Husband don't want baby now... even though now is good time... considering

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 12/30/2009 9:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Me and my husband went to my Gyno for an appointment last week. He told us that due to me having lupus and lack of periods he would suggest we try to get pregnant now considering I am in good health right now and that I may need help in the process due my period being out of whack right now. He went into detail the risk that it could involve if I waited until I was older to get pregnant or if we waited the 3 years as planned then it took 2 or more years to get pregnant I would be in my late 20s to early 30s. With lupus the older you get the worse/more the disease will affect you so later down the road we don’t know what shape I will be in and if it will be good for me and the baby if I get pregnant too late. For example he had a patient with lupus before that had a child too late in her upper 30s and she died giving birth because the lupus had affected her kidney.

My husband had wanted to wait three years after we got married to have a kid. His reasons being that he wanted to work on his car(s) and get his masters. As the time goes by however, every time it is brought up the list of reason continues to grow. Now it’s money, cars, masters and pass his CPA exam. He told me that he doesn’t want a kid right now and that is that. If I were to get pregnant now he would not be happy and it would put a strain on our marriage. The thing is if we wait because he wants to and then I can’t have a child of my own I know that I will hold it against him rather I wanted to or not. Then it would take time for me to be ready to adopt kids after I find out that I couldn’t have any of my own. He doesn’t understand it though… he said ‘if we can’t have kids later on when we try then we can just adopt its not that big of a deal.

I had to leave after our talk and spent the night at my parent’s house. Since the talk and appointment I have thinking a lot lately about what I should do about the situation. He doesn’t seem to take in consideration the risk and what could happen to me or the baby or both if we wait. All he knows is that he wants to wait to even start to try to have kids and that is it. Nothing else matters.

I need some opinions as to what would be the right thing to do considering the situation and perhaps they will make me realize if I am being realistic with my thoughts or if my mind is just running wild.


"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."
Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
Medicine: Plaquenil- twice daily & Tramadol for pain when needed up to twice daily.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 482
   Posted 12/31/2009 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi. I read through your post several times and my heart goes out to you - I can tell you are very stressed.

For what it is worth, my opinion is this: right now there are some things you and your husband need to work out before adding a pregnancy to the mix.

You: while you speak of the risks involved if you wait to have a baby, are you being realistic about the risks involved in maintaining a pregnancy? Pregnancy presents a tremendous amount of stress to your body. There is no sure way to know what the results would be with regard to your lupus. Maybe you would have no problems, maybe you would horribly flare - no way to tell. And having a baby, then raising a child, requires an enormous amount of time and energy. Lupus often interferes with both of these.

Husband: is it possible he is more afraid than he wants to let on. I am guessing he has seen you pretty sick. Is he afraid that pregnancy might do that to you? And, let's be honest, is he afraid that he might have to do the majority of child care - if your lupus should flare? He might not be ready for all that having a child entails, especially if you (the mom) end up too sick to care for the child. And, it is better for him to admit that now, then go along with having the baby, but then saying he can't handle it.

Just some thoughts. Maybe you and your husband could pick a time to sit down and "lay all your cards on the table". Reach a compromise that works for both of you. Both of you have the right to feel equally a part of this decision.

Good Luck
Take care, Fran

Dx: Lupus, sjogren's, celiac, severe allergies.
Daily Meds: Plaquenil, Zyrtec. Aciphex, Nasacort, Prozac, Ambien CR, CellCept, Bactrim
Daily Supplements: Calcium, B-100 Complex, Daily Vitamins.
As Needed Meds: Epinephrine, Benadryl, Proventil, Xopenex, Tylenal, Darvocet, Prednisone.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 2573
   Posted 12/31/2009 11:46 AM (GMT -6)   
I wouldn't rush into having a child just because the timing seems perfect health-wise. I would talk with my rheumy and plan things a little better. You had a plan and your husband is putting off having children, it is entirely possible he is afraid to have kids. Seriously, lupus is terrifying for men and the idea of adding a child to the mix can have them running scared. Maybe talking with a therapist-both of you- would help.
Dx:fibromyalgia 2002, systematic lupus 2005- definate CNS involvement dxed late 2005, psoriasis 2006, rheumatoid arthritis 2006, PTSD 2007, multiple allergies 2005, migraine, compression fractures T11 & T12, Sjögren's, damaged periphrial nerves 2007, exema
Tx: plaquenil, Enbrel, Tramadol, Singulair, Skelaxin, Baby Asprin, Imuran, Prilosec, lasix, Evoxac, Celebrex, Darvocet when things get too bad, prednisone again, various vitamin/mineral supplements, cozar
"Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible." T. E. Lawrence

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 130
   Posted 12/31/2009 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi :) I am sorry you are having such a difficult time - not a good way to start the New Year !

I don't think your gyny is right when he says the older you get the worse the lupus gets. As far as I know there is no way of telling how lupus is going to develop in any individual, or what effect on the lupus pregnancy will have either during the pregnancy or on the severity of the disease after birth.
I have read that about one third of cases get better one third stay the same, meaning no worsening of current symptoms or no new developments, and one third get seriously worse. Obviously that is only a very rough guide since we have no way of knowing the treatment histories except that it is certain that the sooner it is diagnosed and the sooner the disease is brought under control the better the long term prospects with a bit of luck thrown in. It can be a seriously sneaky disease if you are unlucky. I would run the gyny's comments by your rheumatologist who hopefully is a lupus specialist and better qualified to advise you on lupus pregnancies than the gynecologist. There are also high risk ob/gynys and maybe your rheumy can recommend one who can give you another take on your own situation. You would need to be doing this anyway if you had been intending to conceive right now. All SLE pregnancies count as high risk even when there is no organ involvement.

The ideal is to have been off all medications for six months before TTC. If that isn't possible then the lupus should be stable and you have to make sure that the meds you are taking are safe in pregnancy and also make sure you have your rheumy's support and know what is his general attitude is. Plaquenil for example is very often continued in pregnancy these days by leading lupus doctors so as to avoid the risk of flaring but not all rheumies agree with that. You don't want to be pregnant and find your rheumy is not up to date. or has his own views about this. So before getting all worked up you absolutely need more information, second or even third opinions that could well remove the immediate anxiety take the pressure off you both and give you a breathing space to take a long hard look at your relationship.

One thing is absolutely clear: your husband right now definitely doesn't want children and he has been honest about this to his credit. I get the impression that there has already been some lack of agreement between you and that the gyny's remarks have brought things to a head, a reality check. I am probably old enough to be your grandma and I can tell you categorically that having a baby never solved anything. After all it is creating a new life and years of care and responsibility. There is a considerable risk of things going wrong in healthy pregnancies too, although this is rarely talked about. Even the most solid relationship can be badly damaged by the stresses of traumatic events. The marriage break up rate when things go very wrong is very high indeed and that's with decent people, rock solid relationships and planned pregnancies. It is wonderful to have a place of refuge and comfort but really you need to be with him doing some damage limitation - tell him panic's over, you think the gyny could be wrong and you're going to see what other doctors think and right now focus on each other and being together. You can take a long hard look at the relationship bearing in mind that he might be doing the same. A few years more is neither here nor there in the long run and considering the seriousness of the issues involved.
I've been married 43 years happily on the whole, but I can tell you, it needs working at :)

All the very best


Post Edited (BumbleBee1) : 12/31/2009 11:38:57 AM (GMT-7)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1048
   Posted 12/31/2009 1:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow! I'm sorry you are dealing with this issue. I understand the desire to have a child. I am in my late 30's and will never be a mom. That hurts me so much even though I'm not even married.

I experienced remission in my late 20's/early 30's...had the right person come along I would have a child asap. Now, as the disease has progressed and taken it's toll. I can't imagine having that magnitude of a responsibility. I know people do it and survive. But it takes so much energy and effort to raise a child. I agree with those who said don't do it just because the timing seems right "health wise".

My doc has also said that sometimes as a woman ages some experience "lupus burn-out" where symptoms reduce drastically. What ever you decide, my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 5514
   Posted 12/31/2009 4:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jayme,

You're getting a lot of great advice and objective opinions here. I'm adding the same cautionary advice. I actually had a hysterectomy a year ago to make sure I didn't get pregnant! The last thing my husband and I need is a child to add to the insanity in our lives. Insanity being Lupus.

Just remember how hard it is to look after yourself when you're flaring, or even day to day, how hard it is. Then you add in a baby, child, teenager to the mix, how difficult will it be then? Is it fair to the child?

I agree with the others who mentioned how important it is to value your husband's opinion on not having kids right now. If he's scared, and he probably is, then getting pregnant is not a good idea for your marriage. His idea to wait or adopt later is a good one. Don't discount his reasoning too quickly I think he has an objective view on what is best for you and him.

Sending you both big hugs!!!!


Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 2608
   Posted 12/31/2009 6:07 PM (GMT -6)   

I know what it's like to want a child, because I'm 60 and if I could still get pregnant I think I would. I've always had a strong need to be around children and to care for them. I'm one of the lucky ones because I didn't get sick till my youngest kid was 16.

When I read your post, it broke my heart. But I also thought about the baby that you want to have and how hard it has been on my now 22 year old daughter for me to be sick all the time. We're real close but I can't really be a real mother to her. Thank God I could when she was little. If I had a baby or a little child right now I know I wouldn't have the energy to give it all it needs. And the lack of sleep and fatigue that goes along with being a new mom would certainly worsen my lupus. Give that little baby some time for you to get your lupus under control and for you and your hubby to get on the same page. I think you'll figure out what to do, even without our advice.

Mostly, I want to send you a big (((((Hug)))) and let you know that I care. I hope you start feeling better.

SLE, fibro, renauds, restless leg, hiatal hernia, double vision, migraines, costocondritis.

prednisone, plaquenil, leflunomide, neurontin, synthroid, triamterene, actonel, niaspan, lyrica, tri-est, cymbalta, acifex

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