So sorry I missed this, I have been having "issues" to put it mildly on all fronts. I have been low lately too, feel like giving up and sometimes I get really tired and just want to let go and it scared the heck out of me, because I just didn't care if I lived or died, I felt so "relaxed" (worn out from fighting) and just feel like giving up.
And I finally told my friend, I was so sick, and she said, "Marji, don't worry about
that! That's the 'peace that passes all understanding'." Now that sounded like a bad date to me! But after I stopped giggling from my own demented sense of humor, she said, "go with it, go for it, it's not giving up, its resting and you have a right to rest." It's true. We do have a right to rest and not "fight" all the time. We have the right to peace, and "giving things to God" and the doctors for a while. She said, "you know, that's God's (or you can substitute nature) way of giving you a break, you wear yourself out fighting and then just finally give it up to God, fate, whatever. And healing happens then too. Because we do need the break.
That's how I knew I was really sick, I told myself--not true. Like mst modern working women with family I was just too much of a control freak to let go under any other circumstances until I'd worked myself and body into a "must rest" situation.
So when I get really sick, which is like never now, unless I get friggin' pneumonia again, or keep driving like an idiot and end up in the hospital, if I get that feeling, I have this nice comfy feeling that I don't need to be afraid anymore, that giving up for now to rest is not giving up forever, and that its a nice comfy place to be to give it to God, to not be in control all the time (or try to be) to relinquish control for a while. It's hard for non-sick people to do. But it is where all the Buddhist monks and spiritual esthetes and monks and very very faithful visit, so you are in good company. I usually go there when my son drives me around.
You sound better! I wish I was there for you ssoner and hope you get some good "peace" and rest and can take your mind off things for a while. You got yourself there and you are doing what they need you to do. And they will tell you when to fight. You are a loving person and your life has been full of love and meaning too, BTW. You've helped me a ton. But you deserve to not worry and give yourself a rest, a spa break once in a while, even if it's not under the most pleasant circumstances, I look at it that way, a chanceto shed cares for a while and rest and heal. It is a weird phenomenon and frightening definitely sometimes.
Love to you and know I'm praying for you and hope you get good rest, Marji
Ills--Sjogrens-Lupus cond., AI polygland. dysfunction 2, hyper/hypopigment, scoliosis,kyphosis,stenosis, deg.,O.A.,spine surgeries, salivary/lymphectomies, NASH, COPD, RLS, UT/GI bleeds, hystero, brain/nerve damage,TB
Meds--INH,Plaquenil, Evoxac, Metformin, Synthroid, HCTZ, HRT and Lidocaine patchs, Voltaren gel, Klonopin, Vicodin, Restasis, Albuterol, steroids