I won't be here much, so responses are not necessary. I just checked in to see what folks are posting about
-- I don't know, maybe checking for a miracle?
Also stopping by in case anyone feels as desperate as I, to know they are not alone, even tho we have no answers.
Someone's post said 'Lonely w/ Lyme' and that is so God awful true.
I completed 2 months 3500 mg/day Amox. It was hell and I wanted to kill myself every day, except that I didn't really want to go away and die. When the Amox was done, I had a lot of relief, esp from pain and the constant buzzing and throbbing. The anxiety and depression hit at times, but seemed a little better. I entertained the notion that I was cured.
And maybe I am -- maybe I am left w/ the effects, like thyroid and adrenal, which I'm looking to get treatment for.
But I'm also here to tell others who might feel this way -- No, I am not detoxing as I should, and I'm having a hard time even making myself take my vitamins. I struggle really hard just to get thru each day, which all seem like blurs. My hope and motivation for anything are completely dead. Gone.
I don't want to die, but I don't want to do what I have to do to survive. I can't push myself anymore.
Back to the 'lonely w/ lyme'. Nobody cares anymore. They are sick of hearing about the blackness that overtakes me -- it feels like I have no control over it. Because it's time for me to pick myself up and get well. Because other people do that -- they overcome breast cancer and fibromyalgia and all kinds of stuff, they do not go into a black hole like I do. They do their chores and they have some fun and they do stuff for other people.
I have had depression before and it was nothing similar to this. And I have overcome it w/ diet, exercise and medication in between. But this time, I cannot force myself to do anything productive to help myself. Wallowing, pure wallowing.
I was able to get myself to an attorney to declare Chpt 13 because I had no choice. And I got myself to a chiropractor because of my neck and back pain and the work I was missing because of it. But haven't yet been able to get myself to another Dr about the thyroid and adrenals, because of all the work I have missed, but I am still trying. Almost ready.
A major set back: I have scoliosis which was not severe while growing up -- it was pretty pronounced and you could see it, but I never really cared. I've put up w/ constant back pain my whole life, but it got so bad I could not take it anymore -- w/ the muscle spasms that go from shooting to hot to icey When this Dr showed me my xrays I almost vomited. My neck is curved in the wrong direction and you can see the squish squashed vertebrae at the bottom of the curve. Which means the discs in there must be crushed -- would need an mri to see them. Then my spine curves 60degrees one direction and then 72 degress the other way. IN that last curve, the vertebrae look a total squashed mess. God knows what has become of those discs.
The chiro can help me (no manual adjustments) to feel better, he thinks, by creating some movement between vertebrae. But I need to do certain exercises, etc or I may face a collapse in another 10 yrs.
Still, the mental and emotional pain is worse than anything physical -- it is unbearable. And I have nowhere to turn w/ it anymore, nobody cares.
I am so over it, I just want to be somebody else. Nobody likes me anymore and I detest myself. If I didn't have my parents who will need me one day soon, and my kids and my dogs, I know I would just check out.
One day I may get on here and tell you there is hope and that I am well or at least have found a way to live. I admire the tenacity of those here who are sicker than I am, who keep pushing because they have to. Because right now, I can't.
In my opinion it is absolutely criminal that we have no reliable tests -- like comprehensive blood tests that are acceptable and paid for by insurance -- that will show the freaking spirochetes if they are in our blood. Given our medical 'advancement', you know that should be possible.
Anyway, I understand the 'lonely w/ Lyme'. I am lonely because I have no one with me, to help me, and i'm lonely because I do not even want to be around anybody anymore. I am sorry if this is rambly, but this is f'ing lyme or the results of f'ing lyme and it's not fair and it's not right.
Take care, everyone and keep fighting and holding on.