Divorce / Lupus & Dating

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CATZZ
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 11/20/2010 1:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Everyone,
I'm sorry I haven't been on in awhile. I decided to get a divorce and it's been a rough year.  I'm starting to date now and I wondered about when to talk about my lupus. My ex husband met me when i was still healthy and then I got sick and he was actually very supportive and kind...but i'm sure not all guys are the same. I know I don't want to mention it too early. I was thinking I should wait and see if the realtionship looks like it might go somewhere and then bring it up. Has anyone out there been through this? If so when did you tell them, how did you bring it up etc. I'm nervous that once I tell someone they will walk away. It's not the loss of the guy that scares me because if he would do that he's not a good guy anyway its the being rejected for being sick part. I reject myself for having this illness so to have someone else do it would be very painful. Any advice would be appreciated. I hope everyone feels their best for the holidays! Missy

okie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 2818
   Posted 11/21/2010 6:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi hun, sorry about the divorce. As for when to tell them I guess everyone is different. Personelly I would tell them on the first date. It's not like you are going to give him some disease. Besides if neither of you have anything invested in the relattion yet it's better that way. Why would you want to wait until you have time and God only knows what else invested in it before you say something. What if you get tired and have to go home or you can't go to the beach or out 4 wheeling or somthing. Things you can't do. It's better to have it out in the open. I'm not saying you have to tell him you've had 500 boy friends or was a drunkin drug addict at one time in your life but I go by honesty is the best policy. Shoot most people don't even know what lupus is. After a few boyfriends you'll have it down to a science. There are a lot of people in this world that just don't have a problem with it and if they do then they aren't mature enough to be in a relationship anyway. I don't mean to pull out a hanky and start crying about having lupus but there is no reason why it shouldn't come out if you spend any amount of time with them.
ok well that's my opinion for what it's worth
good luck
hugs
carol

kat10
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 11/22/2010 9:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Catzz, I am with Okie, I am seperated from my husband, the only reason we have not gotten a divorce yet is because I need the insurance and he has been kind enough to keep me on it, I have not started dateing yet but I have met someone on line that I have been chating with frequently and I struggled with how and when I should tell him about me having Lupus, and decided best to do it right away, that way if he decided he didnt want to talk to me anymore I would not be hurt, seeing how nothing was vested into the relationship. He was thankful I was honest with him and we still talk and he has become a good friend and has supported me through this. Other people I have told have bolted as soon as I told them so I figure, better now than later, some people just cant handle other people who are sick or dont want to deal with it and I say fine because those are the people I dont want in my life, weed out the bad. I think Honesty is the best policy. Good Luck too you!

Kat

kharma
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/24/2010 6:42 PM (GMT -6)   
I suppose I am lucky, when I got diagnosed in 2006, I was 25 years old and had been dating a guy for over a year. 6-8 months in, my Lupus got crazy and I felt crazy...he left me...my lupus got worse...I would meet others online and hear about their divorces, etc and how marriages and relationships, like mine, did not last through the suffering of Lupus, I figured I could never meet someone or get married....within a year I started to feel better, after my chemo, my hair was barely there and I decided to go out to a bbq for my best friends homecoming(she had just moved back from California). I was comfortable being seen by her family since they were so supportive during my serious illness, and was excited to finally be in a social anything at that point. One of her guy friends who I had heard about but never met was there. We chatted throughout the day and I had finally reached a point where I brought up my lupus in passing...He stopped me and said...You are that sick girl I have heard about? I was like...well I sure don't want to be called that:) He could not believe the girl he had been talking to all day was even sick...with anything...

Needless to say we have been dating ever since...we got engaged earlier this year and are getting married next year. I cannot believe how supportive and understanding he is with EVERYTHING! It has not been an easy road but we both have great attitudes and really take care of ourselves the best we can....organic foods, activity (when I can), rest, alot of love and laughter. I feel fortunate now but trust was a huge first step that took over a year to gain. I was convinced he would grow tired of all my flares and what not, and leave.

I guess what I am trying to say is it can be all about the attitude of the person and you. He hates my illness but loves how I deal with it and respects me more because the strength it takes to get through it everyday. He also gets disppointed when I don't treat my body right or get negative and depressed. I explain it's just enevitable, but his disappointment only makes me want to overcome everything even more. He is the reason I want to get better and every Lupus patient should have someone like that in their lives...whether its a child, a parent, or a partner. It truly can change your life with Lupus...

I wish you the best of luck and think that since Lupus is most likely a big part of you life it should be mentioned right away when someone it trying to get to know you. And you should have the right attitude when telling that person. I suppose it's hard to be "proud" of your Lupus but it makes you..you...and for me it made into the person I am today...I like to think a better person!

Now get out there and get frisky!!! LOL

kat10
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 11/24/2010 10:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Karma, I am so happy for you. you are too funny, you made me laugh
Kat10

kharma
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/24/2010 10:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Kat10...I am new to the site..but I think we all haveto to throw some humor in there once in awhile just to keep our sanity!

kat10
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 11/27/2010 4:12 AM (GMT -6)   
kharma, I agree 100% and welcome :)

Kat
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