Thank you, Vin. I will tell you this: I don't know what I will do, but I won't last 3 yrs of this.
Please tell me about your hospitalization - as much as you can. What did you do? what happened?
I often feel I need to go somewhere like a hospital (mentally), but I have no means of support besides my job, and I have 2 dogs who need me. I don't feel I have any choice.
Sometimes, I feel like just leashing them up and leaving w/ them. To where, I don't know. But, like just to see what happens.
I'm on 150 mg amiltriptyline and xanax as needed. I am too scared to mess w/ the antidepressants -- I don't feel I'd last thru the experimentation w/ new drugs. Much lower doses of Amil. always helped me in the past. My psych thinks I'm taking 200 mg Amil -- he kept pushing me to take more because of my symptoms, but I just don't feel I can take that much -- it scares me.
Even as I argued that my symptoms felt physically caused, I gave in to pressure to see a therapist last year. My first visit, she told me to go to my 'happy place' when anxiety struck. DUH. I was there because I had no 'happy place' to go to!
2nd visit, she told me to ask the psych to increase my meds. I told her I was seeing her because I wanted to get better and OFF of meds. She flat out said, 'You will never be able to go off the meds. You will need these for the rest of your life.'
2 visits and she knew this about me?? Complete and total waste of 80 bucks, that was.
OK, thank you. At least I've made a plan. I will call the LLMD who diagnosed me and make an appt and request refill on Amox. Once I get the Amox, I will cancel the appt because I can't go back to him. I cannt afford to sit in his office while he tries to figure out what to do.
I will call the Dr whose waiting list I'm on. I'm on his Lyme waiting list, he is also ID and PCP. I will tell them all the other junk I'm dealing with, in hopes of getting in there sooner.
Vin, please don't forget to tell what you can about what happened leading up to and during your hospitalization. What kind of hospital? What did they do for you? etc?
My first symptoms started as psychiatric. One day, i just started out of the blue thinking i was dying. my brain went nuts. I just started crying, panicking, crying, screaming, in rage... and sometimes during the day it would let up. but then it always came back. i would just walk in circles feeling like i was going crazy, i felt like i couldnt breathe, i couldnt sleep, stuttering all my words...it felt like i had done 20 lines of coke + 100 cups of coffee. my mind was going 1000 miles a minute. Went to ER after 3 days of this. They gave me ativan and sent me home. Went to GP. Gave me 20 mg of lexapro. Tried to wait it out while lexapro kicked in... but 2 weeks later back at the ER. Was crying and pacing in circles, they admitted me.
My first experience there was a good one. They started me on .5mg klonopin(longer acting than xanax) twice a day and kept me on my lexapro. The klonopin was like a breath of fresh air...panic was mostly gone(started to come back before next doseage though), and i was able to settle in to the environment. Its basically like a bunch of people in different rooms(i didn't have to share a room because there werent that many people). There was a game room, a tv room, couches, etc. They had many activities, therapies, 1 on 1 therapy, meeting with psychiatrist each day. The people in there had many different problems...from depression, to bipolar, to schizophrenia, to panic disorder(which i was DX with). The therapists and psychiatrists told me that it could come from too much stress. I told them that i didnt have any stress really, and that ive never had a panic attack in my life. I ended up being discharged after 7 days. Went home with klonopin and lexapro.
After a few days of being home...panic and crying resumed. it was MUCH worse. I went to a psychiatrist recommended by the doctor in the hospital. He changed my medicine to paxil, xanax, and zyprexa, a mood stabilizer. I tried that for about 3 weeks and i completely went ballistic. My dad and brother rushed me to ER where they had to strap me down and shoot me up with 2 mg of IM ativan. That held me over for 2 hours and then i flipped out again...more IM ativan. Eventuallly i was just drugged beyond recognitiion and I was admitted again.
This time was a much worse experience. The place was packed. I was started on seroquel which was quite possibly the worst drug experience i ever had. I was so zombied that i couldnt even spell the word "the" in scrabble. I had incredible amounts of anxiety, panic, but i couldnt keep my eyes open. It was like being locked inside my body and screaming, but to the outside world i was just comatose. Eventually i convinced them to put me back on klonopin. I started to improve somewhat. The people in there this time were nuts. Heroin addicts, psychotic schizophrenic guy who would scream all day that he was going to kill someone, etc. Was not pleasant especially for someone who had insane anxiety to begin with. Eventually discharged 7 days later. Was now on paxilCR 50 mg, 1 mg klonopin a day, 100 mg trazadone per night for sleep. I felt like a hunk of raw meat, anxious, depressed. i was like that for a few weeks. The paxil started to work and the panic attacks started to dwindle in severity and number. Still was very wired, and anxious and depressed, but was making some headway. Eventually I had a few good days where i felt normal!!!(this was 2 months into it). But then i got sick(this is mid august). Had a fever, joint pains, extreme fatigue.. and my panic and depression came back although not as severe. It went away after about 2 weeks. I felt normal for almost 2 weeks!! I went back to work and thought i was recovering. And then one night i had a fever.... felt very very depressed, and anxious. Joint pains, stomach pains. 5 days later at work I passed out. I also have Ulcerative colitis/chrons... and that day before i passed out i was passing ALOT of blood in my stool. Was quite bad. So workers called 911 and i was rushed to hospital.
For the next 6 months i was treated for my colitis, which finally improved but i was still very sick. Eventually my GI doctor told me he thought I had a virus or something that was fllairing my colitis up. He ran a lyme elisa test and I was very high at 1.91. I ended up finding a lyme specialist and here I am today. I now have a pain management dr, lyme DR, and great psychiatric dr. They are all on my side and understand my disease and are all very smart and helping me. I still have issues with anxiety, depression, but its much more manageable. Sometimes i get a few weeks where I am ok in that department.
I am just glad now to know im not crazy...just sick.
If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or going nuts, the hospital can help you. Every one is different...some arent run well and leave u worse off. But if you are in a lyme endemic area, they will understand you. I had a few people with lyme in there with me! They ended up improving during there stay. however with me, i had no known diagnosis with lyme so they just thought i was nuts. It did help me however. Isnt a great experience, but if you are suicidal it will save your life. They wont let u leave until u make improvements.
Anymore questions, and be glad to help
P.S. Also wanted to say that xanax can be a death trap for those of us with very high, unyielding anxiety/panic. The half life is only a few hours, and the rebound effect is more anxiety/mania/depression when its out of your system. Klonopin(half life of 9-36 hours) or better yet valium(half life of 1-3 days) is much more gradual and will keep constant levels in your system.