Just thought I'd pop in and say hi. It has been such a busy last couple of weeks organising Ben's funeral and looking after the kids as well as grieving myself that I haven't had a chance to do much else.
Life has been very hard since losing Ben. Caring for someone for so long and then they are just gone from your life, I still can't believe it has happened. I wake up every morning and for a split second think he is still here. The nights are my worst, when all the calls have stopped and the visitors have gone and the kids are in bed, I'm left here thinking how come this had to happen. I try to stay up as late as I can fiddling around so I don't have to go into that empty bed.
Funeral was beautiful and I was able to read Ben's Eulogy which is what he wanted. Played the songs he wanted - Free Bird by Arnold McCuller and Heaven Remix by DJ Sammy and a couple more. It was lovely and I think he would have been happy. Very hard but we got through it. The hardest was watching my 15yo son carry his Dad's coffin out. No boy should have to do that. Phoebe has been calling out 'Dadda' since he passed which is heart breaking as she just keeps crying for him and bening only 18mths old you can't explain where he is. She carries a photo of him around and kisses it. Beautiful but very sad.
I feel like I need to do something in his memory, maybe if I could just stop one person from doing down this track, then one family would not have to feel the way we do at the moment.
I'm taking the kids away next week, need to get out of the house and I need to try and find myself again. I hope I can, I feel like I'm losing it a bit at the moment.
Well sorry for rambling on and hope you are all doing oK. Take Care and thankyou all again for all your love and support.
Everything happens for a reason...even if we are unsure what that is at the time!