sharen, hippimom and melissa,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me. I've been really depressed the last few days and you caring enough to write me back does help me very much.
The day I got my diagnosis (3 weeks ago), I already knew I had lupus, it was just getting a specialist to finally say it out loud. Funny thing was, as soon as he said it my mind started denying it. I thought maybe I convinced him I had it and it's not by the tests and the symptoms. How odd to think that after searching for so long for that diagnosis.
Do you ever go through one of those periods of time that you think if one more thing is dumped on me I am going to have a nervous breakdown? I cannot deal with anything else. I guess that is where I am at right now. Currently I'm in a bad flare that has lasted over a month. This is the longest I have ever had a flare. When you look at me you can see something is wrong, that I am not healthy. My ANA is very high (2,309) and has been consistently going up over the last three years; so it's obvious something is going on. Thank goodness the rheumy is trying to find out what is going on with me so he can help me. But that's not all that's going on, I'll really try and condense this because I'm sure it could sound trivial and boring to others.
I've never had children and after having a hysterectomy from cervical cancer last year, I'll never have children. I've lived through my sister and loved her children like they were my own. We became very, very close. In fact my oldest niece and I have been so close that she would come to me before anyone else when she's had a problem (and she's had quite a few). Over the last few years I've sent my nephew money so he wouldn't have to go to jail for a year. I've sent my oldest niece over $3,000 over the last 3 years to feed and diaper her children when her husband would take off and leave her with nothing. My youngest niece I offered her a place to live at half the cost it would for anyone else. My life stopped when she moved here, I was there every single time she needed me. My husband gave her husband a job, I bought her clothes when she was pregnant, I took her 2 older boys and bought them clothes, toys, gas scooters, ipods, you name it, we bought it for those boys. We even made a game room out of a rental house we own for them, with a pinball machine, air hockey, and video game. When her third boy was born, I was in the delivery room trying to pass a kidney stone but I stayed with her while she gave birth. I cut the cord. I was suppose to be there from the beginning of this little boys life and be a part of that babies life from day one. Six weeks after she gave birth she tried to kill herself. She managed to call me at 5am and I figured out what was going on and we called 911. Six weeks after she was released from a mental facility she tried killing herself again and nearly succeeded that time. After that attempt she told everyone she could that it was my fault and I was the reason she tried to kill herself; that I ruined her life. She never told me how I ruined her life. They've since moved out of state, her boys want nothing to do with me, she's poisoned their minds and they think that I am the reason their mother tried to kill herself. She's told her family that if they have anything to do with me she will cut them out of her life and her boys life. So now ... my sister, my niece, my nephew .... none of them will talk to me. They know "G" is sick but they have decided to cut me out of their live. So this is where I'm at right now. I have NO family. My parents passed some time ago, I have no aunts, uncles or grandparents. I have one sister, two nieces and a nephew who were a HUGE part of my life. I was their kids "Auntie". The Auntie who spoiled them. The Auntie who was always there. The Auntie they could ALWAYS count on. And now I'm the Auntie nobody wants anything to do with.
Oh, I know it sounds like I'm having my own little pity party here but I'm not. I'm just lost. Lost without my family who I thought loved me as much as I loved them. As God is my witness I have not left anything out to make me look good and them look bad.
I'm living in a small rural community with my husband of one year. I moved here almost 4 years ago from a suburb of Chicago. I have a few friends here but I really don't know more than a small handful of people that I could really say are "friends". When you don't get out much, it's hard to meet people. I'm going through this flare and I'm scared for what the future might hold with the lupus. I know it does no good to worry, and I'm not sitting here chewing my fingernails off worrying but I do have thoughts here and there about
the lupus and it frightens me what might lie ahead with it. (i.e. flares, organ involvement, pain etc.)
I don't know why I even
opened up and told you all this. I guess I'm telling you because I am so hurt by my family and I need help to move on.
Embarrassed and ashamed,
Post Edited By Moderator (Lynnwood) : 10/3/2007 6:27:42 PM (GMT-6)