Yes, I know how you feel. I often feel this way. I was an avid hiker, an actor, a theatre founder. My small company is completely dependent on me as is my wife(co-founder and business partner) and my 12 year old daughter. I have made the last 2 decades of my life about establishing and maintaining this theatre. To me, in a large way it is "me". And now I only go into work a couple of times a week. It is under great strain without me at the helm, great strain. Those who have been my allies in creating this theatre over the years may want me to step down. Or, I may not step down, and do it damage by continuing to keep a job that I no longer am able to effectively work. The whole enterprise may break, and all that my wife and I have worked on for all of our adult lives will be gone. So..... I know. I know. I know where you are coming from.
But here is what I will tell you: going on is worth it. It is worth it because life strives to live. The things inside you that are trying to defeat you MUST NOT get your permission to win. It is your body, your life, your time. You can get down. We all get down. I get down every day. You could as easily write this letter to me as I am writing it to you. And in a sense, I suppose I am writing it to me. But I am also writing it to us all because if there is one thing that this cruel illness has given me, it is a respect and a love for all who shoulder this burden. Every day is hard. It is hard. Those who don't have it will never know. And some of us have it much harder than others. But even the days of our pain are OUR days. OUR days, not lyme's days. And I know Lyme steals joy. I have always loved to read. I am surrounded by thousands of books in my house and I have not been able to read more than about 3 pages in a day in the last half year. That is hell. But I WILL read them. I WILL READ them again. And I will walk on my beloved mountains again. I WILL. This is my life. It is not Borrelia's life. IT IS MINE.
And yours is yours. It is natural to become tired and fearful. I am tired and fearful every day. But if you will help to pick me up when I am not as strong, then I will try to do the same for you. If you have had this much longer than me, will you show me how to keep going when I have had it as long as you? I will need that help when you can give it. These days are too long and too short for me. I want my life back when I am most tired of living like this. I need all of the help I can get. I think that we all do.
You will find comfort, I believe. You will find peace. And you will do it in your life. I am so glad that you were brave enough to tell others of your concerns. Often I think we keep these things to ourselves in the mistaken belief that this is bravery. This may be just an example of ourselves trying to hide our greater burdens even from ourselves. This is not bravery. But you have said what your concerns are. You have defined your fears. Now that you have defined them you can see what they are and work to not let them define you. You are not Lyme, friend whom I have never met. The person that you were is still in there. I promise. Will you assure me of this same thing when I need it? You will, I'm sure because you know what it means to love life. You would not have written such a heartfelt letter if you didn't love your life.
We all get the same thing: We get our lifetime. And that is all that we get. We must work to keep what is ours.
I will keep you close in my thoughts. Feel better. That will make me feel better.