Hey everyone my days have not been good what's new now all of a sudden I've been feeling constipated really feeling like I need to have a good bm to feel better and comfortable.I do not know where this came from just all of a sudden this sucks,it's reminding me of when I really used to deal with chronic constipation more then the dreaded D in a way I should be happy but I'm not.When I get constipated like this I get lots of trapped gas I just want to be able to take a good you know what.This heat needs to leave or it just needs to rain like something fierce I'm so mad right now frustrated getting mad at God but I know he does not want me to go through this but I just need him to help me out some.I really need to take a good laxative dam I'm mad at myself for spending my dam money on take out I could of easily gone and bought a box.I also hate this anxiety that I'm feeling it's just making things worse,I really dont want to live this way anymore!!!! I hate this dam why did I let my life turn out this way!!!! I cant find humor in this at all!!!! there is nothing funny to me about
what I go through.My life has turned out bad I'm miserable not happy at all I just want God to take this away!!!! I'm 29yr old I'm to young!!!! to handsome!!!!! to be going through this!!!!!! I cant take this I've been sitting at home alone for seven years with no improvment in what I go through.Nothig that will get me back out there having fun and enjoying my life this sucks!!!! I dont know what do with myself I'm going crazy I've never had a personality of keeping to myself I do not want to accept that this is my life!!!!! People tell me when I feel like this to pray or read my bible but what is it going to do really I want a quick fix I just want to feel like myself again.I sit here while the devil is messing with my mind reminding me of the life I used to have I sit here daydreaming of spending time with my friends like at a restaurant,club or amusement park.It makes me sick to my stomach and sooo angry life is about
living it to it's fullest and enjoying everyday that you have but I cant really do that!!!!! when I'm home confined to the bathroom.I'm expecting a miracle from God only he can heal me or Jesus one of them lol.I'm just so lonely it hurts to my soul I want and need companionship I just do not want a relationship with my friends over the phone.I also miss my sibling dearly we used to be so close before everything went bad for me I miss spending time with her.I cant get myself to have her around me cause of fear I'll have my symtoms act up infront of her,she says it does not bother her but I do not want her to see me go through what I go through I just dont want to feel pity from her.Lol oh wow I just noticed why do I type out one long ass paragraph all the time when I post that's not what I learned in spelling and grammer classes lol.I just want to just be happy I deserve happiness my days are mostly consumed infront of the tv or computer or listening to the radio.I want companionship but my anxiety prevents me from feeling normal around people my life is pathetic,I ask God all the time why he still has me on this earth?
This is getting ridiculous I got to start a new paragraph lol guys please remind me to type out paragraphs so I can get good at doing this the right way lol.I want to be someone I want to know my purpose in life!!!!! I want to travel to places!!!! I want to spend time with my friends and have fun!!!! I have not a fun filled summer in seven years!!!!! I dont want to focus on the negative but there is nothing positive about my life I want to know real love!!!! I want to date!!!! I want to be affectionate with someone I care about!!! without feeling like I might need to constantly use the bathroom!!!! lol.
Sex lol sex has been totally out the question for me I would say in the last seven years I've rarely had it lol.I can never feel comfortable enough to follow through with it that sucks!!!! I ask myself who is going to want me? who is going to want to be with me knowing that I go through this? my fear is being rejected.I want to go to church but it's hard for me to get to a morning service casuse I go through my symptoms in the morning.I need God to pull me out of this situation!!! I need him to heal me and make things better in my life!!!! is'nt that what he says he'll do? I want to just feel at peace and happy and loved!!!!! I want to smile everyday!!!! and not frown for the rest of my life!!!! my smile is to beautiful to be kept from others!!!! lol not trying to be conceited or anything but I have a nice smile I need to smile more. I just want to love my life again!!! you know what I dont think I ever loved my life I've just had so many truamatic thing happen one after another.I deserve to be blessed with good things to happen to me!!!!!!! I'm to good of a person to be kept from the world!!!!!
I have so many goals that I want to accomplish and dreams that I want to be lived out in my life it's ridiculous of how much I want to do in my life.I'm going to be thirty next year!!!!! I feel like my twenties went to waste and I want my thirties to be better then my twenties!!!! I want my thirties to make up for what I did not do in my twenties!!!!!! I want good things to happen for me nothing but good blessings throughout my thirties!!!!! All I know is I'm going to continue to pray hard harder then I've ever prayed that I'll be happy for the rest of my life!!!! not garunteed for the rest of my life but for a good while.I love you guys and keep you all in my prayers and I hope you all will do the same,all I know is when I come out of this deep down inside I knowl I will fight for those who are going through what we go through to have happiness in our lives!!!!!