thanks for the replies!
i have no idea on what course to take, my heart tells me to leap foward and take another risk, but my mind is telling me to think real hard before you travel down this road again.
i'm feeling better, i have good and bad days still, but i'm living with it. I just feel more confident now, since i'm out looking for a home and feel like i have my head on straight again.. i just wanted to let her know in a sneaky way, that i'm progressing to a better future with or without her... I kinda wanted her to feel like what did i lose before... I never have mentioned this to her, or have told her my feelings yet. we talked tonight for about an hr on the phone, i can tell she is interested again, i asked her if she wanted to hang out, she said yes...this made me nervous!!
i honestly think she might see that i'm the future, and i will be a good husband and will support her... I told her before when we was together, that the timing of us was a little off, if she was around when i first bought my first home, things would've been different.. i was ready for something serious, she didn't come along until after a year after the house purchase, by that time, i was just happy being me and single.. now she sees that i want a house to raise a family in... Its so hard to let go of someone you loved, and now she is back in my life and i feel weird and anxious about it.. i would want to commit to her and let her know its you and me, and not play any games like before... but if i get sick again, what would happen? who knows, only time will tell... i was almost over her, now i'm going backwards...wow!! Love is a crazy thing, its makes us do all sort of things we would never do if we were single.