Wrote this last night.

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Jendays247
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 7/10/2009 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I keep a journal by me constantly...I used to write CONSTANTLY...have some things published, but since I've been pretty sick I don't write as much anymore. Lately, in my insomnia bouts at night, I've been writing a little. I wanted to share this because I bet a lot of people will understand that, and well...I don't have much understanding in my life right now!

July 9th, 2009

I can't remember.
I can't remember what life was like before this. I see things - things I did, places I went, people I knew - but I can't feel anything. I can't remember what life felt like. But why would I? We aren't trained to memorize the experience of having something just because one day it may be gone. There is no 'record' button - you cannot revisit an emotion, a certain sense - no, never to the extent with which it was initially felt.
Sad, isn't it? That we can become so far gone that our memories begin to feel like they belong to someone else. It's like watching a movie and trying to feel exactly what the character feels. You can't. And on a particularly bad day, you can't even imagine it.
Sometimes it can be so terrible that you become convinced that your former self never even existed. The path to those memories has been covered with dirt and a thick, overgrown grass where you once walked - nature's brutal reminder that you are somewhere new, somewhere unfamiliar, somewhere that will never feel like home.
And, one day, submerged in the waters of your life that you're certain you've been in forever but for some reason feel foreign to you - you will begin to drown. Every breath will be a fight. Every breath will be a desperate gasp for air, the air that will save you...but the relief never comes. When you realize this, this inevitable fear sets in: will the moment come that I do not have the strength to reach the surface?
Current treatment (began June 10th 2009):
Biaxin 1000mg/day, Pulsing Flagyl 500mg/day 1 Week Every Month
 
 
 
"...and isn't it a kind of madness to be living by a code of silence when you've really got a lot to say...?"

Post Edited (Jendays247) : 7/10/2009 7:02:47 PM (GMT-6)


veromia333
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 674
   Posted 7/10/2009 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
So we have a writer on our hands.
You have a talent here.
You should publish a book of poems.
This would be worth buying.
I really like your work kid!
The line is faded not showing where Lyme came in. I became a new Mommy n my Lyme decided to show itself. Swollen elephant like knee and finger and limiting back pain. Bell's palsey, weight loss as if I had no muscle on my bones anymore. And much more text book lyme symptoms. To a Lyme doc, after alot of there is nothing wrong with you and a recommend to counceling,he said V this is Lyme. What kept me pressing on I had Lyme while I was pregnant. I know I was not infected while pregnant. I am watching her with an eagle eye. God Bless everyone. Love Veronica. Were the ones who know about Lyme not the doctors. Isnt that just mad? Backwards. Alice in wonderland.


Jendays247
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 652
   Posted 7/10/2009 6:01 PM (GMT -7)   
hahhaa kid...we are the same age, silly!


I'll take it as a term of endearment :)

Glad you liked the entry!
Current treatment (began June 10th 2009):
Biaxin 1000mg/day, Pulsing Flagyl 500mg/day 1 Week Every Month
 
 
 
"...and isn't it a kind of madness to be living by a code of silence when you've really got a lot to say...?"


scorpio1960
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Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 7/10/2009 6:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Very impressive! I can relate to it all and appreciate that you shared it with us.

CajunGrl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4717
   Posted 7/10/2009 6:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Very nice Jen! You are very talented.
2003: Symptoms started;Anxiety,Panic Attacks,Heightened Senses
2007: Diagnosed with Lyme. Didn't start treatment.
2008: Symptoms came back with a vengence.
2009: Diagnosed with Lyme plus co-infections....Babesia and Bartonella.
Illnesses:-Chronic Lyme Disease,Hashimotos Thyroiditis, Ulcers, Hypoglycemia
Medications:-Currently on 1500mg Amoxicillian,Ultram,Thyro Complex 60mg,Probiotics and supplements

**You never know how STRONG you are....until being STRONG is the ONLY choice you have.**

Co-Moderator Lyme Disease Forum


rcenters
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 259
   Posted 7/10/2009 7:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I cannot write eloquently about poor memory but what I can do, is re-read my fiction books 6 months later and it's as if it were a brand new book!
Though after repeating the process more than once there is a diminishing return; eventually it does start to stick...

Turquoise Sky
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 250
   Posted 7/11/2009 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, Jen, you keep writing! I hope you do believe that you will reach the surface though!

Harleyrider
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 283
   Posted 7/11/2009 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
WOW! ! THIS IS WEIRD ! I had a conversation with my bestfriend about those same feelings back in January. Mind blowing ! !

Excellent...Pure Excellent ! !
Thank you
 


james from missouri
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 432
   Posted 7/11/2009 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
that was awesome and scary at the same time.. the human brain is very complex, i have had some of those feelings also...

+Lyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1304
   Posted 7/11/2009 9:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for this, Jendays. You verbalized a whole lotta stuff we couldn't figure out how to say. You did hit one big, fat nail on the head when you said, ' you become convinced that your former self never even existed'.

yup, that's exactly where I am right now.

Suspect TBI in 1972.  Attacked tonsils (recurring high fevers, constant low grade fevers, chronic tonsillitis) , pregnancy (miscarraige), appendix, heart (mitral valve prolapse), hypoglycemia, depression, chronic acute neck and back pain.  

Next suspect Mother's Day 2007.  Diagnosed w/ Lyme and Bart June 2009. (awaiting more test results)

In treatment for recurrent depression, anxiety, low thyroid.

Bit again 7/1/2009, began Doxy 200 mg /day


CajunGrl
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4717
   Posted 7/11/2009 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyme,

That's where I am too. I took dancing for 9 years, did areobics, lifted weights(when I was younger) and walked 30-40 minutes just recently. Now I'm a big fat Lyme blob:(

I feel like someone else did those things and that it was all just a dream.
I have Lyme Disease; Lyme Disease DOES NOT have ME!

**You never know how STRONG you are....until being STRONG is the ONLY choice you have**

Co-Moderator Lyme Disease Forum


Jendays247
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 652
   Posted 7/11/2009 9:39 PM (GMT -7)   
It's horrible, isn't it? I was a dancer for 12 years...I barely had to put forth ANY effort to do well in school...I had an unbelievable memory...and now I'm a big fat stupid lyme blob too, or something like that.
 
I've gained so much weight in the last year it's disgusting. I know that should be the least of my worries, but I already have enough to feel bad about!
Current treatment (began June 10th 2009):
Biaxin 1000mg/day, Pulsing Flagyl 500mg/day 1 Week Every Month
 
 
 
"...and isn't it a kind of madness to be living by a code of silence when you've really got a lot to say...?"


CajunGrl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4717
   Posted 7/11/2009 10:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I hear ya Jen. It makes me upset too. It's enough I have to fight hard to lose weight because of my thyroid. Now I have to fight Lyme too. I was never this big even after my last child and it's not like staying on the couch all day helps either.

Sorry, I needed to vent:(
I have Lyme Disease; Lyme Disease DOES NOT have ME!

**You never know how STRONG you are....until being STRONG is the ONLY choice you have**

Co-Moderator Lyme Disease Forum


RottenDog
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1013
   Posted 7/12/2009 12:48 AM (GMT -7)   
1 of my fav pass times was playing pool. i used to play in turnys when i needed money, it was nothing for me to play 8 to 10 hrs a night 3 to 4 nights a week, now i cant even play 1 game. last time i played was 2 yrs ago and i played 2 games and was worne out. my back was killing me so bad i couldnt handley move. weight didnt have time to catch up to me then. but now that i cant walk it not only cought me but brought all its friends to roost too...lol

i pray that we all will 1 day look back on our post and laugh about what our lives were like with lyme, and then we can relate to our NEW lives lyme free. this is my pray for all.
   RD
 
still looking for answers.
 
Remember that advice if free, its your choice what you do with it.  :)


CajunGrl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4717
   Posted 7/12/2009 12:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Amen to that!
I have Lyme Disease; Lyme Disease DOES NOT have ME!

**You never know how STRONG you are....until being STRONG is the ONLY choice you have**

Co-Moderator Lyme Disease Forum


+Lyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1304
   Posted 7/12/2009 11:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey -- by 'former self' I was not ony referring to how we used to be or all the things we used to be able to do. I'm talking about that loss of self -- like not knowing who I am anymore. It's the neuro stuff. Nothing seems to have any real meaning anymore. I don't know who I am. I search and search thru my mind, looking for myself and it's like I can't find myself in there.

I look around myself and see the things I should be grateful for, but can't seem to find the reason. The things that used to bring me joy don't even move me. It's sorta like I'm living in an empty shell. I am very emotional about some things, but there is no relief in those emotions -- it's like they're deeper because I can't do anything about what has caused the emotions.

Like crying for dogs, for example (as I've done for years). It does reach into me and it causes really deep emotions. But I'm only overwhelmed by them because I feel incapable of doing anything about it, and so little pieces of me die every time I am moved.

well, I don't know how else to describe it, cause I've never been a good writer -- but maybe you kinda know the feeling. I think it's a lot of what Jendays means about loss of self.

where the heck are we?


Suspect TBI in 1972.  Attacked tonsils (recurring high fevers, constant low grade fevers, chronic tonsillitis) , pregnancy (miscarraige), appendix, heart (mitral valve prolapse), hypoglycemia, depression, chronic acute neck and back pain.  

Next suspect Mother's Day 2007.  Diagnosed w/ Lyme and Bart June 2009. (awaiting more test results)

In treatment for recurrent depression, anxiety, low thyroid.

Bit again 7/1/2009, began Doxy 200 mg /day


ttlittlestar
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 296
   Posted 7/12/2009 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
4 months ago that poem was me. I cannot believe the difference in me since then. There really is hope. You really can feel better. The light at the end of the tunnel was not a train:-)

Jendays247
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 652
   Posted 7/12/2009 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
+Lyme,
 
You described it all perfectly. That's exactly how I feel. I notice it especially when sad or tragic things happen...I know I'm sad, but I don't feel like it's real. I almost feel insensitive but I know it's really just numbness and loss of that depth I used to be able to reach emotionally. I also feel hollow inside. It seems absurd to ask for these emotions back, because who would want to feel bad...but it's hard to have that gap between what's happening and your mind.
Current treatment (began June 10th 2009):
Biaxin 1000mg/day, Pulsing Flagyl 500mg/day 1 Week Every Month
 
 
 
"...and isn't it a kind of madness to be living by a code of silence when you've really got a lot to say...?"


scorpio1960
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 7/12/2009 12:19 PM (GMT -7)   
ttlittlestar, Thanks for reminding us that there's hope. Some of us are in pretty bad shape both physically and emotionally.

I also feel as if a little piece of me dies each day and there's not much left to hang onto anymore. I was always a confident, optimistic person and don't even know who I am anymore. I don't look like myself, act like myself or respond to things like myself. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of who I use to be and realize how much I've lost along the way. Even as I write this response I realize it's so unlike me on so many levels. If the changes in me were for the better, I would gladly embrace them.

ttlittlestar
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 296
   Posted 7/12/2009 5:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I was in bad shape the last couple of years and in the last 4 months it all is finally coming together. At one point I started writing out important things others need to know in case I died. And then it was like all the things I was doing to detox finally started making more and more of a difference.

Nicky D
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 361
   Posted 7/12/2009 9:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow Jen...that was really good. Now I'm crying. Oh dear.

I can relate as well- especially to what scorpio says. It's not just not recognizing who I used to be- it's not knowing who I am now. Not knowing what's me, and what's Lyme.

mcjane
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 7/12/2009 10:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Jen,

You write so beautifully, I had to read it twice.
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