Scared

Hi Pat,

 

You are in a tough situation. You're doing the right thing for those little girls by having them stay with you over the summer.  You never know, but those 2 months could be the change they need to sort their own little heads out.  They need emotional nurishment and you're giving that to them.  You are a wonderful grandmother.  On the hard days, reach out to those around you.  We're here for you any time!

 

Lots of love

Ginny

Giny and Red, thank you. I do feel a need to vent and talk about this. Red, my stepson is getting a half-day of outpatient therapy every day. He has opened up to me a lot and is learning to talk to his dad.

When my hubby and I married 11 years ago we had more issues than these with his kids and life was hell for a few years. The kids have all grown and improved, but the big difference now is that I love them. It was a lot harder back then. I believe that the stress of dealing with rebelious, addicted teenagers is probably what caused my lupus to show up and flare. I'm going to start weekly al-anon meetings on Fridays. I must be a supportive stepmom and grandmother but first I need to learn how do get a better handle on my stress.

Every bit of this is worth it because my husband is such a good man and husband. He's truly my soul mate. Problem is, he's not a very good dad. But he's trying.

I've been spending the day getting the playroom ready for "camp". It really is going to be a lot of fun and maybe it will even be good for me. We have a pool and a live in a quiet neighborhood with wonderful neighbors & sweet little kids on the block, and a large shady park a block away. My next door neighbor and I are going to carpool to tennis camp and she's such a wonderful mom that her kids are amazing. They're 4, 7, and 12 and come over to play with me and my dogs nearly every day. They're a good influence on my granddaughters. I just need to get this large, heavy knot out of the middle of my gut.

Thanks, you guys, for listening.

Pat

Fran,

You've given me some great suggestions. I've been giving this so much thought because I can't tolerate chaos and a "trashed" house. I've made posters with titles such as "Quite Time Activities" Activities to do with Adult" "Earned Activities" etc. I want them to help fill these out. Quite time activities are things they can do in the play room while I rest - reading, puzzles, games, drawing, etc. Earned activities are TV and going to the movies. I think they'll have fun filling in the rest.

I'm going to give my DIL a key and have her drop the kids off in their jammies and they can go to bed and sleep a while before we all get up for breakfast. I'd love to get any other suggestions you all might have.

I wish I understood why I have this knot in my stomach because I know this can be fun. Maybe I'm getting to the age where change in and of itself is scary for me.

Keep the ideas coming!

Hi Patty, I think you are a great person for doing this, no one says you have to but you want to help these children and that is wonderful and I know they will appreciate it more than you will ever know!

I felt the same way you are when my cousin called me to tell me to come get our grandmother, that she had enough! I thought to myself how in the world am I going to be able to take care of her, work a full time job, my hubby, my kids, etc. And when I say take care of her I mean it, in every sense of the word. I had to help her bathe, I had to cook, fix her drinks, meds, snacks, etc it was like have a toddler again. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't take anything for that time, especially now that she is gone but it was hard. My body however held up quite well until she moved out with my mom and then it shut down! I went into a terrible flare that lasted a couple of months. Then months later she passed away, my hubby was dx with cancer, had dental surgery and my mom got married, there again I held up pretty well during all of this only by the grace of God and them WHAM! Another flare, worst one EVER.

So I guess if I could give you any advise it would be, even though your body seems to be handling things well, be kind to it. Rest, eat right, don't skip meals, drink plenty of fluids and rest, rest, rest!!!! Since the kids are a little older and can do things for themselves maybe you will be able to take periodic rests throughout the day. OH and don't be afraid to say NO when you are feeling up to doing something!!!

You are a wonderful person and you will be in my thoughts and prayers! hugs and love to you!

Wow Patty . . . . *phewwwww!* Tea on the way!!! Sounds like you have made some great plans to manage the kids. I have a book recommendation if it might help. This guy is amazing. Kevin Leman is the author . . . the name of the book is "Have a New Kid by Friday". His method is so great. There is no arguing or threatening . . . I heard him speak on a Christian radio show. He is brilliant. Without realizing it, my husband and I had been using a lot of his techniques, so I know they work. When you said "earn TV privileges" . . .that is one of his tools. With your step son . . . I can only suggest that there be some "house rules" before he moves in, which would include paying his way (even if you don't need the money). Because he needs to have that responsibility. He should also have other responsibilities there. A weekly family meeting might also help. A friendly time of going over the issues. I had a brother-in-law board with me and the friendly meetings really kept things smoothed out. I finally got my invite to Ravely . . . YEAH!! Thanks for mentioning it! I'm really enjoying the community . . . I found a group there who, like me, changes patterns to make them seam-free. LOL . . . I've made the Saartje Booties and they are SO cute!! I hope your summer is a blessing!!

Wow. I never expected support like this. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Lynnwood. Your suggestion is perfect & I wonder why I didn't think of it earlier. I'll make a poster with emergency numbers. My neighbor Julie is nearly always home. My hubby is just 5 minutes away and I'll ask him to as his assistant if she'd run over if he were unavailable. I have two friends who've offered to pitch in if there's an emergency. And I'm going to talk to their other uncle and see if he'd be available some. When their mom has an 8 day stretch maybe he and his wife could keep them for a couple of days. They both have cell phones and I'll make sure they have a bowl for them right under the poster. By the way, my tummy feels better today.

Stacie, taking care of an elderly sick grandmother is harder than watching children. I had a similar experience a few years ago when I moved my folks into assisted living and then Dad into an apartment & Mother into the nursing home part of the facility. My daughter was a teenager and I was running my business. I was exhausted all the time trying to take care of everyone. Dad's license was taken away so there was so much to do. Then suddenly, within 7 months of each other, Sarah graduated and left for college, Mother died, and then Dad passed away. Strange as it may sound, for a long time I yearned for those exhausting days when I at least had them in my life. You and I both know that when we step up to the plate like that, even though it turns our lives upside down, it's something we never regret. I'm sorry you had so many other crises in your life that caused you to flare.

Thank you Weleetka. :)

Rosie, I'll check out the book. It sounds great. The 8 year old threw a fit the other night when I asked her to put her things up after her bath so I sat down and had a long talk with her. I explained that whining, arguing, and yelling make me crazy and she doesn't want me to be crazy, plus they're not appropriate. Then I promised her that I would not scream, yell, or ground. And I needed for her to promise to be a good little girl. She gave me a big old bear hug and we kissed and made up. She's used to being screamed at so it will take some time. I have never screamed at my kids and they never whined or argued. We just talked about things and I hope and pray I can make that work with my grandkids.

My stepson is doing pretty well. He so badly needs to experience life in a healthy home and it breaks my heart that at 25 he's never had a happy place to live in. He's going to group in the mornings and working in the afternoons. We talk a lot. He's loving being here with my daughter, who's home from college for the summer, and he loves his little nieces. With a lot of help and resources, we'll make this a happy summer.

Yeah for Ravelry! So glad you like it. I'm PattyLatty there to, so send me an invite to be your friend and we can talk there and see each others projects. What's your Ravatar? I've been dying to make the Saartje Booties!

Love you guys.

Pat

Patty,
You never know, it may improve things at home, they may bring together your stepson and father, or at least help the stepson. I have a 21 year old son at home that is very hyper on the immature side, which is fine by me, though he's growing up now. Anyway, in the months he's gone, things get tranquil and I rest so much that I think I can never be that active again. But when he's home, somehow, his energy is contagious and keeps me going, to a point.

As a single mom who worked two jobs, I taught my son how to wash dishes with me and clean up, making it a game, and he helped me carry things and do things we needed to do. I think so many kids these days are utterly helpless because they have not been brought up like kids used to be, working on a farm after school, doing chores, etc. It's so important for them. And they also need to learn to care for someone other than themselves. I try to look at it this way when I feel guilty about my illness, that my son has learned to care for someone, me in this case when things are bad. He haslearned to cook, to clean, to help me with bills and to do his own, to do laundry, work on cars with my boyfriend, do outdoor work, but most of all, to care for someone else. When he gets married, some lucky woman will have a good guy who will not be afraid of illness, but step in and know what to do. Sometimes out of the blue he gets me a cup of tea(like Rosie). It just doesn't get better than that.

I'm not a perfect mom, but in some ways, being sick is a part of life, and my son knows about it and can get through it. When he was little and I was really sick, we tried to hide it, but I was so sick, it could not be hidden. It frightened him and saddened him because he didn't know what to do or what would happen. It was better that we talked to him, and he began to help out, spending time with me back then, so he felt he had some control over things. Now, we share our illnesses and care for each other. I'm glad we did that.

I know you will be in for some great times that will make the rest pale. And I really pray this helps your stepson realize there is a world outside his head, full of people who need him to be there, whole and healthy. Best wishes, Patty, I know you'll do fine. And also, I feel for your daughter and her work schedule. It's shameful people have to work so hard just to try to live.

Thanks Marj and Debbie.

Our first day of "Summer Camp" was wonderful. The girls love their new playroom and have really bought into the idea of this being a camp. Their attitude was great and when I got exhausted from all we had done and went in my room for a break they happily went to their playroom and worked on scrapbooks. Cross your fingers! And a great big thank you for everyone's support.

Pat

Come on over this afternoon. I'm exhausted. Thank goodness my hubby's home today so I can take a nap!

OK Patty . . . heading over with my knitting and portable recliner!! Finished that little Grrrrr washcloth for my grandbaby!! Its so cute!!! Blessings!

You know I really wish the spoon theory would fix the problem with my 11 yr old, but she thinks I am lying about being sick or at least says I am and I can't get her to the dr with me. Your grandkids sound nice.

Hi Patty Latty, I just read your cry for help and I sooooo know what you are talking about. As I try to sell my house and imagine living with my daughter who has a 2 yr old daughter and my daughter is planning on taking on-line courses this fall, "besides MeMe(that's me!!!) can help! Oh my gosh ! What gets me through is the fact that I believe that loving that beautiful 2 year old, can have tons of beautiful blessings. I am 51 and so very tired at times and wonder how i will do it. I guess I will do it by God's grace and the rewards will come, one day or another. I'm proud of you and believe you did what you knew needed to be done. I love your litter analogy ! You are gift sent to those children and they will always remember their stay with you. Blessings at 60! They are going to learn lots from you even when the flairs come, they will learn. It's all good! Tammy