Posted 4/17/2007 6:50 PM (GMT -6)
(((((Carol))))) I hope today is a blessed day for you. I'm so sorry for your loss and understand your loneliness and other feelings. I used to have a horse farm and worked a very exciting and stressful job, and some days its a struggle to make it from bed into the armchair. The local ministers and do gooders come by to try to drag me to church and chastise me for sitting in a chair, but everytime I go to church I end up sick with a cold and so I watch church on tv. I haven't seen my oldest son in years, he lives far away and my youngest is flying the coop and when he's gone with friends for weeks at a time, I fear that I will lose him too. For a while, I was alone and really sick and it was very difficult to find a reason to keep on. It sounds stupid, but I have a little chihuahua mutt who's really helped me alot. She's low maintenance and just keeps me company. It was cool what you said about going barefoot in the grass, I love doing that and I still go out barefoot when I feel well enough. I try to sit outside, even if it's at night looking at the stars. Just being outside can be good. I live in a very poor part of the us and that's how I manage. Alot of people here are in our same boat, so we are "middle class". I hope that you can go outside a little like you used to. I think that is important. I watch the birds at the feeder through my window but its not the same as going outside. Sometimes I go outside in my nightgown (so do my neighbors!) we live in the country. I've really gotten into watching the birds and got a guide and binoculars and watch them through my window at the feeder. As you can see, I don't have much of a life, I was a club hopper and traveller, very busy professional, but my health took me down a few pegs. I've started writing and found that is good, and painting, living a life of leisure, so to speak. I understand your anger, and your heartbreak, and sometimes I think we all wish we could just wake up to find this was all a dream and everything was back the way it should be, with the ones we love, that we have another chance. Who knows, maybe someday we will. Maybe that's what heaven is, waking up. Please know you are loved and you do have friends here and I know from my experience that there are always people here to talk to and who will listen and understand. I hope you can go outside and feel the ground beneath your feet. This is very iimportant to you, I think, as it is to me. I just don't feel right without that. My sister said its a spiritual thing that nurtures me. For me, that is how I feel in contact with God, how I feel in touch with my ancestors and myself. I hope you had a good day today, and if there are stars you can watch them even if you can't go out during the day, you can go out at night. I hope you have a nice, peaceful night and I hope all goes well and better and better for you and I hope you can go outside and enjoy your yard.

"...brain, what is brain?"
--Kara, one of the "givers of pain and delight", aka woman of Sigma Draconis VI, "Spock's Brain" episode 56 season 3 of Star Trek--I'm not a trekkie but this one was funny!

Posted 4/17/2007 9:29 PM (GMT -6)
Do not feel sorry! It is very natural for a wife to mourn for her husband, even though it's been passed seven years. After all, he is your loved one. It's okay to be angry. You are a very very sweet woman and I do feel your sincere care.
Sometimes we don't quite understand why we all need to face those seem-to-be unending troubles/distresses. It is defintely quite difficult to face those, but I do know and believe that in the midst of our physical/emotional/spiritual pains, God is here for us and with us.
We are all here to support one another. Sometimes you provide support to others, and sometimes we provide support for you. This is one good thing about this forum (LOL).

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