I know that all of you suffer major physical infirmities. I have plenty, but not to the point I cannot function, altho I often function in severe pain and profound fatigue.
But, as you've seen, I've posted a lot about neuro problems: Brain fog, cognitive failure, idtiot at work, difficulty in speaking, WORSNEING word loss and problems communicating.
The worst of all has been the recurring improving, then worsening of depression. It is physically caused, I know it, because it comes and goes and will knock me down w/ nothing else is wrong. Same for anxiety and total body rigidity, altho I'm treating the worst part of it w/ xanax.
However, my xanax use has increased and I must rely on it and amiltriptyline (sp) to 'knock me out) at bed time and I will still awaken every coupld of hours.
I also have a problem w/ this short term memory. At nite, I space my xana, so I can begin to unwind, but will gradually increase the dose. My memory is so bad that immediately after I take a xanax, I can't remember if I already took it and will take it again. I truly believe this is how people like Marilyn Monroe and others have OD'ed. They required higher and higher doses, and so then if they were drinking, and were not experiencing the relief of the drug (and sleep), would take another and another, not being able to recall how much they have already taken. Sometimes I will remember to lay out my dose, so I will know what i have taken.
At the time I believe I was infected w/ lyme, my drinking got weird. Not a full blown alcholic, but I did enjoy my 3- under 5 beers daily. I had loved my beer for years. At the time I believe I contracted lyme, that all went weird. I lost my taste for beer altogether, it gave me unmanageable diahwhatever and made me feel horrible, so I lost all interest and stopped.
I could probaly choke down a beer if you gave me one, but I'd rather not. EVery now and then I tried something else, tho nothing harder than Mike's hard pomegranet punch. (it is delicious!) SO I'm now imbibing this much more than I shoudl while having lyme. Not sure I'm addicted to it, but I won't drinking anything else. And I can only drink a couple.
POINT: When my depression has crashed, as I"ve said before, it is unbearable. I am despondent and desperate. It seems to come on suddenly for no reason, altho I'm noticing it is somehow related to my Amox and my smoking. When I am feeling this desperate, I feel comepletely bottomed out on the confusion, desperation, hopelessness, worthlessness, self hatred, etc etc etc.
I always experience the frantic desire to 'escape'. I want to just stop doing anything and see what happens. I want to leave town alone and find isolation. I contemplate suicide, altho I know I can't do it. Again, as I've said, the thought pesters me and nags at me and it scares me.
I smoke and I also know that smoking causes me self loathing and disgust in myself. But I can't quite make that switch.
So, mostly, I crave being able to go away somewhere, check in and get help: for the drugs (all prescription!), smoking, depression and probably alchohol (tho I know it's a matter of time before I wn't be able to find my hard pomogranet punch and I won't want to drink anything esle.
I have a strong desire to commit myself somewhere for lyme and co infection treatments, along w/ smoking cessation, which I know it a huge part of my depression.
Is there any such place? Not that I could go because of my dogs, but maybe I could think on and it and just maybe the thoughts of actually doing it would help me, even if I can't.
Does this make any sense? I am at a loss here. Often, I feel I can't take it anymore and no one else understands.
If any of you know what could help me, please let me know. I am home ill today and plan to make an appt w/a lyme knoweldable PCP covered by my ins. These Drs were referred to me by the KC Lyme Association. They may not be the best LLMDS, buwere referred as PCPs who are learning to treat lyme.
Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia, chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.
What don't these nasty bugs cause?
CD57= 60, so we're in pretty good shape.
Post Edited (+Lyme) : 10/14/2009 8:22:18 AM (GMT-6)