Please hang in there. I am certain you are needed by many. That is the way I often feel -- I don't exactly want to die, I just don't want to be here or be me anymore. But I know how it would hurt my family and I know there is no one else who would care for my dogs like I do, and I know they are depressed when I have left them w/ a family member. They need me.
I was already prone to depression. It could possibly have stemmed from an old TBI, but I did have a very difficult marraige and divorce, etc. Still, I have never experienced depression like this, and the kind of depression that hit me 1-2 months after my last tick bite. At the time, I had no idea to connect it to a tick bite or a possible TBI. It was horrible. The mental and emotional pain was unbearable. I shared some w/ my daughter, begging for help, but there was no one else I could lean on -- it was SO bad, I couldn't let anyone else know how bad it was. I was even afraid to share w/ my psy. for fear he would hospitalize me.
The anxiety also was unbearable and I was having to take extra xanax for the physical pain the anxiety caused my body. My entire body, esp back and neck were so tight I could not relieve the pain. I was a disaster. I could hardly function, I felt like I couldn't do anything -- and all I wanted was to escape -- like you. I had to quit my job and I thought I was disabled. I thought it was xanax addiction, but my psy kept telling me I was fine to take extra.
Jendays, I don't know how to explain that nightmare, but maybe you understand because maybe you are experiencing the same. All along, I kept saying and believing that this was different from anything I'd ever experienced, because it felt so physical. That made it worse, because I didn't feel I could pull myself up, I couldn't struggle w/ improving my attitude. It felt like a big ugly rock thrown at me and I couldn't get up.
I tried a therapist for the anxiety because I couldn't take it anymore. Her first 'lesson' was learning to go to my 'happy place' when I had this unbearable anxiety. Well, any idiot could figure that out and there were no 'happy places' to go to, so I quit going to her.
The depression still occurs and it's very low and dark and I want to escape really bad. Same w/ the anxiety. But at least at those times, I know it will pass afterwhile, it usually does. Now I can tell how physical the anxiety is, because it comes on, yet is not connected to anything going on around me. (unless I'm trying to drive on the highway!).
I don't know how to help you with this, I just want to let you know you are not alone. I feel that the depression and anxiety are the worse symptoms in that they are physical barriers between you and your will to get up and battle the pain and other issues. They weaken your natural defenses to struggle to get well. How can you improve your attitude and immune system when you have a disease that is taking you down, mentally, emotionally, and physically?
Check w/ your Dr on the valium. Too much can cause depression, but you also need to be able to take something that helps you survive the anxiety. Also, are you sure you didn't mean .5 mg, not 5 mg? Have you tried taking a half pill at times?
At least w/ xanax, I know these are not doses too heavy. I often take just 1/2 pill to take an uncomfortable edge off. Yes, one always needs to take care to prevent addicition, but the drug does serve a purpose. It can get you thru otherwise impossible hours. Mainly, you don't want to take so much that your anxiety gets worse simply because you are addicted and your body wants more. Please talk to your Dr about
. Think of those you would be leaving behind if you left. I don't believe you would wish to cause anyone such anguish. Take care, Hang in there, you are not alone in this. This is NOT YOU. This is all part of your disease and it WILL get better.
PS: Any chance you are hypoglycemic? When your blood sugar is too low, it can cause feelings of anxiety -- palpitations, heart poundings, shakes, hot flashes, sweats, 'on the edge' feelings and feelings you would like to take someone's head off.