Posted 2/9/2012 11:32 AM (GMT -7)
Hi everyone... here is my story.. kind of a cathartic process just telling it!
When I was 23 I moved into Manhattan for no real reason other than everyone else was doing it, and my parents thought it would be a great growing up experience for me. I'm from LI so moving to the city was kind of par for the course.
I lived alone at first in an apt my father owned but didn't really live in anymore. I had no job before moving in. I was hooked up with a temp agency and worked temp jobs for a couple months, which help me learn the city, the subways, the whole shebang.
about 6 months into it I decided to move in with a close friend whose roommate was leaving. She was weird about it from the beginning, as was I, but whatever I did it anyway because my father was then selling the apt I was currently in. Living with this close friend was ok at best. Her annoying gorilla boyfriend was there all the time even though he had his own apt so eventually it was just decided that he start contributing to rent and utilities and all that. Unfortunately for me, they decided that only THEY would get the break in rent bc they were sharing a room, not me. So they split the rent between themselves which was already split between me and her, and my rent stayed the same amount. bullcrap. I made my feelings known but nothing got done.
6 months after THAT, talk was in the works about renewing our lease or something of the sort. I kind of didnt want to do that. I was even considering moving back home. i HAD found a permanent job by now, but was not making enough to really afford the $$$ apt, city life, bills, etc. Not to mention they both made way more than me and split the rent between themselves so I kind of always felt they were cheating me. I also HATED this boyfriend of hers. What an a*hole. Just the worst idiot ever. I kind of spent a lot of time venting to friend and making from of them to my other friends back home as therapy. They all felt my pain and wished Id just move back. At some point, the tension was palpable. The boyfriend was starting to realize my disdain and was hating me back. I think he assumed I was crap talking them to my friends so one day he listened in on a conversation I was having in my room on my phone. The next he was sneaking looks at my texts. The following day i left my phone home by accident and when i came home there were all these texts from him saying hed received texts from ME crap talking them. I was like what?? he fwded me the texts and they were texts from SOMEONE ELSE to me, not FROM ME to someone else. So how in gods holy name would HE have magically received these messages? And he said he received them at 730 am, when they were originally from 10pm the previous night. After much considering I realize he had snuck into my room while i was showering in the morning and LOOKED at my phone messages and fwded himself the messages. I went into a panic. I never felt like this in my life. My heart, my head, my blood, everything was boiling. I had to get out of there. He was threatening that he was going to tell my friend/roommate about this if I didnt fess up, but my phone was at work so since I never replied he told her. You can't even imagine the scene. They told her parents who wanted to call the police and felt I was threatening her life. I mean, it got REALLY bad. I barely put up a fight except to him. My fight wasnt with HER it was with him. And he stood in the corner and smirked while me and her fought and I would call him out and say YOURE the one. I got kicked out of that apt a few days later. and was home on LI for the next 6 months. I still commuted to my job in manhattan from there.
Around that time, and still reeling from the all the after-shocks of an even like that (seeing them around the city, explaining the story to people, picking up belongings, cancelling checks), ANOTHER friend of mine decided I was trying to steal her personal identity via her email and called the police on me and told me to never talk to her again. I HAD used her email to gain a 50% discount for first time customers at a local lunch spot near my office and my email was used already so I used hers and explained what I did. She thought it was funny and was like oh whatever that's cool, it was her b-day coming up, we said we needed to get together and the conversation continued normally. Two days later the cops are calling me telling me she barged into the precinct hysterical that I was like, stealing her whole life via her email. I was in a car wash at the moment the phone call came through and the feeling of the boiling blood and heart and face just came back. I couldn't believe this was happening again. Why were my closest friends doing this to me? *** was going on!? What did I ever do to deserve this? In neither instance was I ever granted the opportunity to explain or defend myself, I was shut down and corked up. Imagine going through that kind of trauma twice in 6 months. Life changing. I lost 2 groups of friend bc of those events, about 10 people.
I moved in w my best friend friend in Brooklyn and she too began the crap with the boyfriend coming over. How could she do this knowing what i JUST went through. I couldn't believe it. I said nothing except slight comments that shed dismiss or make excuses for or whatever. She never said, look I know you just went through some really hard stuff so if there's ever anything that I can do, let me know" like how hard would that have been? I didn't need her whole life to change, just a consideration. I had to listen to them have sex up against the wall my bed was on in the middle of the night, early in the morning, etc. It was ****ing rude. And Id feel that boiling feeling again. I shut down completely. Id come home, drink beer, eat ice cream and go to bed. I was in an annoying relationship with someone who was a deviant manipulative freak. All my money was gone bc of him. It was bad again. AGAIN!
I finally left the city, left my job. I was starting to not be able to take subways. faint online for lunch. Near faint in elevators. I couldn't wait for anything without getting cold sweats or fainting. Id race into work go straight to the bathroom and sit on a toilet and shake and sweat. It'd eventually go away and I resume my day. I couldn't be small spaces anymore. Id go to m'y friends apt and alcohol would affect me more and make me faint and anxiety ridden. I smoked at the time, and Id have a cig and be dizzy and come close to fainting. Id wait for 6 subways to go by before one would come that had a seat available for me. I couldn't stand still and wait, Id have to pace back and forth or sit.
Then came social anxiety. I didn't want to go to bars or parties. I didn't want to be in the city anymore. I start school to become a teacher. Id have anxiety attacks in classes, during observation hours at schools, and this is when IBS became a problem. The intense butterflies I felt now cause intense diarrhea.
like ***, really?! I felt like cursed. And I always brought it back to those traumatic events with my ex-friends. I also have considered a PTSD type thing.
2 years ago this June, I got a colitis flare up. Never even HEARD of it til this happened. Was in the hospital for a week. Had a colonoscopy, they found nothing. I got prescribed expensive pro-biotics that did nothing. It never got better. From the point on 2 years ago til now, I go to the bathroom TERRIBLE every single morning. for hours. starts at 7 ends at 1030. If I have to go anywhere before noon, its a problem. I got a job at a high school as a teaching assistant and would spend entire periods in the bathroom. Id have to leave or take off entirely. Id have to orchestrate coverage with other TAs from the bathroom bc I couldn't make it to the class to teach. it was NOT okay. I since left that job and am on the final leg of my teaching program and will start student teaching in September. Words cant express the dread. The fear. The anxiety. I can induce have diarrhea just thinking about it. I don't know what to do. I have 5 tests I need to study for and take for this certification and they are all in the mornings. I feel like I wont be able to take the tests. :( I don't know why I ever chose a profession that traps you in a classroom and you cant leave.
Ive come to many realizations and made many discoveries about my condition that compared to 3 years ago are like revelations. Coping skills, knowledge, etc. Its to the point where I can almost handle the anxiety now, the attacks the panic, the worrying. Its the IBS. Its the diarrhea. I mean come on man. I don't ever want to poop again. I want a coloscomy bag where I can poop all day long and not worry about it bc its a bag, not my pants. My biggest fear is that I will poop all over myself bc of not making it to the bathroom in time. Also what happens is hat if I REALLY have to go, and can't, or the bathroom is occupied at the moment, I go into like septic shock and get cold sweats and nearly faint. Ive been in the bathroom for an HOUR at work sweating and crapting and blacking out for a second. THAT IS NOT NORMAL!!!!!!??? Why is this happening to me?
I dont know if anyone is even still alive after reading this horribly written post, and for that I truly apologize. I've never actually put the whole thing down in one shot like this before. Are there medications that can ease nervous stomach, IBS type symtoms? I am considering CBT and also asking about beta blockers.
I am just really really afraid that this is going to rule my life forever and ruin my career. :(