Relationship Maybe going Bust

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 4/16/2013 9:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I Know a lot of you have gone through this but want/need to vent.
I was married to my first husband for 21 years, he was abusive in every sense of the word. I finally got out of it and pronised I would never get in another one. But I guess I did it again.
He's not physically abusive but he is getting emotionally abusive. It took me nearly 9 years for me to get to the point I thought if he started any bullcrap I could handle it. I went through a lot of therapy to spot certain behaviors and avoid them. The ol goat as I call him displayed a few but to me they weren't bad.
But yep a year after I married him they are really coming out.
He basically has me where he wants me and knows it. I have no job, havnt had 1 in 2 years. In the last 2 years between my Lupus diagnosis and everything else I have I physically cannot work.
2 years ago the drs started telling me I needed to apply for disability but he didn't want me to. He didn't think I was that bad. We will be married a full year memorial weekend in May. When we got married I went out on the truck with him and I was miserable to the point I went to a dr out on the road and the dr told him to get me home ASAP. He managed to get me home within the week and I havnt been on the truck since.
He has been pressuring me to get back on the truck and i've been resisting. I just got out of the hospital a couple months ago after having a Lupus flare and needing a blood transusion. I still feel like crap and i'm in a lot of pain. I understand he misses me and he's lonely, I understand that. But we are on the phone several and I mean several times a day. Sometimes for up to an hour at a time. The drs have even told him that I shouldn't be on the truck becasue it will make me worse. He just tells me that they don't know everything.
He has gotten to the point of telling me that when he comes in the first of May he wants me to go out on the truck with him and if I don't he has threatened divorce.  Then to top it all off he dosen't like it when I get my hair cut. He has even forbid me to cut it.
Yep, well, the way I see it it, it's my hair not his and so I went and got it cut short again because it hurts my shoulders to the point they go numb and get so weak I can't use them for several minutes up to an hour. With my hair short I can wash my hair in seconds before that happens. Well I been putting it off for a few days because I knew what the outcome would be. I finally told him today and what happened is what I knew would happen. He got angry and started telling me he couldn't trust me, that I will not listen to him, I don't love him, blah blah blah. Man, he sounds so much like my ex. He hung up and now he's giving me the silent treatment again which will be for a couple of days.
I know the way this works, he won't talk to me until I call and aplogise and admit I was at fault and he was right, blah blah blah. He has also threatened that if I don't come on the truck with him he'll find someone who will, i'm about to the point of telling him to go ahead. I hate to say i've putting up with him for 10 years and i've caught myself falling into the same old pattern I did with my first husband. I've caught myself appoligizing for everything that's wrong, anything that happens.
He knows I have no money, no place to go if he does leave and he knows I cannot pysically work, so he thinks he has me. I finally applied for my disability but I know that I have at least 3 years and 2 denials coming before I even have a chance of getting it. But I have been told what my monthly check will be if I get approved and I can handle the household bills by myself without him.
Part of me loves him but yet at the same time I know this wont get any better because he will refuse marriage therapy, been there done that and he's already said no. He has told me things would be better but I just gotta listen to him, not raise my voice and basically dress the way he wants me to, which so far i've resisted. I'm 49 and he wants me to dress like a 20 year old in tight clothes. So far i've told him to jump in the lake. No way in hell am I gonna make myself any more miserable than I am.
I'm setting here so pissed at myself. I seen the signs and I did it anyway. In the last 10 years he asked me to give so many things up. I gave up several jobs because he asked me to, knowing it would hurt my job history. I sold a house and used the money to pay off a lot of his dr bills. I had money in a savings account that he talked me into using for his bills. He talked me into buying a truck and going owner operator telling me he would help with the tax payments and I believed him. I now owe over 20 thousand to the IRS. And so far any money that is made goes to pay off his taxes that he owes. I actually pay a little on my taxes if we have a little left over that I have told him goes for groceries.
My grown son has moved in and he pays for groceries and a couple of household bills. Don't you know that pisses him off. He wants him out. The only problem is my son works for Burger King. He's lucky if he brings home 300 every 2 weeks. He couldn't afford to live on his own. He cant get government help because he make 20 darn bucks more than they allow. I'm not throwing my son into the street. If it hadn't been for him I don't know how I would have been able to get through this last year. What do I have now?
A 1998 GMC suburban and a house I live in that my mom owns, it's in her name. I am paying her the house payment which thankfully is only $133 a month. It will be payed off in June of 2017, and he wants me to give it up and move into a house of HIS choosing. The only problem with that is the rent around here is 700 a month at least and that's for a 1 bedroom. We can barely afford the 133 a month now. Oh, and he wants me to move back to south texas where his kids are. I have no family down there. I lived down there for 2 years and his family basically ignored me. He didn't have to put up with them since he was gone 6 to 8 weeks at a time and he'd came home for a week.
He has me under a lot of stress and as we all know stress makes Lupus worse. I promised myself this is the last time. I've had enough of men. If I can get my disability I won't need a man. Hell, i'm basically a hermit now, I stay inside and the only time I go outside is when I need to see the dr. Wheeewwwwhhh.
If you managed to read all this thank you for reading and listening.
I actually feel a lot better. I think I needed to write that out. Now i'm gonna go lay down and cry for awhile.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 7723
   Posted 4/16/2013 10:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm glad you got that all out. It sounds like you are beginning to get some clarity and take control of your own life. If someone or some situation makes your illness worse it certainly doesn't seem worthwhile to continue without something changing.

Let us know how you're doing with this.
Lynnwood, Lupus & Sjogren's Moderator
"Life is far too important to be taken seriously" - Oscar Wilde

Elite Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 14475
   Posted 4/16/2013 11:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Your son might not be able to get financial help but you can if you leave that jerk.
Don't get rid of the house. You've got it made there.
Keep son there and kick the jerk to the side of the road.
It sounds like he smooth talked you until he trapped you in a corner. Time to grow some claws and fight back.
Find a lawyer who will help you with the divorce and disability filing. I maybe wrong but I believe your husband will be responsible for the taxes. The lawyer could answer that.
Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Glaucoma, Asthma, Hypothyriodism, Sleep Apnea, Degenerative Disk and Facet Disease, and Allergies

When life throws you lemons....
Pick them up and throw them right back at them! :))

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1650
   Posted 4/18/2013 12:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Txplowgirl. I'm sorry to hear of your problems. May is coming right up. You need to get busy so you can leave this vision of hell.  I was married twice (7 years, 3 years). I'm now 55 years old and have lived with my boyfriend 10 years. I'll never marry again, but he's absolutely wonderful. Even if you never find another partner, you must get away from this man who is basically demanding you work with him, wants to take your home (yeah, if you leave he will demand the proceeds of the sale if possible) plus he has absolutely no sympathy for you condition. My partner often does sweet things for me. No one deserves any abuse.
In 2008 I had to quit work. but before I did I asked every physician I had seen while both trying to get a diagnosis and then treatment for copies of all my records. States set the rate that each page will cost. You will then need to make a copy for either your lawyer or Social Security. I filed directly with the Social Security office using their online application for disability, but I must admit it's lots of work and I'm pretty good at such things. Regardless, read the application and get ALL your records. The more you can do, the faster your disability will be approved. Do as much as you can without the son of a dog knowing. Tell your son everything you're doing so he will not tell hubby dearest. If your son can help you make copies, that's great. By the way, I had records from 13 physicians and going to Kinkos to make two copies (in case one copy was lost) cost me about $85.  I don't know about food stamps and assistance, but I think once you file for divorce you will qualify. Notice I said, once you file, not when the divorce is final.
If hubby dearest agrees not to fight you (remember you are the one taking on the hardship here) and you've already started Social Security going and found a lawyer for the divorce and/or disability things will seem much better. If the son of a dog fights, you can still file for divorce and disability while you hunker down for his fury. Also, if you need to, you can get a restraining order against him from the police so he can't call you or come to your house. Best of luck Sweetie. Love, Butterflake

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2012
Total Posts : 269
   Posted 4/19/2013 7:46 PM (GMT -6)   

I agree you will be better off without him.

Only thing is, and check this out, I think if you get disability they will take what you owe in taxes out of it.

Post lymphoma, Spleenectomy, Lupus, Sjorgrens, RA, Anti-phosphoid syndrome, Fibromyalgia, GERD, short bowel syndrome, scolisis, arthritis of spine, spondylosis, splondylesis, DDD,DJD

Faith in God, the love of my family and a good attitude keeps me going.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1650
   Posted 4/19/2013 10:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Txplowgirl. I also filed for bankruptcy which was a great help. Love, Butterflake

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 4/20/2013 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks everyone for the replies.

As far as the IRS taxes are concerned. hese happened before I married so even if we divorced I am still responsible for paying them. I have filed for disability so just waiting on that and since I have a monthly installment plan for the IRS taxes I owe they will not garnish them.

Looking into bankruptsy and found out I can not file my IRS taxes in that so bummer.
I have found a lot of clarity and I was recommended a book that has helped me finally see the light. If you are in an abusive relationship it can help a great deal. it's called "Why Does He do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
It's slow goin and I am working towards bigger and better things.
I have always said that if this marriage ended by divorce or natural causes I would never get married again. This just makes that even thought even stronger.

I'm feeling better today
Lupus, Connective Tissue Disease, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Anemia, Bulging Discs, Pinched Nerves, Athralgia, Degenerative Disc Disease, Celiac Disease, Endometriosis, Rhynauds Syndrome and last but not least at the moment, Erosive Gastritis
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