ok to be lazy, but not ok to admit to being sick.
So, in my mind, I was barely surviving and just not quite good enough. That all came to a head crashing down this past March, when my body just decided to shut down. I became so exhausted that I couldn't function. I couldn't work. I couldn't do the shopping, cook, and eat all in the same day. I couldn't hold up my arms long enough to brush my teeth, do my hair, and put on make up all at the same time. Well, my head, neck, and shoulders were in constant pain, so I just cut my hair off, and quit wearing make up. So that problem settled, right?
And my hubby is so supportive and patient. He started letting me know how he appreciated the small things, like me fixing coffee for him. After 20 years of marriage, it's the small things that count in big ways. So that gave me a boost. I started getting happy for the smallest accomplishments. I started noticing how pretty the trees are changing colors. I started to actually be happy, for me.
And then my GP tells me to ignore what I'm feeling, wake up every morning, force a smile, and push past whatever I think I can feel and\or do. So again, I'm not good enough. How can he not know that for me to just show up in his office with a smile on my face is already me winning my struggle for the day?
How can I raise my children and praise them that their best is exactly good enough and perfect if I can't believe it for myself?
And this is after a spinal puncture, and the neurologist telling me I am showing all the symptoms for fibro (but she couldn't confirm because that is for the rheumatologist) and I have hyperreflexia. I already know I'm hypersensitive.
I just needed to get that off my chest in an encouraging environment with people who understand. Thanks for listening to my rant.
Post Edited (czjaba) : 10/21/2016 7:01:48 AM (GMT-6)