Hi everyone...sorry for not updating....my entire world is just upside down and I don't know what the heck I'm doing - I had to think about
open the door to get out of my car last night (or was it the night before, who knows). First, although I'm just not up to responding to each post - thank you from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts, prayers, positive thoughts, and kind words. Between going back and forth from home to the hospital daily, updating various friends/relatives regularly (repeating the same things over and over and my heart literally hurting each time I have to do it), comforting my 15 year old (who bottles up ALL emotions, except anger), and various other 'stuff', I am physically and emotionally wrecked. I'm home for a little while, after about
30 hours straight at the hospital. I just need some time to breathe, while pleading with my phone NOT to ring.
Short of a miracle, Robert is going to die. It could be at anytime. For the past 4 mornings, each nurse has said she didn't think he'd even make it through the night - but he has. Robert has an incredible will to live and for some reason he's just not ready to go yet. I finally decided to authorize his DNR yesterday. It was explained to me that if his heart were to stop and they did CPR, bones would most likely break and due to his extremely low platelets (10,000), he would begin hemorrhaging - I couldn't let him go through that. I'm sorry, I just can't explain anymore right now about
what he's going through....it's just too much for me to think about
at the moment.
How do you say goodbye to your greatest love/best friend, after 15 years? How do I find the strength to allow them to remove the respirator and stop all medications - and let them administer ativan and morphine, until he stops breathing? How do I know when 'it's time'? I desperately need this to JUST STOP!! I need to turn back the clock - and I can't. My heart is shattering.
I'll stop now. There are too many of you who are awaiting transplant, or are doing well post-transplant - I don't want what is happening to Robert to bring you down or frighten you. The vast majority of you will be ok - it just wasn't meant to be for us, that's all.
Post Edited (Splashdancer) : 2/9/2014 3:15:42 PM (GMT-7)