pbjsammich, your post touched me very much. I have felt many of the same things and have gone through many similar things as you in the past year myself, being diagnosed in March '11. I was active in many sports my entire life, especially competitive horseback riding..and that immediately changed. I had to sell all three of my horses- I couldn't work to take care of them. Friends were amazing in helping me move them for sale, but it was heart-wrenching. As silly as it sounds to many people, I still cry and have dreams about getting my favorite back. But they were my life for so long. I also had to give my dogs away as I went to live with my aunt straight out of the hospital, out of state. Thankfully, I was able to have a friend take my oldest dog for about six months, so I've actually been reunited with her. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her- she's pretty much the best part of my day. I can't walk her very much these days, but I love taking her to the dog park. But I know what it feels like to have everything be ok one day, and the next it's a disaster. I had been feeling bad for a while, but I also got Lyme, so it was all a little blurred together. But one day I was at work, and the next I was in the hospital, and three days later I was going into kidney failure. It is still very upsetting to think about what I used to be capable of and now I think about how I'm actually going to be needing a stool at work soon, because I won't be able to stand up for my whole shift. I'm totally embarassed. I haven't even turned 30 yet, and I feel like I'm 50. I feel like I aged those 20 yrs in just this year alone.
And this brings me to friends.... a lot of them surprised me, in good and bad ways. And honestly, so did family. Some of the people who came through for me the most were people I hadn't seen in years, like my father or friends from highschool. And some people were those that had been the ones I was in the most frequent contact with that I completely fell out with- my mother, riding friends. It was very interesting. But at the same time as lupus being beyond frustrating, it also gave me a new perspective on everything. I don't take things as seriously as I used to, I don't stay upset as long about things as I used to, things don't stress me as much- it's very odd actually...at a time when you would almost think the opposite, I'm actually feeling quite zen. :o)
And as for living to 60, we'll see. I think the first several months actually felt the longest. I spent my first month in the hospital. But things, as impossible as they can seem- did get better. I remember feeling quite down around my birthday last summer, and sobbing in the car after a dr's appt with my dad. I had just completely plateaued as far as recovering physically- I was still puffed from steroids, I couldn't walk well- I had a lot of pain in my legs (cymbalta worked miracles for!) and all over my back- from the moment I woke, up I was miserable, and basically wanted to cry. It was hot as hell, humid, I felt sick, achy, and looked bad- and now was beginning to get depressed. I felt like this would never pass, and - what was the point?? What is the purpose of going through all of this, for something so meaningless? (ok a little melodramatic...but still..). I wasn't working, nor could I for several more months, I was living rent-free with my aunt for more than six mo, and my father helped me out significantly without which I would not have had many things. I certainly appreciate feeling like a burden, a Debbie Downer- and apologizing...a lot. I still always seem to do that. It's like when someone asks me how I've been- I'm like, ok- should I be truthful?....or PG-it for them. When I finally have become more comfortable at work telling people about it, now that more people have gotten to know me for me- and I slip in the lupus part- they get a bit of a glazed, far off look on their face. "oh..". Sorrrry! Didn't mean to burst YOUR bubble. lol.
So- I hope by me sharing a bit of my experience in return, you feel a bit better about your own. I haven't shared so much on here before, but like I said, I felt like we shared some similar things in our stories. I know it won't "fix" it, but know you're not alone.