abandoned by spouse after bad news about my lupus

Hi, I'm new to the forum and appreciate any help you can give me.  I have had lupus for 22 years.  My husband and I have been married for 17 years.  My last labs showed I have Lupus Anticoagulant.  I also have a problem with my aorta, liver, and diaphragm (these are the latest problems).  This morning my husband told me that he can't handle seeing me get worse and is no longer interested in me or attracted to me.  We are both born again Christians and went through intensive marriage counseling 3 years ago.  He has someone he is interested in and apparently all the feelings he had for me now go to her.  I am completed devastated and bewildered.  Has anyone else gone through this?  I would greatly appreciate any help.  I feel so alone and abandoned.  I have loved him with all my heart for so many years and feel like I have lost my life.  I am tempted to just quit treatment.  Thanks in advance for any of your views.

Beautiful words Bill. You have a way of telling it like it is.

Long time lupie, I can't say it any better than Bill did, but I offer you my sincerest condolences. So many people claim to have values that fly out the window when times get hard. You can do this, and we'll be here to help you. I think you might find many friends on this forum, and though their experiences may differ from yours, they will totally understand what you're going through.

Hang in there.

Pat

I am so sorry your hubby is a jerk like many males out there. I am lucky, my hubby has AI issues too and refuses to give me up no matter how bad I get. I wish that everyone had someone who loved them unconditionally and supported them through good times and bad. Just remember it is his loss because you are obviously a magnificent person if you have lupus. I think lupus hits only the cream of the crop as far as its' victims go. How else could we get such a great community of people? Lupus is like the fire that burns away bad relationships and wishy washy people just can't stand up to the test it presents. Know that many here have some kind of experience in losing their significant other to lupus. Just wish lupus always provided a replacement significant other. Sorry if I am rambling I am flaring pretty bad lately so I may make no sense at all. Just know we are here and we care even when jerks are being jerks.

I am so sorry to hear your husband abandoned you after so many years of marriage, I couldn't imagine what you're going through. You sound like a very strong person and I pray you will get through this just fine. Remember everything happens for a reason, God will make something good out of something bad! Hang in there and remember we are here for you. Take care and God Bless

Stacie,

Thank you for your prayers and understanding. I know God will bring me through this. I know that I will come out better in the long run. Even though he doesn't want me anymore, I feel guilty about causing him to worry and for the anxiety my illness put him through. I pray for him too that he can come to terms with what he has done. It's hard to even get up everyday. I know this will pass...just wish it would hurry!

Long Time Lupie

I don't know what else to say except I am sorry for what is happening to you right now. Sometimes though, there is a silver lining in the cloud. You never know what is around the corner. I love the story Bill put up here and think it is a perfect example of what can happen. I've been through a nasty divorce and low and behold when I least expected it, was ready to give up, the greatest man came into my life. I was ready to give up, believe me. I waited soooooo long and so it was a real blessing. He accepts my health issues. He is not a "Christian" either but did accept me in sickness and health. I hope for you that you will find peace and happiness. Do get counseling, a good attorney and that will help you out considerably. God Bless.

Bill, I agree with you. My dad stood by my mother during the past ten years of her life when she was wheelchair bound. He gave up his own life to care for her. He died 7 months after she did. I sometimes think he willed himself to live until she died because he wanted to be there for her. It was real hard on him and I always told him that he was a saint. Towards the end, he developed early alzeimers, but still put her first.

My husband is the same way. We were in our late 40's when we married and had a few wonderful healthy years. Since I've been sick, he has waited on me hand and foot. I encourage him to get out with friends when I'm not up to it, and he does. He needs to have some sort of life outside this house. We made a commitment to each other when we married and we're both going to fulfill that commitment, no matter what.

I too had friends slowly pull away. I'm not trying to get into their heads, but I think some people just don't want to deal with illness. On a positive note, having an illness like we do sorts out our true friends from those who we thought we could count on but can't. I like knowing who my good friends are.

Yes, LTL, you can have a good life with lupus. Different but good. Just keep smiling and remember, some people recover and go into remission, so don't ever give up.

Again, I'm so glad you have joined us.

Pat

Lynn,

Your post brought me to tears. I must admit that my husband has always taken me to dr. appts and for tests. He searched endlessly for doctors for me since we have no insurance. I guess he did what he could for as long as he could. I am trying very hard not to judge him. I have loved him for so long, and I can't make my love for him go away. Your statement that spaces are left for better things to replace them is so true. Thank you for reminding me that there is life outside my little corner. I know time will heal the emotional pain. I just wish I didn't feel so physically lousy right now. I have packing to do and things to get in order. It's so hard to even crawl out of my bed. Thanks to all of you for being so supportive.

Well, I have met a lot of really lousy women but I don't bring that into our discussions.  The truth is that there are a lot of people who just "get going" when the going gets rough.  But to single out men....not realistic.  If I had sterotyped women I am sure many would have jumped on me for such nonsense.  And I would have deserved it.

Bill

I'm horrified that this could have happened, and so, so sorry.

There's nothing I can say, Long Time, except offer you hugs.

This is a huge kick in the teeth for you, but I hope you will be able to find the strength to keep going.

*hug*

Ivy.

Hi LTL, I'm sorry any of the bashing came in to this. truth is there always seems to be someone in our lives man woman brother sister mom dad boyfriend girlfriend. There is always someone that we need in our life when we are hurt and tired and afraid and for whatever reason they aren't able or willing to be there. God knows I've been hurt so many times since I got sick. I have family that live down the street and I can go for 2 months without seeing them. and if I didn't call them we would hardly speak. As for your husband I can't speak to that diretly. My husband died when I was 42. I started getting really sick when I was 48. I don't know how he would have handled it. I beleive God took him home first because he wouldn't have been able to cope with my disease. Not that he didn't love me enough but because he has severe problems from his times in vietnam. I have never met anyone since him and if you hang around here long you  will notice I'm always trying to get someone to send me a warm body. It is good to have someone to hold your hand. you have to have that. Come here for all the support you need and and reach out to friends who are strong enough to handle your illness. They say if you need something done find the busiest person you can and ask them for help. It usually tends to be true. I'm not saying run out and find a boyfrineds because that isn't what you need right now. you'll just wind up disappointed cuz they didn't turn out to be what you thought. Like Pat said people go into remission all the time. DON"T even think about giving up. Frankly the best thing you can do for yourself is work as hard as you  can and lead as good of a life if you can. Also if your husband is moved out which if that is how he feels I would hope he did. You can get help with someone coming in to help around the house or help you with physical thearpy and give you someone to talk to.  There are good aides and bad ones just find one that clicks for you. You are not alone. You will never be alone. When you get to know somepeople here share your email if you feel comfortable. I have made friends here that have saved my life. Look for a link on here called the spoon theory and those people that you are close to need to read it to understand what is going on with you. You need to worry about working on you and let your husband work on him. It is not your fault you are sick. Don't do that to yourself. Don't make excuses for him.

welcome to the family

God bless

carol

I'm glad you have somewhere to live, Long Time.

For what it's worth, I think it's important to allow yourself to feel the anger, for a while, anyway. We can develop severe health problems if we deny these feelings. The anger may help you, for a while, to move away from him, emotionally, and build a new life for yourself.

Keep hanging in there.

Ivy.

LTL,

I'm so so sorry that you're going through such a painful time.....I do understand the pain. My first husband left me penniless and unemployed with four children. I was so hurt.....beyond devastated. And we were both Christians too.

But now that I look back on that time from the vantage point of several years I'm so glad he left! I never would have gone back to school, earned my degrees, gotten my great job or married the wonderful Christian man I'm married to now if my ex hadn't left me.

I know it's even worse for you because he's abandoning you when you are sick...but as Bill points out, it is possible to get better! I'm glad to hear that you have a safe place to live with people who love you! I will definitely pray for strength and healing (emotional and physical) and that your SSDI benefits come through for you!

((((((hugs)))))))
JoAnn