I am sincerely sorry about how you feel. All of us are not as sick as you are, but many of us have found ourselves in the same emotional condition. Almost daily I imagine ending it all --- for me, it is an unbearable mental state that comes on that wants me to do this. But as soon as I look around, wondering who could be trusted to take care of my dogs, or who even would, and then I think of how deeply this would hurt my parents and my kids, I know this is not what I want.
I've also had some stuff show on my xrays that scare me to death. The point here is NOT that I want to tell you some of us have it just as bad --- the point is, that when these things are scaring me, I then know that I do NOT want to die yet. I want to get well and DO SOMETHING, even tho it may not be much.
We will all pray for you. Please pray for mercy. Please pray for strength. We are with you and we are praying and pulling for you. Pray for miracles.
As for your husband, we are sorry about that too. But most of us experience this situation also. People who do not feel like we do just don't understand. After awhile it wears on them and the sympathy runs out. I don't believe they are bad or really don't love us.
Often, it seems that those suffering from cancer or other deadly or chronic diseases are able to hold up their attitudes and spirits better than we can.
For me, it really does seem that part of this disease is to bring us down to our bottoms. I believe it is a way the disease can succeed and continue. And so it battles with our spirits and hope and emotions.
I hope that the darkest feelings you had yesterday have passed, even if only for awhile. Please keep reminding yourself that those feelings are a part of this disease, themselves. You are in a very bad predicament right now, but I believe that if you can scrimp up ANY strength, prayer, and an ounce of hope and belief, that you can move beyond this worst and unbearable position.
Please hold on -- this hasn't gotten you yet. Do not allow Lyme to win -- that is it's purpose. I am not going to tell you to adjust your attitude, jump up and fight, because I know that you do not have it in you right now. I know this because I go there almost daily and it is something you just can't do. But you can push yourself to take one baby step now and then. Forcing myself to hang out w/ my kids, if only for going out for a burger or watching a movie they think I will like takes me out of the worst zone now and then.
Do not ever let yourself forget that your feelings and your situation are TEMPORARY. It will not always be this dark and scary and unbearable -- much of it will pass for awhile, even tho it will come back sometime for awhile. But you MUST believe this is temporary. Please do not hurt your husband and family by throwing in the towel.
Even tho I have experienced the depths of despair, I recognize that these feelings are physically caused. And at thes times, the depression and hopelessness are unbearble. My entire mind becomes unbearable and I realize that I am not thinking and feeling thoughts and feelings that are really mine. This is very scary, because Im coming to understand that many people who take their lives not only felt low, but their minds have been scrambled and have not been their own. I've experienced this and it scares me that I may think about something I don't want to think about and that it could cause me to do something I really don't want to do.
It certainly sounds like your husband loves you very much. Still, he is a human, he is a man. There are limits to his understanding and his patience. As much as I wish I also had someone to support me and help me fight this, I also understand that it nearly impossible for someone to handle for years.
Maybe you should try to give him a bit of a break. Try very hard to smile. If you are down in your depths and can't climb out, try to battle this on your own for just a little bit. He may appreciate the break, yet will still see that you are hurting and in pain. He doesn't know what to do and I think this is very common for partners of those who are suffering.
Please continue to pray and to hold on and to never forget that this is temporary.
Here's something a little strange: I hate to sound like a drug pusher and I fully understand that each person is different. I have been on antidepressants for years. They have helped the constant Lyme pain that feels like inflammation, throbbing, aching and sore, but not my mental stuff.
But sometimes, not always, when I go into my black hole (God, it is ugly and NO ONE will listen to it anymore), even tho this is not anxiety, often a xanax or 1 1/2 will ease this -- kind of mellowing out my mind and those feelings of desperation.
I don't know what to say about your disability. Is there ANY way you and your husband can find a way to live off his income for awhile longer? As Dave Ramsey says, 'sell some stuff' and stop spending.
Please keep us posted. If there is one single statement in here that helps you even a little, then that is a good sign.