I have painful stories from my illness and also lost my organs young due to it, and have been sick for 17 years just gettng a real diagnosis in the last few years. I had a worse thing happen and had to have a medically necessary termination due to some very heavy meds I was on, don't know how I managed to get pregnent as my husbnd was "doublebagging" but it was a horrible loss that I still cannot get over. I was so young and was very frightened, I had not been ill all that much,at least not nythingserious, thenthey gave me a year to live. I would not have carried the child to term, it would not have lived due to the medication. Stopping the mediction would have killed me before I could deliver. Then after I lost my female organs, which had been rendered sterile permanently from the medication anyway and cancer type stuff was starting to show up on tests. I thought I was done with kids but when I was in my late thirties a desire came to me to want another child. I am often glad now that I was not able to make that decision because I am pretty sick now.
One thing I did forget about are grandkids,and they are going to be great, when I get some. I'm ready to fix my sons up with women desperate to get pregnant (just kidding) so that I can have some grandkids. They really need to get on the stick.
I know your kids are probably still young, but they grow so fast. Another option is to try to foster a child, so many children need good foster homes. I know the child would not be your blood, but I have learned that you end up loving them just like they were. This might be a way to see if you might want to adopt. If you still have eggs frozen at the facility or still have your ovaries, you migh be able to do the surrogate thing, if you could find a relative or someone to help you.
But I still think its not about quantity. And perhaps this is God's plan for you, though it may not be your plan for you. My chihuahuas fill my need for babies. They act just like babies, love to be held and they say their great popularity is due to the fact that genetically they are furthest removed from the wolf of all dogs and the most like a human baby. My little dogs are my babies and like to be held all day. They really filled a little empty spot I had. They are great little dogs.
I guess I'm offering all these thoughts because I feel your pain. I can only tell you that perhaps for some reason only God knows, this is the way your family needs to be. Sure the doc was totally messed up,and the whole situation was a mess, like mine. But it happened, to both of us, and we can only go on the best we can.
Oh, also, getting close and being a "favorite aunt" or "favorite mom in the neighborhood" can really help. Sometimes I felt closer to other people's kids, and I'm so honored whenthe come to me. So many kids need love and guidance. My grandparents were my "parents", they really loved me. So things like that happen too.
Well, I wish I could fill that hole somehow for you and takeaway our bad experiences. The worst part of my experience was that the toxic and sterilizing medication I was put on I was recently told I did not need, that I was misdiagnosed, so a child died for that, and I lost my reproductive organs and my health is trashed. All for a mistake. They tell me itis too late to sue. I need to change the subject.
Anyway, much love to you and try not to focus on it so much if you can but try to just enjoy the family you have. Your kids might notice otherwise, and it migh make them feel that they are not enough. It was a really raw deal, for both of us and for Carol, I just try to keep the faith and look forward t grandkids and the opportunity to take care of kids as a volunteer or baby sitter.
Ills--Sjogrens-Lupus cond., AI polygland. dysfunction 2, hyper/hypopigment, scoliosis,kyphosis,stenosis, deg.,O.A.,spine surgeries, salivary/lymphectomies, NASH, COPD, RLS, UT/GI bleeds, hystero, brain/nerve damage,TB
Meds--INH,Plaquenil, Evoxac, Metformin, Synthroid, HCTZ, HRT and Lidocaine patchs, Voltaren gel, Klonopin, Vicodin, Restasis, Albuterol, steroids