Oh Nicky, I am so very sorry. I am really limited on time right now, but I must respond to your post. I, too, know exactly how you are feeling, so please try to hold on and understand this is part of this wretched disease.
I, too believe that the depression is the worst part of this disease. It prevents us from being able to use our mind to build up our immune system and help cure the disease.
I have also learned that when we are in the depths of our depression, all the things that are hurting us or have hurt us eat at us and bring us down-- like the way others view and treat us and the isolation. Because at times of a little relief from the depression, we're able to see and understand these things more clearly and they don't hurt quite as bad.
I'm sorry, I don't know how to express all this. But I want to tell you I understand -- I have been there on and off for years(I seem to be experiencing a little improvement right now) and it is horrible, unbearable, and terrifying. I know that it is the disease because I have been on anti-depressants for years, and they have helped me. Yet they don't even touch me when I'm in the throws of the Lyme depression.
It's like it attacks and takes a grip on you. At these times, nothing that I know of helps. And it is also very painful, physically.
I don't know why our families and friends do not understand. It seems they want to ignore it and they don't want to believe it. If they are healthy, they don't understand such a 'negative attitude' and they don't want to be around it.
Nicky, I know I haven't offered much help, except to say you are far from alone. And I am positive that there are tons of people out there suffering from depression that dont even know they have this disease.
Right now, I feel pretty sure that I went thru what Razzle (was you, wasn't it?) called an 'emotional herx'. Several weeks into Amox (after several weeks of doxy), when I didn't feel any improvement yet, I became a total emotional disaster. I was terrified because I couldn't get a grip or lift myself out of it.
Every day for at least 2 week, I felt a horrible desperation. It slammed me every afternoon and went I got home, the 'S' word would not leave my mind, even tho I know I won't go there. It's like it came to me, it was not me who thought it up. I can't describe how I felt, but I think you know.
Even my daughter, who has been my closest ally and the only person who knows how sick I have felt, didn't want to hear it. She got angry and said 'Mom, you have to get out of this. You have to stop this. You can't do this to yourself anymore. Go see a therapist or whatever, but you are making yourself sicker.'
Yes, the worst part is losing yourself. Even when first treating for depression years ago, I was so strong and such a positive person.
Nicky, I'm still slipping and sliding a little, but it seemed that all of a sudden I got some relief. And I felt slightly less tired, so I think it was some herxing. If you are receiving some treatment, I hope that is what you are experiencing.
I don't know what will help you. You definitely need to be here. It is possible that an anti-depressand may help you. I understand if you don't want to do this, but keep in mind that they do not cause you to lose control. They are nothing like a narcotic. Just make sure to stay close to the prescribing Dr in case it is not the right one for you.
Nicky, again, I'm so sorry. I know it all feels totally black and hopeless. But it really isn't. It WILL get better. PLEASE try to see this as 'temporary', because it is.
You have TONS of good people pulling for you, so we know you will make it! Do all that you can to hang on and recognize this for what it is. YOU are not defective, it is the Lyme that makes you believe otherwise.