Rest in peace, Mom

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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/2/2010 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
My mother passed away on August 22 after battling liver failure for four years. From the time of her diagnosis in July 2006 to about a year and a half ago, she did really well and there were times you wouldn't have thought anything was wrong with her. It was actually a miracle she lasted so long, because it was only when she developed esophagal varices and internal bleeding that it was discovered her liver was in bad shape. But she survived another four years beyond that, with no more bleeding.
But in March 2009, she really began to go downhill, and it was a steady decline from then on, with extreme fatigue, increasing weakness and muscle wasting, ascties and swollen ankles, itching, memory loss, incontinence, personality changes, etc.  She spent five weeks in hospital last November after developing pulmonary edema, and we thought we were going to lose her then. But she came home and battled on for another seven months before losing her ability to walk and falling three times in as many days. We sent her to hospital after the third fall, on July 8 (her 80th birthday) -- and she never came out again. During July and August, her decline steadily accelerated to the point where she was hardly eating anything, vomiting a lot of what she did eat, and sinking into deep, stupor-like sleeps day and night. She finally developed an intestinal blockage, and the doctor told us there was nothing left to do but move her into palliative care and put her on a pain pump. She went into a coma on August 20 and died at 1:30 AM Sunday morning, August 22.
The day before she died was the worst day of my entire life. The hospital called us at 6AM Saturday morning becasue they didn't think she'd last the day. As soon as I saw her I started sobbing. She was just lying there with her eyes and mouth half open, gasping for breath and moaning. She had no idea we were there. I couldn't bear to sit and watch her like that, so I said my goodbyes an hour later and went home to spend the day on the sofa crying.
When my dad woke me at 1:30 Sunday morning to let me know the hospital called to say she'd passed, I felt nothing but a strange calm. Since then, I've been alternating between feeling sad and empty, and crying perioidcally, to being simply relieved that Mom is finished with her suffering and is now free of her sick, weak, broken-down old body. Right now, the relief is actually greater than the grief. I felt worse watching her suffer than I do now, even knowing that I'll never see or hear her in this life again. I take comfort in the belief that she's feeling happy and strong in spirit, and is enjoying a new existence without any illness, pain or weakness.
Rest in peace, Mom. It's been a long, hard journey for all of us, but it's finally over.

Lanie G
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 6079
   Posted 9/2/2010 11:29 AM (GMT -7)   
amberlight, I'm so sorry about your mom.  You are right that she is not suffering now and is in a better place with no pain or trauma.  I'm sure she wants you to find relief in that too.  I understand it's hard to do this now as you need to take each step forward.  I hope you and the family find solace in one another, which is what your mom wants, I'm sure.  Take care.

diabetes moderator
diabetes type 2 controlled so far by diet and exercise
very low carb way of eating

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 613
   Posted 9/2/2010 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother! It is so hard to watch our loved ones suffer for so long. Please take peace and comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering. My prayers are with you and your family.


Elite Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/2/2010 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Amber, I am very sorry for your loss. However, I know you will find peace in knowing that she is no longer suffering. Your post will be very helpful to others with loved ones with ESLD. While some deteriorate very rapidly and are gone quickly, the norm seems to be that they linger on for months, if not years, in agony. This really takes a toll on caregivers, too.

Please feel free to continue to post any time you care to.

Forum moderator - Hepatitis
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 74
   Posted 9/2/2010 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
dear amberlight what a journey you have come through in the last 4 years,your mum is at peace now,this at least is some comfort.we dont want our loved ones to suffer any more,look after you now an i wish you well. spooky x

Pink Grandma
Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 9/2/2010 9:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Amber please accept my sincere condolences on your dear mom's passing. 
I truely understand your feelings.  So many of us have been down the road that you have traveled. 
I know that you will find peace through all just takes time.
Lot's of thoughts and prayers........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2358
   Posted 9/3/2010 3:33 AM (GMT -7)   
It's a long journey... with ups and downs thoughts and prayersa are with you.. sandi
There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/3/2010 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for all your kind words. It has been a very difficult time, but I have to say that I feel lighter and calmer knowing that she's no longer suffering. Watching her steadily deteriorate was more painful than actually losing her. She hated what the disease did to her body over the last years, and I know that she had reached the stage where she wanted to be free of it, and for it to be all over with. She fought a lot harder and longer than I would have, in her position.

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/3/2010 11:02 PM (GMT -7)   
So sorry for your loss....I am currently in the midst of the illness. I feel the same way you do....I hate even saying it, but at times its unbearable to watch your mom suffer so, I just wish she would go peacefully to end the pain and suffering. My thoughts are with you and your family. All the best.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2358
   Posted 9/4/2010 12:05 AM (GMT -7)   
I can not tell you the hole left in my life since Mike passed on April 22nd this year... I can not tell you the long dark nights without him there... I can tell you that God has provided a way... to believe that Mike is in a better place and doing better than here... though I would have given my liver, my breath, my heart.... for him... it was not to be... and he has passed now and is with the Lord... and he does not suffer... and that just has to be enough... as every day goes by without him here...that just has to be enough.. as so I pray for your comfort, your peace... that you can make it through each day until the time when this pain passes... and you can deal with life again without feeling the loss so keenly... my thoughts and prayers are surely with you this day.. Sandi

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1196
   Posted 9/4/2010 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   
i am so sorry about your mom but remember that because she loved she will forever in the hearts of t he people she has touched. if you look at my signature it says it all. "people never really die because they have loved. and because they have loved they live forever in the hearts of t he people t hey have touched". i think of this everytime i start to miss my mom
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 9/5/2010 9:52 AM (GMT -7)   

I am so sorry to read of your loss of your mother to this terrible disease.

You will feel numb and out of sorts its only natural, you have been on this long rollercoaster ride that has finally came to an end. Your mum is at peace now and you will find peace within yourself but it will take time.

My thoughts are with you..

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