i don't even know if i should be on here anymore

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/1/2008 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   
cry  i am so missing my husband...i don't know how to be the strong one for my 2 kids, it's as if they are the one's being strong.  i was just outside b/c i can't sleep and my 17 yr old came out to chck on me...i told her i was scared to go back to work on monday since that will only be a little over 2 wks since his passing..but i haven't worked since july 11th, since i was taking care of him.  she said you know mom, the first day will be the hardest, but we are going to have even harder steps to take as time goes by...i just said there and cried....as much as i could.  i feel that someone could just slice me open and the tears wouldn't stop...they are so welled up inside of me it physically hurts....
i write to him everyday since his passing but that's doesn't really seem to be helping right now.  i have read "Life beyond Loss"  i think that is the name of it...hospice gave it to me. and that doesn't even sink in.  i feel as if he really isn't gone...i go to the grave and see his name on the marker, i watched him pass right here in our living room...but i can't get it thru my head or my heart....God, i miss him so much, the pain i feel is horrible......
sorry for sounding like such a crybaby but right now i just feel like one.

Elite Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 10/1/2008 11:44 PM (GMT -7)   

{{{{{{{{{{{{Michelle)))))))))))))  Hon, I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.  It really has not been very long since your husband passed on.  You can not be expected to be coping with it well at this point.  And of all times, you certainly belong here!  Our wonderful moderator, PinkGrandma, has been through the same thing and understands what you are going through.  Her e-mail is in her profile, if you'd like to contact her directly.  Otherwise, I KNOW she is going to respond to your post as soon as possible, and will be able to offer you tremendous support.  I have never experienced death of a husband, but when my dad committed suicide...that was the worst emotional pain I've ever felt.  That's when I really got into IV drugs and why I'm now suffering the effects of Hep C.  I just wanted to be numb.  But I still had to deal with my feelings 18 mos. later when I got clean.  That was nearly 40 yrs. ago, and his death still saddens me.

Have you experienced anger yet?  That's also a natural reaction.  So please, Michelle, do continue to come here where people have been where you are and can offer an ear, a virtual hug, and empathy.

Work should actually be good for you, if you are able to focus on it.  If your boss and co-workers are aware of what you've been through, I'm sure they will be very understanding and not expect you to step back into your job as the same person you were before this.  No one could.

My prayers are with you.

"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 469
   Posted 10/2/2008 3:27 AM (GMT -7)   

I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. And as Connie has put it so well you certainly need to be around people that can understand what you are dealing with and this is certainly a wonderful place to vent and express feelings. It is very normal for you to be experiencing numbness and disbelief. I don't think that anyone of us is truly prepared for the loss of the people that we love. It truly has been such a short time since his passing that I am sure that going back to work and resuming everyday routines seems almost impossible at this point. Please remember that my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family.


Pink Grandma
Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 10/2/2008 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   

Oh Michele,  I know it is super hard right now......it feels like your heart has physically broken.  But it is only emotionally broken.  After the long hard fight with liver disease and have it end so badly it leaves you feeling like a failure.  But your not!!!!!  You are a warrior and now the battle has begun for you. Just take it each day at a time.  What ever it was that is deep inside of you that got you through your husband's journey will get you through this.  It just takes time.  You'll start at baby steps, then walking slowly, then faster and eventually you will be running through life again. 

I went back to work about a month later...it was hard to get through each day.  I used to go to the ladies room to cry.  Everyone at work were so supportive.  As hard as it was it was the one of the best things that I could have done.  Coming back to HealingWell was another big helper. 

Lean on your kids.  My daughter and granddaughters were my leaning posts.  It was different with my boys.  They were not comfortable with me for the longest.  They could not stand seeing me hurt so much.  But now they both come over or call most days. 

Please email me.....you don't have to go through this alone.   I know that's how you are feeling even with a room full of people. 

And yes you still belong here........you have a lot of wisdom to share.  So please post when ever you feel like it.

Thoughts and prayers...........

Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 613
   Posted 10/2/2008 8:17 PM (GMT -7)   

I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I know it is very painful right now, and like the posts before me, know that it will take time to heal. You are still verry early in the grieving process, and grief has many phases to go through....do allow yourself to cry, do allow your children to see that you are real, and know that there are many people here to care. I will pray for you and your children through this tough time. I can only imagine walking in your shoes right now, but my heart hurts for you......you take care of yourself!


Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 954
   Posted 10/2/2008 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
My heart hurts for you also Michele. I wish that I could say or do something to take the pain away. I can only imagine what you are going through. I know it must seem too much to bear. You will make it through this. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
There is always hope!

Elite Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 10/2/2008 10:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Michelle, I don't know if you are familiar with Kubler-Ross's Stages of Grief, but for you and all who are going through a loss of some sort (death of loved one, loss of life the way it way, loss of personal health, etc.), here they are:
Kübler-Ross model (from Wikipedia)

"The Kübler-Ross model describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people allegedly deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness. The model was introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". The stages are known as the "Five Stages of Grief".

The stages are:

  1. Denial:
    • Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."'Not to me!"
  2. Anger:
    • Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
  3. Bargaining:
    • Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
  4. Depression:
    • Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
  5. Acceptance:
    • Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This also includes the death of a loved one, drug addiction, divorce, or infertility. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two."

I went through all these stages when I was first diagnosed with hep C; however, I went through them quickly, in a matter of weeks, thanks to being able to share in AA meetings.  When I was diagnosed with liver cancer, on the other hand, I didn't experience all the stages.  For whatever reason (perhaps it was a form of denial), I just did not feel that it was my time to die.  Acceptance of the diagnosis came fairly quickly, and after a week or two of thinking I MIGHT die, I set about seeing what could be done to prevent it.  And just in case I couldn't prevent death, I also did practical things like setting up a joint cremation acct. at the bank, so my b.f. (now ex, but still on the acct.) could have access to the money to take care of expenses if I should die.  For me, getting into action makes me feel less helpless and a little more in control of my fate.

So, Michelle, hopefully going back to work will help you feel more "normal" and be helpful in lifting you out of that black hole of despair.

Prayers and hugs,


Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 10/3/2008 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Michelle, I am so sorry about your loss. I to know exactly how you feel as I lost my first husband, even though it has been many years as I read your post I could so remember the pain, dispair and loneliness. My children were not even school age yet but in that innocent childish honesty thay helped me so much. I just knew he was coming home any day and it was all a mistake. You know I still miss him and think of him and how I loved him so much, yet I went on with life and it did get easier. I know it probably sounds weird that it got easier cause now I may have to say good bye to Doug. It really does get easier, your every waking moment you took care of him, watched out for him...... I think the loss then becomes more intensified and it is alot to deal with all at once. Hang in there and my e-mail is also available
When I started counting my blessings my whole world turned around.

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