I do not know how to describe it -- maybe others of you can, and I"m sure we've discussed it before. Right now, this troubles me the most, because it seems that if I hadn't lost my self somewhere, I'd be better able to deal w/ everything else this disease entails.
First, I think about my self too much. It seems as if we all do. I feel like I might feel better mentally if I could get past this, but I can't. I think about myself too much, yet mostly it feels as if I'm grieving for the loss of my self. I don't know where I went. I don't know what happened. I don't really know who I am anymore. I search and search and get nowhere.
The grief and the loss feels profound. The feelings of loss are often unbearable. This horrible depression and grief (which we have discussed at length) generally came around the same time of day, each day. Altho it often started near the end of my work day, and I was grateful for that, and I was able to be relatively normal at work (tho they don't know who I used to be....), now it has started sometimes at work and that scares me.
I had been able to keep this part from my boys -- they know I have lyme, but like everyone else, do not understand all that it means. I have been spending some time w/ them on most Saturdays -- usually to eat and watch a couple shows, and I have felt OK and enjoyed myself, inspite of the exhaustion. Now it is creeping into this place that used to be 'safe'.
I went there OK yesterday after having gotten a good haircut. Then I immediately realized my front tooth was badly broken and it looks horrible and I don't even know how it happened. And I've already used my dental insurance limit for the year and am in debt to the dentist.
Anyway, obviously this is not just about a front chipped tooth. There is so much about myself that I hate and who I don't know. They could not understand what happened to me because of a chipped tooth.
I can't tell them everything I feel. They do not understand the disease and the things that I feel -- the grief and the depression and the pain -- it would hurt them. I am now just a negative person who seems to be feeling sorry for herself all the time. I don't want to be this person.
Don't misunderstand -- they do not accuse me of this -- they just dont understand how having a couple of things wrong causes me to lose it and feel totally hopeless. And it is me who knows I have become a negative person who feels sorry for herself all the time. I hate this person. I want rid of this person. I can't stand this person anymore.
I CANNOT GET A GRIP.
Will we ever be able to find ourselves again? The loss of self. That's what this is about. We could write for hours and hours (and have) and yet not fully describe it.
It feels as if that tiny tick literally sucked the life out of me. And he broke me.
(and yes, I am in treatment for depression)
Does most everyone feel something like this?
Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia, chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.
Post Edited (+Lyme) : 7/18/2010 11:56:20 AM (GMT-6)