James, I am so sorry. I thought I had responded to your other post last nite, and this morning now that I cannot find it, I recall having problems getting it posted and so I gave it up for the nite.
I'm thankful so many people are reaching out to you right now. That is the Sign of all Signs.
As for suicidal thoughts w/ Lyme, I do feel like it is the disease itself causing this. When I first heard about Lyme and suicide, I believed it was from the depression that Lyme causes these thoughts/urges -- btw, the very throws in which you may very well be -- the Lyme induced depression, which was, at least for me, horrendous.
I have been on meds for depression for many years. And whenever I would enter treatment, I would get better and maintain very well on a fairly low dose of meds. Not so since a little over 2 yrs ago. The depression that hit me was the worst in my life and I could TELL that it was physically caused. I could NOT change my thinking, I could NOT find hope in anything. The worst of that has now improved (increased meds), but I am socked w/ a depression at least daily that comes out of nowhere, unless it's caused by something small someone has said.
** What I have experienced most recently is the point I really want to make. When the depression hits, thoughts of suicide start going thru my head. I already know down in my heart that at this time I am NOT suicidal. Even when these thoughts come into my mind, I have NO intention of doing this. I don't know how or why, but I believe this disease has this capability -- to bring these thoughts into your mind. Maybe it is because of the brain centers it has infected, I don't know.
I actually actively think I would like to commit suicide, when I actually know that I do not want to and that I won't. Maybe some believe it is the Devil trying to take hold of my mind, but I FEEL like it is something that something in my body is causing, and it is not my SELF or my SOUL or my SPIRIT. It is a thought that did not come from me!
PLEASE take heart that there are many many people here who have felt and are feeling what you feel. That is important. Please understand that you must not act on thoughts and feelings that are created by an illness/infection/bacteria, whatever it is. These thoughts are not you -- they are a disease talking!!
James, PLEASE understand that taking your life may very well feel like the easiest way out for you right now. Please follow thru w/ those thoughts and realize that it really isn't. You still have too much left undone here now. You have a family. You have family and friends who would be devastated the rest of their lives if you were to leave this way now.
James, Please start following up w/ whatever tests are necessary to reach a diagnosis that you know in your gut is correct. I do not mean the 'gut feeling' that you have about HIV. (unless perhaps you know that your partner actually has this disease) Find a way to get the igenex lyme tests and get as much HIV testing as you need (I do not know about these tests). Please at least find out if there is a medical reason to believe, or a real possibility that you have HIV before you settle on this in your mind.
The others are right -- there are so many diseases that can make you feel this bad.
Also, please read the first part of my signature -- what happend in 1971. (and interestingly, I had mono in 1969) I have no idea if this was a TBI, but I also never considered myself to be chronically ill. James, my tonsils were swollen for almost 2 yrs (til I got them out) and they had pockmarks full of pus ALWAYS. I spit out hard pieces of pus regularly. I ran a constant fever. I did not have thrush or a deadly disease -- I had chronically infected tonsils. I never feared I was going to die. I believe it's entirely possible that a tick born infection has caused your white throat and your cough. Maybe it is not even Lyme, but another tick born infection.
AT least I've seen signs of faith in your God in your writings. He will stay with you if you ask Him. I do not intend to offend anyone here who is not a believer, but I want to tell you that you must pray, and you must pray to be guided to the truth and the answers. You can at least do this before you decide to give up. Please at least give God, your Drs, yourself and your family this chance before making a decision that is irreversible.