It's hard sometimes

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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 333
   Posted 8/24/2010 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
It's been the fight of my life trying to stay sane and happy but it does not help at all that I have to deal with this horrible disorder.Yes I've made progress in my stomach and digestive health being able to eat whatever without experiencing the dreaded D anymore.I've put on a lot of weight on I'm a whole new person from last year!!! I thank God every chance I get for bringing me out the darkest days of my life.Yes my IBS is 80% under control meaning getting to eat what I want without being in agony and running to the bathroom right away.I love the new me the weight I've put on and being able to enjoy food again feeling satisfied after eating something without being in pain or scared the dreaded D will come on.I just hate the next day if I've over indulged in something I can digest but will be trouble for me the next day.Having to have several trips to my bathroom to make sure I've moved all my bowels for the start of my day.My therapist tells me maybe that my normal that's just the way my system is now.Thinking that it's not normal from others but I do not know others bowels habits so that is probably untrue.I'm tired of the anxiety which my therapist insist is the major problem not my IBS anymore.She thinks I may not have IBS at all and that my system is normal but I keep thinking it's still not.The reason I still think it's not normal cause of the frequent trips to make sure I've evacuated enough of my bms to feel comfortable to head out and take care of errands or get to an appointment.The reason is cause I fear having to use a public restroom more then three times if I've not done that at home.

I do agree with my therapist that it's the anxiety and the constant thoughts about my bowel habits.The worrying and panicky feelings I get of having to get to an appointment somewhere new or going to a social function.I find ways to make things a lot easier for me and less anxiety filled.I hate the isolation I'm a homebody now I'm used to it but it does bother me for someone sooo young I do not have a social life.Yes I have my few closest friends but I hardly ever spend time in their presence!!! I long to be able to go out to eat with friends or go to a club or just a house party which I used to love.Loud music playing in a house of someone I barely know LOL!!! just dancing the night away with the my close friends which I came there with.My freedom is limited to come and go as I please without it being a fight and struggle to have a good day.It gets sooo lonely sometimes I feel like the loneliest man on the face of the earth.Yes people notice me yes I'm able to engage in a civil nice conversation but when it comes to going out to spend time with someone it's a dam struggle to try to get out to have a good time.Fun!!! is missing from my life!!! life is about spending time with the ones you love and love you back.It's about laughing smiling sharing I'm really missing that human interaction with my friends.For example my BFF just moved to a new apartment I've still not been able to get out to visit her and just hangout with her.The reason is cause it's a long trip on the train just thinking about a new destination brings on major anxiety.Even if she offered to come pick me up I'd be worrying while she's driving over to her place will I have to have her pull over so I can find a restroom to use.Yes she knows of my situation and is understanding but I'd rather not have to go through that experience!!!! It also upset me the most that I could not be there for her when her mother passed away from cancer I did not make to the wake or funeral cause of my anxiety!!!! I really wanted to be there for her but couldn't but she was sooo understanding! I'd rather be there for her then not and I never even got to go visit her mother while she was going through her hard fight with the cancer.Just to have been able to show her I was there for her instead of at home did not help much.Her mother knew about my IBS and struggles and was always praying for me just as I was for her.That still angers me and hurts me to my heart that I could not see her one last time but I know she understood why and I get a little relief from beating myself up over it.

I constantly ask God questions like why?!!!! there has to be a reason for this storm that I'm in?!!!! It all has to be for a greater good!!! to be able to come through all this loneliness and heartache to have an amazing victory over all this pain.To come out a fighter and be an example and inspiration for those who are going through what I went through.To be an amazing living testimony of God's healing power over my storm!!!! to be able to say I went through all of this and look at me now!!!! I've overcome every bad thing that the devil tried to come against me!!!! I hope and pray that will be my testimony in the end!!!! I'm going to keep fighting for my happiness and health!!!! and going to keep praying and going to keep keeping the faith!!!! I need to meet someone my age who's gone through similar struggles I need to be able to relate and have that support that will make this fight a lot easier for me!!!! Believe me I've tried several times to look for any support group in my area for IBS sufferers but no luck.My GI doctor you would think he would know of some but none at all!!!! I'm just going to keep pray and just take it one day at a time and be patient and just always try to find the strength within me to keep keeping on and get to my destination of complete happiness and content with my life and my victory over all this mess!!!! in Jesus name I pray amen!!!!

Lady Frog
Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 8/24/2010 7:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh sweetie. I remember some of your past posts and agree that you have come a long way. And I completely agree that the anxiety is worse than the dang gut gremlins that we live with! At one point I didn't leave the house for 3 months. I lived in an apartment building and the farthest I got was 5 feet from my front step to pick some flowers for my dining room table. I couldn't even take the garbage to the dumpster or do the laundry because it was too far from my comfort zone. We had shared laundry in the basement and we were on the 3rd floor. Too many doors between my bathroom and the washer and dryer. I couldn't get to the store, I didn't visit my parents( they didn't even live 5 minutes away) and there were days that I didn't even venture into the living room. Because it was a whole 5 feet father from the bathroom than the bed.

It's been 2 years since those days. This past weekend I went to my brother's wedding. I pushed so many of my anxiety triggers I'm surprised I didn't go comatose. But I did it. We are doing it. IBS stinks and anxiety stinks. If it's not that you are out of your comfort zone, it's that there is no bathroom( or a truly nasty one that you would rather have an accident than use). What helps me is really relishing when I make a break through. Yeah sometimes I feel stupid. Like that was so easy why did I fear it? But really feeling proud of myself for getting my son to the playground. Something I thought that I would never do because of my IBS and the anxiety. You will get to your friend's apartment. Maybe not tomorrow or next week. But you will.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 8/25/2010 5:16 AM (GMT -7)   
jt80 - so sorry to read you're still struggling with anxiety part of managing IBS. But I can certainly relate. Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemy. Years ago when I found myself in this situation (from having had part of my colon removed), I imagined others were watching my every move. What I was eating, or not eating, how many trips to the bathroom I was making, etc. Over time I realized that other people are busy and do not always notice what the rest of us are experiencing. Maybe over time we've become even more busy (been at this for 11 years) or my perception of their perception has changed. lol All I know is, if I project on the outside that all is well, when in fact my stomach might be heaving and rolling, then other people just honestly leave me alone. Even if I need another trip to the bathroom when I've just been in there 5 minutes prior, I just use it and never apologize, never try to explain. I just deal with it. That's the biggest change in my approach to this IBS affliction - I deal with things as is. As they are. Not how I wish them to be or they should be, but rather - I'm stuck with this for life and how can I manage IBS in a way that is the most normal (people who have 1 or 2 bm's a day and no bowel issues).

Of course this is just what works for me. You'll have to find your own way to approach the mental aspects of this disease that can really throw things off (physically).

Finally, I haven't done this for a while, but I've utilized this mental trick after recovering from surgeries - I project into the future, when having severe pain or not feeling well. For example, I'd tell myself over and over - in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, I will be feeling better or this will be over with.

We can't wish away IBS - wouldn't that be nice - but we can think ahead to a time period that you know for a fact you'll be feeling better (for another example, after a food you shouldn't have eaten passes thru your GI tract).

One more thing, because I keep thinking of them! I've noticed that my specific GI tract has it's own way of purging itself or regulating the bowel issues. I maintain the plain diet, the smaller food portions, daily stool softener, nightly probiotic, but once or twice a month by body just seems to go thru it's own extremely wacky purge. Probably what others have described as dumping, I will experience repeated bm's, over several hours, so many it's almost as if I had taken a bowel prep for a procedure. Years ago I used to try and stop these purges, but now I allow them to occur. Why? Because, I know I'll feel better when it's over and for some odd reason, my body just wants to do this. So I let it. I keep lots of magazines in the bathroom, sip hot tea while it's going on, remain on my plain food diet and then when I know it's over, the next day I make very sure to eat the foods that I know agree with my gut the most.

As always, I wish you the very best jt.
- Rectal CA 4/29/99, Stage I, 90% sigmoid/15" of colon/GB removed, temporary colostomy, reversed 6-26-99
- Chronic IBS/D symptoms, multiple bm's, on low residue diet
- Colace 50 mg, twice daily + Probiotic: Renew Life/Ultimate Flora/Critical Care/80 Billion daily
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