I Know a lot of you have gone through this but want/need to vent.
I was married to my first husband for 21 years, he was abusive in every sense of the word. I finally got out of it and pronised I would never get in another one. But I guess I did it again.
He's not physically abusive but he is getting emotionally abusive. It took me nearly 9 years for me to get to the point I thought if he started any bullcrap I could handle it. I went through a lot of therapy to spot certain behaviors and avoid them. The ol goat as I call him displayed a few but to me they weren't bad.
But yep a year after I married him they are really coming out.
He basically has me where he wants me and knows it. I have no job, havnt had 1 in 2 years. In the last 2 years between my Lupus diagnosis and everything else I have I physically cannot work.
2 years ago the drs started telling me I needed to apply for disability but he didn't want me to. He didn't think I was that bad. We will be married a full year memorial weekend in May. When we got married I went out on the truck with him and I was miserable to the point I went to a dr out on the road and the dr told him to get me home ASAP. He managed to get me home within the week and I havnt been on the truck since.
He has been pressuring me to get back on the truck and i've been resisting. I just got out of the hospital a couple months ago after having a Lupus flare and needing a blood transusion. I still feel like crap and i'm in a lot of pain. I understand he misses me and he's lonely, I understand that. But we are on the phone several and I mean several times a day. Sometimes for up to an hour at a time. The drs have even told him that I shouldn't be on the truck becasue it will make me worse. He just tells me that they don't know everything.
He has gotten to the point of telling me that when he comes in the first of May he wants me to go out on the truck with him and if I don't he has threatened divorce. Then to top it all off he dosen't like it when I get my hair cut. He has even forbid me to cut it.
Yep, well, the way I see it it, it's my hair not his and so I went and got it cut short again because it hurts my shoulders to the point they go numb and get so weak I can't use them for several minutes up to an hour. With my hair short I can wash my hair in seconds before that happens. Well I been putting it off for a few days because I knew what the outcome would be. I finally told him today and what happened is what I knew would happen. He got angry and started telling me he couldn't trust me, that I will not listen to him, I don't love him, blah blah blah. Man, he sounds so much like my ex. He hung up and now he's giving me the silent treatment again which will be for a couple of days.
I know the way this works, he won't talk to me until I call and aplogise and admit I was at fault and he was right, blah blah blah. He has also threatened that if I don't come on the truck with him he'll find someone who will, i'm about to the point of telling him to go ahead. I hate to say i've putting up with him for 10 years and i've caught myself falling into the same old pattern I did with my first husband. I've caught myself appoligizing for everything that's wrong, anything that happens.
He knows I have no money, no place to go if he does leave and he knows I cannot pysically work, so he thinks he has me. I finally applied for my disability but I know that I have at least 3 years and 2 denials coming before I even have a chance of getting it. But I have been told what my monthly check will be if I get approved and I can handle the household bills by myself without him.
Part of me loves him but yet at the same time I know this wont get any better because he will refuse marriage therapy, been there done that and he's already said no. He has told me things would be better but I just gotta listen to him, not raise my voice and basically dress the way he wants me to, which so far i've resisted. I'm 49 and he wants me to dress like a 20 year old in tight clothes. So far i've told him to jump in the lake. No way in hell am I gonna make myself any more miserable than I am.
I'm setting here so pissed at myself. I seen the signs and I did it anyway. In the last 10 years he asked me to give so many things up. I gave up several jobs because he asked me to, knowing it would hurt my job history. I sold a house and used the money to pay off a lot of his dr bills. I had money in a savings account that he talked me into using for his bills. He talked me into buying a truck and going owner operator telling me he would help with the tax payments and I believed him. I now owe over 20 thousand to the IRS. And so far any money that is made goes to pay off his taxes that he owes. I actually pay a little on my taxes if we have a little left over that I have told him goes for groceries.
My grown son has moved in and he pays for groceries and a couple of household bills. Don't you know that pisses him off. He wants him out. The only problem is my son works for Burger King. He's lucky if he brings home 300 every 2 weeks. He couldn't afford to live on his own. He cant get government help because he make 20 darn bucks more than they allow. I'm not throwing my son into the street. If it hadn't been for him I don't know how I would have been able to get through this last year. What do I have now?
A 1998 GMC suburban and a house I live in that my mom owns, it's in her name. I am paying her the house payment which thankfully is only $133 a month. It will be payed off in June of 2017, and he wants me to give it up and move into a house of HIS choosing. The only problem with that is the rent around here is 700 a month at least and that's for a 1 bedroom. We can barely afford the 133 a month now. Oh, and he wants me to move back to south texas where his kids are. I have no family down there. I lived down there for 2 years and his family basically ignored me. He didn't have to put up with them since he was gone 6 to 8 weeks at a time and he'd came home for a week.
He has me under a lot of stress and as we all know stress makes Lupus worse. I promised myself this is the last time. I've had enough of men. If I can get my disability I won't need a man. Hell, i'm basically a hermit now, I stay inside and the only time I go outside is when I need to see the dr. Wheeewwwwhhh.
If you managed to read all this thank you for reading and listening.
I actually feel a lot better. I think I needed to write that out. Now i'm gonna go lay down and cry for awhile.