Joy: That's a really good idea, getting a caretaker. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. I guess because I thought caretakers were for senior citizens, totally disabled people or people who are passing away...like I thought you had to be real real sick to get help from a caretaker, or un able to care for yourself. I see what your saying about my sister, I agree with all of you on here about her. My husband has told me several times I shouldn't let her use me like that or give her so much help when she's not there for me. I don't know what it is that I can't step away...I guess because her, my niece & nephew are all my blood family that I have. There's my brother & grandma too (which reminds me, I haven't called her in a while. I should give her a call...I don't know if I want to tell her how my health is though because I just don't want her to worry. I'll let her know once I know for sure of everything.) about the depression and commiting myself, I just can't do that, I've done that so many times before and every time was treated like I was just some nobody lab rat. Pumped me full of too many anti depressants. I can't take anti depressants, I've tried every anti depressant out there and they made me more depressed, in fact I was fine until my dr put me on an anti depressant. I appreciate your in put though.
Jan: I have tried cymbalta, it was a disaster for me. :/ the only anti depressant I ever felt like really helped is Celexa, but it stopped working not only that but it just turned my brain into mush. I would do weird things in my sleep too, I'd wake up and find myslef sitting up combing my hair with my fingers in front of my face. Another time I woke up and found an empty bottle of my tranquilizer medication half empty and my water bottle open...I ended up accidentally over dosing. That wasn't on Celexa but Wellbutrin which is the one that got my depression started. I do have pretty much a whole script of Celexa my dr wanted to put me on an anti depressant to deal with separation anxiety but it made me depressed too because I was given it when I wasn't depressed. I hate this depressed feeling though because now I feel like I could get use out of an anti depressant but I'm afraid it will make things worse because I hadn't had self harm thoughts in a long time, it's been years then all of a sudden after being put on Welbutrin I got those thoughts. I have a feeling getting a caretaker might help my "end it all" feelings since I wont have to feel like someones problem anymore. Thank you for your input. :)
Diane: I agree & disagree with what your saying. I know, I really do need to get away from my sister. Her & I go back & fourth. I'm so desparate to have a relationship with her since I don't have many blood family at all. Well, then again I just don't have much family. I do, but I don't. I use to have my foster mom & foster dad, back when I was little my foster grandma was so nice, there's my foster brother, uncles, cousins. Now there's a couple uncles left, some passed away (of course my closest ones) and some just didn't see me as family anymore after my grandma sent me to go live with my sister at 15 1/2 (which she let her husband kick me out maybe a year later, didn't contact my social worker either. Put me on a bus, sent me to my blood grandma who sent me with my blood aunt then I had to make living arrangements from there. Great summer though, at 16, no adults in charge of me staying a couple weeks here then travel elsewhere....anyways getting off topic, I tend to do that.) A lot, no majority if not all of my cousins stopped seeing me as family too. My brother & I just started talking again in Jan after years and years of no communication because loosing our mom hit him hard, hit us both hard. My grandma & I talk here & there. The other family I have is my husbands side. Another reason why I stay close with my sister is for my nephew. That poor kid is in such a horribly hostile enviroment....her and her husband fight oh I'd say 23-25 days out of the month, sadly I'm not exagerating. They don't always just have verbal fights either & my nephew hates it. Plus my sister & her husband take their anger out on him, not hitting him....gosh I hope not....but they're not nice to him. My niece and I are all he's really got for support, comfort and possibly a safety net. He doesn't open up to anyone so the fact that he's always wanting to spend time together, skyping, venting to me, I really want to keep close with them for his sake too. I know he's not my problem but I just couldn't leave him. He's only 14 he has felt so isolated & troubled probably since he was 11, I think that's around the time he would come to me for support. I've lived with them off and on & when I had lived with them whenever they would start in on their daily routine of fighting he'd come to my room & ask if I'd go with him on a walk somewhere other than there. I don't think you were necessarily saying to get away from my husband but if you were then I will have to politely disagree there. He's been the most supportive guy I have been with. He knows everything about me, every horrifying detail of my life story. No he doesn't show emotional feelings much or well, but there are times he will listen to me breakdown and try helping me pick myself back up off the floor. (figuratively speaking). He has stayed with my mental outbursts/breakdowns, my relapses, my constant irritated, down right angry moods, has tried understanding my health. Yeah, he's got some rough edges to him but what guy doesn't, no ones perfect. His family, well it's been an interesting relationship journey with them. First his parents seemed fine with me then things went real sour then things got good then great all the way up until I started having to go to the dr all the time. His mom is way more understandings & tries not taking it out on me, shes even told me that just because she is upset with my dr's and having to go to another, unexpected apt that day, didn't at all mean she was upset with me, she said she knew it wasn't my fault and that shes sure I am frustrated with everything too. She told me she doesn't expect me to keep the kitchen clean or keep up with house chores especially if I'm feeling really bad/sick. Now, although I do want to keep close with his parents, closer to his mom than his dad but that's how it's always kind of been. She's just more understanding, less strict doesn't have moods where shes mean to everyone in the house. I do still feel my husband and I need to get out of here. We live about an hour from San Fransisco & that is where our hearts are at. Problem is we just don't have the money. It's so hard to save money. Bills, necessaties, food, pet care, medical bills, prescriptions-some very expensive ones too, one of my medications is $240 luckily my insurance covers $200 of it. I'm not even sure how much these specialists are going to be & my insurance deductable starts over on April 1st...I was told it started over in January....now that I've got my specialist in order and tests coming up and surgery needed I'm going to be back down to my deductable being at $0 ballance and I can't get much help from the insurance until the $300 deductable has been met again. ~Sigh~ There is still more I would like to add but my brain is in a fog, could be meds, could be from being tired & it's the end of my day finally.
To all of you & whoever else is reading. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate all your kind supporting words. So sorry I type way way too much, once I get started it's like I just can't help myself. On a happy note: it's my husbands weekend and for once in the last I think 3 weekends in a row (this is the fourth) we finally get to utilize this time to sleep in, which is much needed for me. There's no dr's apts to get up for, no where we need to go, it'll be nice. Thank you all for reading my long long messages, thank you for your replies and thank you to the future replies. You all are such great deserving people. <3
Sending Healing hugs, love & prayers your way.