Posted 7/9/2007 9:55 AM (GMT -6)
This is such a frustrating issue, and it must really have struck a cord with me because I feel compelled to write again.

After my sons had had a couple of bikes stolen, I still used to have to nag them to put them in the garage. When I finally had had it with one of them, I asked a neighbor if I could hide his coveted bike in her garage. My son was devastated when he thought it had been stolen. After a couple of days I told him what I had done, and guess what, he never left it out again. And Des, he was probably about 13. Their minds are elsewhere at that hormonally charged age, which makes it to hard to teach them things. I'll bet after you son's backpack and other treasures disappeared from around the house a couple of times you'd never have to talk to him about it again. The only time I ever grounded that son was after he had continued to do something that drove me crazy. When I told him he was going to be grounded, his eyes got huge because I'd never grounded him before, and he asked me for how long. I told him it was up to him, and when he said , "uh, a month?" I just looked at him, and said "no, until we get home in 20 minutes." From then on he was much more respectful to my few demands on him.

What you've done about the dishes is so smart Des. Husbands can be taught, but it's a challenge.

As I've said at least a thousand times, my heart breaks for those of you are sick during your childraising years. I honestly don't know how you survive. As it is, I feel so guilty for not being a bigger part of my adult children's lives and it has been causing a bout of depression in me for the past few days. Then I wonder how I can possibly feel sorry for myself when I can rest whenever I want, go to bed whenever I want, clear my calendar for however long I want, not cook unless I want to. My granddaughters come over when I feel up to it, plus every Tuesday night. It's only one night a week so I really look forward to it and can plan ahead and be rested before that day comes. If I feel good enough, they stay the night and I hang out with them the next day. But the guilt I would feel if I were raising them would be so hard to deal with. I really commend all of you who do it day in and day out with no relief. I was healthy when my children were little and still, I was tired all the time.

I know in my heart that chronically ill women who raise children are just another of God's little angels on earth. Some day when your kids are grown and raising their own busy families, they will look back and wonder how you did it. And it's then that they will really begin to appreciate how much love you had for them.

I've never given the spoon theory to my children, but you've inspired me to send it to them today. Maybe then I'll feel better. I hope you, Kari and Des, and all the rest of you have a better day today. I love all of you.

Pat
Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogren's, osteoarthritis, fibro, ibs, renauds, restless leg, hiatal hernia, double vision.

cellcept 1,000mg, neurontin 1,200 mg, prednisone 5mg, plaquenil 400mg, synthroid .15mg, triamterene 37.5mg, tramadol prn, lunesta 6 mg, actonel, tri-est (compounded estrogen) 7.5 mg 2xmultivitamin, calcium w vit D, fish oil, aspirin

Posted 7/9/2007 11:16 AM (GMT -6)
I go on strike. I figure enventually they will get hungry, need a dish, need clothes, something. When they whine, I explain that I will contribute when they contribute. Tell them the terms and explain that although they are very special to me, they are just as capable and should be just as responsible. If they claim ignorance, I teach them how to do things. Unfortunately, this means things won't be perfect or run smoothly for a while. In the long run it is better for everyone that the duties are shared. Besides, I worry about how they will live if I am not around to take care of them otherwise.

It is funny how much people will put off on you, if you let them. They also don't like losing a maid or cook and will do almost anything to keep the status quo. I.e. you do all the work and they sit on their butts. It is just easier that way.

At first, I explained, tried to show articles to them, whatever I could think of to be polite and still get the message across. However their receivers were down and I wasn't getting through. So I cut the lines altogether. I suppose there are better ways to get your point across. But some people are more hard-headed and need to learn through consequences. I have to say, protesting can be tough but worth it. It is kind of a liberating but chaotic experience - like a "who can be the most stubborn" contest. They don't seem to mess with mom too much any more - and everyone survived. I win.

Luckily for me, they weren't evil just lazy. Otherwise I would have had to bolt out of there. I hope you find the right solution for you and your family. Try and see the humor in it and put your foot down, even if you are in the middle of pulling your hair out and depleted of energy. The way I see it, there will be aggravation and energy lost either way. Goal is for everyone to live through it. Good luck! - Kristin
 
  Dx:  Lupus CNS 11/2005; Current - kidney disease, enlarged heart, MVP/regurg, dementia; GERD; vision loss, narcolepsy, rheumatic arthritis, IBS, ovarian cysts, raynauds, EBV/CFS, inflam. liver/spleen. Rx:  Atenolol, Aricept, Flexeril, Motrin  Previous-rashes, hemi-pelagic migraine, sensory loss, amnesia, PTSD/Dep., host of neuro problems, pregnancy compl., False pos. syphilis, fine speck & homogen ANA; IgM; staph/strept infections, colonitis, pancreaitis, gastritis, costochondritis, pericarditis, Hashimoto's, dyspnea, hyper/hypotension, lipedemia, ulcers, pneumonia, anemia, Scleroderma symptoms, vein swelling, etc.  
 
 

Posted 7/9/2007 12:32 PM (GMT -6)
Kristin,

Your idea of going on a strike and using humor is Great. When my granddaughters are here and get out of the shower and drop their clothes and wet towels on the floor, I call out, "maaaaaid, maaaaid, come pick up these clothes." Then I ask them where she is. They just laugh at me and pick up their things.

I'll bet you have good luck with your family. I agree that they aren't evil, but just lazy. My teenage daughter is kind of spoiled in some ways and I know it isn't her fault, but mine.
Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogren's, osteoarthritis, fibro, ibs, renauds, restless leg, hiatal hernia, double vision.

cellcept 1,000mg, neurontin 1,200 mg, prednisone 5mg, plaquenil 400mg, synthroid .15mg, triamterene 37.5mg, tramadol prn, lunesta 6 mg, actonel, tri-est (compounded estrogen) 7.5 mg 2xmultivitamin, calcium w vit D, fish oil, aspirin

Posted 7/9/2007 2:01 PM (GMT -6)
I know how you feel.  It can be frustrating.  My H will clean up the dishes because I do the cooking.  Other than that, unless I am more than half dead, I have to do everything by myself.  I just do it when I feel good doing them.  I think going on strike is a good idea.  You can just cook for yourself and clean up your own dishes.  If you can stand it, just let their dishes pile up and see what happens. 
Posted 7/9/2007 3:59 PM (GMT -6)
Hi Kristin, I live by myself so I really don't have anything to add. I get mad at myself when the dishes pile up but if I don't do em oh well. All I wanted to say is I think that is awesome that you have a book coming out. So what is it? fact/fiction? is this your first book? Where are they selling? I think it would be cool to have an autograph book and be able to say I knew her when she had to wash her own dishes! LOL I hope you took that in the spirit it was given. I have a sick sense of humor somtimes.
I hope you can get some much needed rest. and you know what. If things don't get done around the house oh well. Let them rot I say! this is your big day coming up. Don't sweat the small stuff it will get done. You take care of you and enjoy your success!

God Bless
carol
God Bless
Carol
Lupus, possible Crest, COPD, Cervical Cancer survivor. Osteoporosis
Prednisone 5mg, Plaquanil 800mg,Evista60mg, Effexor 150mg, HCTZ25/Triamterene37.5mg,Xanax.5mg
 
When things are really dark look up. You can see the stars.
 
 
 

Posted 7/9/2007 11:44 PM (GMT -6)
You guys are the best! Thanks so much for all the helpful feedback. I'd totally forgotten about the spoon theory. I read it to my husband and it's like something clicked with him. Yay!

Now, let's just hope it lasts. And if not, I'm going on strike! LOL
Kari
Wife, writer, artist, mom to 2 wonderful boys
Lupus, arthritis, PCOS, mild depression
Now taking: plaquenil, limbrel, metformin XR, Zoloft, and the occasional percoset

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