Hey Marji: Checking in on you. It took a long time for me to realize that people don't like change, they like the familiar no matter how inefficient and costly it is. They see it as more work, not less. Most people don't see the forest just a tree or two. I fought with all my teachers growing up, especially math and science. I could never understand why, even though my theories were correct and more efficient, they would go right back to the book. I was told to just go with the class and worry about the rest in college. College was no different, I had to wait for my masters. At work, employers loved it when I saved them money but not when I tried to change policy. Computers and law seemed to be a better placement for me. The possibilities seemed endless and I could almost relate to people. Well not all attorneys. Not fond of large egos. But the Silcone Valley guys were the best. Miss the computer engineering days.
Speaking of inefficient. You and I sound like we are wasting our talents. Another thing I learned is that not only do we judge our environment harshly but ourselves. Most people don't even recognize our weaknesses because we are considered "normal" now. We are the only ones who realize this because we know the difference. I bet those books you wrote are still masterpieces. What are you afraid of? Rejection or Acceptance? Me, I am more afraid of not knowing. Jump, girl, jump. Work out the bugs later. Pack em up, close your eyes and just send them.
Not that I should say much, I am a walking hypocrisy. I am not a model of efficiency and making the best use of my talents these days. Just can't seem to get out of my own way anymore. Maybe it is my form of having a temper tantrum. The world is not working the way I want it to, much less in my favor. I figure I will spend at least another 10 years or so bawing about this before I get sick of myself and get on with it. Now how is that for waste? Not proud of it, but it is like I'm waiting for something to click on inside of me. The green light. I feel as though I have been conditioned to red lights and some yellow. I just start to go and get knocked down over and over. Sometimes I never make it out of the gate. Some how I need to get past this. I am smart, I should see beyond it. I am strong, I should be able to defeat it. I am fast, I should be able to out run it. What am I missing here? It is SOooooo Frustrating. How and when did I get so afraid of my own shadow?
I read the posts. Look at how talented everyone is. Amazing. I am not alone. But now what do we do?
Sorry for my jibber jabber. I really feel strongly about you sending your work in to someone who may read it. Sometimes I just get a gut feeling abouth things. This is one of them. Good news, I haven't been wrong yet. I just gotta get use to listening to myself. I read my poetry and theories and think others won't get it or will think I am wierd so I am timid about the whole thing. Always a shock to hear others say that they love it and understand. Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit and sometimes there are parts of us we just aren't ready to share with the world. I know that if someone attacked my poetry or thoughts that it is an attack that would deeply wound me. I generally don't open myself up that way. I am just starting to let others "in" and have more confidence with the "inner" regions of my being.
It has been attacked. But I don't buckle down and cower anymore. I made a new rule. It isn't acceptable if they attack me or have their opinions shoved at me, however it is acceptable for them to have their own opinions and relay their own experiences. It is a matter of respect. If someone doesn't value or respect me, I make it known that their opinions have no value or meaning to me.
I hope some of this makes sense. My head is spinning badly the last two days. Can't hold thoughts too well. Either way, please know I wish you well and want to see you gather well deserved strength during this hard time. It is just that, a hard time. I am getting it from all sides too. It is very difficult to remain strong during these times. But they go away. We learn. Things change. Love ya - HUGS & prayers - Kristin
Dx: Lupus CNS 11/2005; Current - kidney disease, enlarged heart, MVP/regurg, dementia; GERD; vision loss, narcolepsy, rheumatic arthritis, IBS, ovarian cysts, raynauds, EBV/CFS, inflam. liver/spleen. Rx: Atenolol, Aricept, Flexeril, Motrin Previous-rashes, hemi-pelagic migraine, sensory loss, amnesia, PTSD/Dep., host of neuro problems, pregnancy compl., False pos. syphilis, fine speck & homogen ANA; IgM; staph/strept infections, colonitis, pancreaitis, gastritis, costochondritis, pericarditis, Hashimoto's, dyspnea, hyper/hypotension, lipedemia, ulcers, pneumonia, anemia, Scleroderma symptoms, vein swelling, etc.