Hello, Catt, and welcome to the forum. I have read both your posts. Shelly (who is a nurse) gave you some good advice. And you well know that the advice you gave in your other post, when speaking of your brother, you need to apply to yourself. Easier said than done, right? I, too, am an alcoholic and was a drug addict prior to that. I contracted hep C from IV drugs. When I got off the street drugs, I went to alcohol. I stopped drinking, thanks to AA, nearly 23 yrs. ago. I actually did the same as you, weaned myself off the alcohol, in a matter of 6 mos. I went into detox twice, but only stayed overnight one time and for 10 days the 2nd. I still went back to drinking when I got out. Are you in the UK? From the sound of your writing I'm thinking you might be.
There are AA meetings all over the world. You need to start going, even if you are still drinking. You also need to get to the doctor. Part of the reason you don't want to go is fear of what you will find out. A larger part is most likely that you don't want to admit how much you drink or to hear that you must stop NOW. And then there's the shame involved, especially if your drinking has caused liver disease. You have already taken the biggest step in admitting you are an alcoholic. When I started going to AA, I wasn't able to admit that even to myself for some months. It's nearly impossible to stop drinking on your own, if you are an alcoholic. Look at your brother--he's still drinking, though he's learned to modify it. Most alkies can't do that. In almost no time, they will be right back where they were, or worse.
You may not be getting drunk...you may just stay on an even keel all the time with the alcohol. In other words, you are always high. I know a couple of people like that. You are right about filling a hole. That's very inciteful of you. In AA, you will learn to fill that hole with positive things; to start feeling better about yourself; to make friends with people who will understand; to have a true connection to a Higher Power, and to give up the alcohol one day at a time. It's a wonderful thing and something you deserve.
So please: See a doctor and get some simple blood work done. Be honest with him/her and say you'd like a liver profile done. Secondly, even if your blood work is okay, look in the phone book for AA. Call and ask where the nearest meeting is and at what time--and go! You won't regret it.
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland