I'm so lonely it hurts

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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 333
   Posted 9/7/2009 5:50 PM (GMT -7)   
cry  Hey everyone I'm feeling soooo sad tonight cause I keep thinking about the way my life is now.I'm always home alone because I go through so much with my symptoms I feel like I'm always in the bathroom.I dont know how I'm going to have a normal life living this way I stay away from people and social events because of this issue.I'm sooo alone it hurts before IBS I was the most out going socialble fun charezmatic person.Just living life and loving it had a lot of friends was hanging out and just roaming around as freely as I'd like.Then this IBS I'm mostly homebound filled with fear over my symptoms afraid of what people might think about me if I open up to them the ones that I have known for years and shared this is what I'm dealing and living with.It hurts me to the soul when I feel like things may not improve but I dont want to think negatively I should be still happy and thankful that I'm not experiencing the dreaded D and I can eat more.It's just the constant trips to the bathroom when I think ok I'm done for the day having my bms I hate that my system moves so slow.I just want a break no wonder I dont go out as freely as I'd like because of fear this happening even without eating.Life is about interacting wtih other people spending time with your loved ones being able to laugh smile cry enjoy eachothers company.Life is to short you only get one shot at it and time is tooo precious to not spend as much time with the ones you love cause you do not know what tomorrow brings.I dont know how I am going to get back to doing that I'm a different person because of IBS I feel I will not settle for just conversations over the phone with my closest friends and family.For example I miss spending time with my sister we used to be so close but because of IBS I dont want to be around her cause I dont want her to see me go through what I go through.I'm sooo mad I dont want to think or focus on the negative I just want improvement in my digestive health to where I can be around people and not feel embarrassed or ashamed.I do not want to use the bathroom infront of people more then once having to run back and forth to relieve myself.
I've said this before I just want to be happy and content with my life I'm tired of being alone no one deserves to be alone and not live thier lives how they would like to.I do not know what the future holds but I know I do not want to go on any longer living alone.Yes I know things can be worse I just want a better today and my future to be bright I'll need shades to protect my eyes.I've realized I want to be somebody I want to do great things but I cant do them constantly at home a prisoner to a bathroom.All I have is God he's the only one that knows what my tomorrow will hold and what my future will be he's the director of my life.I need him to pull me out of this everytime I feel some type of joy my symptoms are there to snatch it away and I'm reminded again this is your life deal with it.I do not know how to accept it is what it is which I've also said before lol my faith wont let me my faith tells me I'm going to be healed from this.For Jesus Christ shed his blood so that we could be free from sickness and sin,I want to be free from this!!!!! nono
I need a miracle and the one above to make things better I come to him to fix me to take care of me and wipe away my tears and allow only joy to consume me always.I need him to make up for all the wrong that's happened and is happening I belive he will the devil wants me to feel this way that's his job but the devil is a liar!!!!! I trust God and believe he'll have vengence and will make things right!!!!!! but I just need him to give me the strength to live another day like this till he's ready to heal me. cry mad sad shakehead :-) nono

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 9/7/2009 7:48 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, JT80,

I'm sorry to hear that you are still feeling sad and anxious.  I had hoped that by not dealing with "D" now that you are off that medicine would make your life improve significantly.  But it sounds like you are still suffering.

I'm not an expert in anything, but it sounds to me like you are so anxious about your condition, your symptoms, and all of the "what ifs" that go with it that you could possibly be making your situation worse.  I'm NOT saying, "It's your fault; you're bringing this on yourself."  I hope you don't think I'm saying that at all.  But sometimes we can get so anxious about our health problems that we end up making them worse through our worry and anxiety.  It becomes a vicious cycle.

I deal with several ailments.  Whenever I am diagnosed with something new, my reaction is always this:  What can I do to get this condition under control so it doesn't control me?  I don't want anything or anyone controlling or limiting me; so I work hard to learn all of the things that will help me get my conditions under control as much as humanly possible.   I believe my seizures are under control because I take my medication regularly, eat in a healthy manner, and take many vitamins and supplements.  I believe my IBS is "managable" because I try to avoid trigger foods, I eat healthy, and I try to avoid stressful situations.  I also think that taking an antidepressant helps my IBS as well as helping with my depression and anxiety.  For my depression and anxiety, I try to avoid conflict, confrontations, and stress as much as possible.  That is actually the most difficult thing of all for me to do.  If it was people outside my family, that would be no problem; I would just avoid them completely.  But I have a husband and a son who both cause me a lot of grief at times.  They are both too lacking in patience, tolerance, and maturity to see that the stress they cause me exacerbates my health conditions.  That is the biggest challenge in my life.  That is when I turn to friends, God, and this wonderful site.  You are benefiting from this site and a faith in God, which is good.  But you are missing out on friends!  Try to overcome your anxiety about what might happen and just go out and socialize with your friends.  If they truly are friends, they will understand and accept your health problems.  And don't worry about excusing yourself to go to the bathroom.  I do that all the time and just expect my friends and family to accept that when you gotta go, you gotta go!  tongue

You need to get out and start living your life instead of letting this illness and your anxiety about it control your life.  Just try it!  yeah

Diagnosed with: seizure disorder in 1962; seizure-free since 1969, anorexia from 1968-1969; IBS-D in 1996, Mild depression, anxiety, & OCD in 2000, (probably had since childhood); PMDD in 2001, Dysfunctional tear syndrome in 2009; Meds: Phenobarbitol, Paxil, Allegra; Supplements: Citrucel tablets; many vitamins, minerals & herbs - too many to list here

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 9/8/2009 4:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I have to agree, your anxiety is possibly making your IBS worse jt80. I know for you and many of us, it's a vicious cycle. One thing leads to another and it all becomes this huge ball of you know what, rolling down a steep hill, out of control.

This is one reason why I suggested you take your health back to the beginning last week. And it sounds as if you have been doing that - in regards to meds and diet.

Now I gently have to suggest to you that you take your emotional aspect of this disease back to the beginning or down to basics too.

Start with a list perhaps. List your concerns. Leave room at the side for suggestions for each. For example, you say you miss your sister but want to spend less time with her because of your symptoms. Why subject her to what you're going thru. Did it ever occur to you, she may miss you too? She may not even be bothered by what you perceive she would be bothered by (smell, you running into the bathroom quickly, you imagining her impatient waiting for you to finish). When in reality I suspect she only wants the best for you and would patiently wait for you to finish in the bathroom and then not even complain one bit about it. So please, if her very company makes you feel better, then invite her over soon.

Besides the fact that I accepted my situation as is and from that moment on, improved my day to day IBS symptoms much better, I also faced the simple fact that some of my worries were all in my own head. I perceived people irritated by my tying up a public bathroom too long, or after flushing once, their hand on the door handle almost ready to walk in on me, assuming I was finished. When in reality I had a mess on my hands, almost literally and needed to flush several times. At some point along the way I took several deep breaths, accepted my situation and to heck with what other people thought. Let them wonder what I was doing in that bathroom stall. I also get so courageous at times that IF anyone ever asked what I was doing (implying shooting up or something like that!) I wouldn't be opposed to opening the door and saying - so you want to see why I'm flushing so much, okay here you go.....of course I'd probably land on CNN news and be promptly arrested for exposing myself in a public bathroom (so in hindsight, don't do this!) but the truth of the matter is this jt80 - you take control and you take all the time in the world that you need in that situation, be it a public bathroom stall or if you feel ill in public. Even if you let rip the world's worst fart (oh come on, let's all confess right now, we all have done this, and I am not ashamed to admit that if someone blamed a baby's diaper or a kid innocently nearby I let them think it was that poor kid and not me!).........who cares, take care of yourself. Become selfish in these situations. You have the right to basic needs and to care of these needs.

My Internist told me once I am walking around with an invisible disability. Ever since he told me that I thought, he's right. I am walking around with one. People look at me and think I am 100% healthy. Ha, if they only knew what I go thru!

I've said plenty of prayers for you lately and a few have been answered, you've re-examined your meds and diet. And now I have one more request and hope for you, please oh please break these fears you have down, tackle them one at a time if that's easier for you. But face them, realize that the general public just doesn't even notice half of what we with IBS think they notice. In today's world, people are so consumed with texting, talking on cell phones, hurrying in traffic, listening to their iPods, they don't even notice if we're struggling. That's not meant to hurt your feelings in any way, please know that but once I realized people do not even notice me struggling with IBS symptoms I relaxed about managing all of this.

I wish you well, as always.
- Rectal Cancer 4/29/99, Stage I, no treatment necessary
(5 hour colon resection: 90% sigmoid removed, 15 inches of colon removed, gall bladder removed, temporary colostomy, reversed 8 weeks later)
- Chronic IBS/D symptoms, multiple bm's, on low residue diet
- Takes Colace 50 mg each evening

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 333
   Posted 9/8/2009 6:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks you guys I needed those words I need to take care of my mind over these issues my anxiety and stress are not helping much.I do have problems with my bodily funcitons I cant feel comfortable when I go through them I start tensing up when I do.I haaate having gas cause it feels like so much and it makes me feel uncomfortable I want to be ok with it and my other symptoms and have a **** it attitude like it is what it is.I need to stop beating myself up over them cause I'm stressing to much about them and that's not good.I know it's going to take me actually getting back to therapy and talking these issues over and I know it's going to take time also.Years of feeling bad I'm going to have to be healed from so that I can have a life that I'm happy with.Oh Lord this is going to take a lot of strength on my part to face aaaalllll my fears head on.Like start by opening up to peopel about IBS and this is what I deal with,for example I recieved an email to join a IBS facebook page.I'm not sure if I'm ready yet to join worrying about other people seeing that I'm part of this group,and this is what I go through but then again I am looking for people to relate to.I wonder if you can make private the groups your part of on facebook how do I set things on my page to private? On that facebook page there are like only four people on there if there were more people I'd join.But anyways I'm up early with bad stomach pains hungry at the same time I need to make it to an appointment today but it seems like I wont be able to make it.Dam another run on sentence lol I just be typing away lol well guys I'm going to try my best to take care of myself starting with my mind take care all. :-)
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