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shadowsghost
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 1/11/2011 9:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been trying to think of a way to tell my story, as an adult survivor. I think this is hard to know where to start.... so the begining is best. My mom came to this country with me in tow to start a new wonderful life with an American soldier, to the land of riches and promise. She was the stay at home mom, four children a year apart, we got the homemade cookies, clean house never a thing out of place, we always could count on her. Dad was a different story, never missed a day of work but never missed the bar on his way home. Forever finding a way to be mean, so as most people know we as as children tried the hardest to please him the most, it has to be us causing all the problems because mom was perfect, the best mom ever!! No matter how good you were the meanness continued. he never hit us he didnt have to as his words were enough. You never had friends over because you never knew when he would come home and in what condition. Then comes the hardest thing ever.... mom gave in and started drinking with him.... we must have really been the worst kids in the world to have caused this.... so many times we tried to say we were sorry for the bag full of snakes for her birthday( we thought it was the coolest), the horned toads in the drawers, frogs in the car.... all the childish pranks and believe me there were to many of those to tell you about. But those had to be the reason she prefered the bars now too, what else could it have been. We didnt cry when there was no christmas tree ( just a branch in a bottle), no presents or dinner, no birthdays anymore, family dinners were a thing of the past it became just us kids!! No friends over that was just to embarassing to have people see them drunk and still fighting, dad pulling out his gun to shoot the family dog or himself depending on the day, mom calling him names.
Having friends to lean on was impossible, I had to be mom and dad to three younger siblings, get them off to school make sure they got home and homework done, but wait I am only 13 I am not equiped for this it is to much but no matter how hard I tried it didnt make them like us. I know this because they still drink all the time and dont spend time with us. Are we really that BAD? Cant we make it up to them? How? You dont dare ask for help because then everyone will know how bad you are, you drove your parents to drink and away from the home all the time. You just go on acting like everything is fine, so then the lies start, I would love to invite you over to hang out but my sister is sick, my mom doesnt feel well, we have company I am busy today etc. . Then you start waiting for them to pass out so you can steal whatever money hasnt been spent at the bar, just for food or lunch money.  Mom Dad look I got all A's and B's didnt I do good? I tried to get all A's but I had a hard time in english I am sorry!
15 hhmmm Its not going to change I am tired, maybe I will drink too! No I didnt like the feeling, I dont want to be them! Oh hmm I like this Hash it is cool.... dont even have to think just mellow, no worries, I can laugh too, wow this is really cool. Dad says I am nothing but a pot head, got caught see I am worthless a no good pot head, druggy! So what the heck maybe it was me all along..... I am leaving and never coming back. Things will be fine with out me around...... they were not letting go of the caregiver in the family! Hunt me down bring me back to the states........ not staying....... all I here now is how Dad wants to kill us and himself. Not staying for that no way.......16 and I am gone this time for good. Now my siblings hate me cause I abandoned them to fend for themselves. But I now have a new family, I am married.
I married a great guy, doesnt drink, works hard loves ME with all my issues. Wow life is good. 
21.... what happened...why is this happening...... oh no a drunk driver hit us..... he didnt survive.... I did..... 2 babies.... I cant be a widow that happens when you get old!!! See I told you I was BAD.... 22 Dad decided he wanted to shoot himself for real this time after he called to tell me he was going to do it and I told him to go ahead..... See I am the BAD one... no trying to change his mind this time, I am done
26...... Married again this time to what I deserved..... an alcoholic...... my comfort zone..... I know what to expect here, I have experiance with this..... I know what I deserve and never will I set my sights higher again!!
41.... I cant be this person.... need to run.... it worked before...... I did it ,spent 2 years searching for myself I need to grow up..... find out who I am, what do I want......I am not really BAD I am a good person just lost!
Now comes Doug, treated me like a princess ( I swear like a truck driver, build things, work on my own cars fight like a tiger for my kids) but to him I am all thats good, his smile would light up the room every time he looked at me. I was his angel even before he got sick. I thought he changed me, he didnt though I was always the good person he saw, I just didnt see it...... so I think we are all good people inside... WE just have to see it
this of course is the short version.....lol lol
Sue

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 1/11/2011 9:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Sue, you've been through a lot.  Some of us can truly relate.

I just wanted to mention one source of help:  Adult Children of Alcoholics.  It is a sub-group of AA.  Anyone 18 or older can attend meetings and learn to deal with all the baggage (such as your "I'm not good enough") that goes with growing up in a household with an alcoholic parent(s.)

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis


"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

healthynow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 1773
   Posted 1/11/2011 10:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, Sue. Your story moved me. I am at a loss for words. Thank you for sharing your story.

Emma

shadowsghost
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 1/11/2011 11:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I do have to add about Mom. She did finally get the courage to leave, she did exactly what I did, she ran away and hid from everyone for almost a year.......she left in 1976, she struggled with her drinking for several years. We did have a difficult time mending our relationship, there was rules, we never discussed the past unless it was the funny stories or how difficult I was!  She would sometimes remind me that I abandoned her and how difficult it was for her..... but I had grown up so I just smiled and said I was sorry. My mom did get sober her las 10 years or so. She passed 3 years ago this month of early onset alzheimers but I do still miss the mom she was when I was younger and some of the mom she became after sobriety. My new family Ma and Pop and their 11 children finished raising me, taught me to hug, laugh, forgive and best of all be me. I came to Mass at 16 not knowing a soul here and made this my home, my roots and my life.
Sue

shadowsghost
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 1/11/2011 11:49 PM (GMT -7)   
PS... The telling of this story is not ment for pity, to put anyone down for their life and life choices. I am an adult survivor, I know the choices I have made were not always the right thing but done anyway. I live with them and dont look back to the what if's. I do miss my Doug but I also miss Rick(my first husband) but today was a good day, cant change yesterday, when I wake up tomorrow it will be a good day...... cause I am still alive and kickin, I have the best kids, my grandson of course is AWESOME........and I still have alot of love and giving to share with whomever comes my way.....
Sue
Adapt yourself to the life you have been given; and truly love the people with whom destiny has surrounded you.

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1171
   Posted 1/12/2011 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
oh sue i know it had to be rough spilling that out, it was when i did mine. it wasnt your fault and i know you dont want pity. you are a survivor, you are one of us(kids of alcoholics) and you are strong. your story is so moving. i know you went through a lot. i am here if you need it.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

A.Ziffle
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 2072
   Posted 2/1/2016 6:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Shadowsghost is and was one of the top commenters on this forum. Not been around in ages. I still feel a impact from her words. She was one of the first forum members I truly identified with. Sue, Where ever you are I think of you regularly...... Blue hair flopping in the wind. In loving memory of you and Doug.

Ziff
"The truth will set you free, but not before it pisses you off."
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