WEll, just in case this helps anyone, I had a whopper of one today. It almost always starts late afternoon, going into very early evening. I tell you it's unbearable. It is like a combination anxiety/depression. I cannot even describe it, but it's a living nightmare!
Today, for the first time, I felt I was losing all control -- I started rocking in my chair and kept rocking and rocking hard. I felt like I wanted to bash my head thru something. I was hyperventilating and felt like I might explode. I cannot even describe it except it is horrifying and unbearable.
At these times, I feel so desperate for help, but then realize it is not possible. There is no one in my family that could handle this. I can't even expect them to, because it would only hurt them and they would have no idea what to do. I can't find any positive reason to reach out to any of them. I have latched onto my daughter before, but can't do that anymore -- it hurts her too bad when I feel suicidal and when she sees me in such desperate shape.
I will often feel so desperate that I want to go to a hospital. However, in reality, I can't. I have 2 dogs and a job that must be done, that simple. It all feels so unfair.
Also, I work VERY closely w/ 3 total *****ES. I know that I am not sane, and also know that ALL of them have their own issues and in 2 of them, insantiy is a part.
This sounds so petty and I know the answer is to ignore them and keep doing my job. The issue is that they have decided that they hate me. Yes, I am SICK and am not constantly totally 'up' and positive, altho I try hard everday, at least until they shut me down. Yet I have never done anything to any of them. They over react on everything, play stupid games, like '3 against 1' ha ha ha.
When I walk into work and tell everyone good morning, they do not even acknowledge me. Often when I ask a work related question, they ignore me, or answer in a very put down, snotty manner. If I approach an area in the office where one of them is doing someting, for example, using the copy machine -- couple of them will throw up their hands, make a horrifying face as if I am a monster coming to eat them up, act totally flustered and then act pissed at me the rest of the day, because I did God Knows What.
Anyhow, this sounds so minor and petty, but it is seriously interfering w/ my desire to go to work, plus, often now the depression and anxiety come on earlier. I do not care about
these ladies or whether they like me, but it is very difficult to go to work when your co-workers behave as if you are a monster or total B.
I know how I SHOULD work this and I try anew each day to be positive and helpful at work. I know we are supposed to pray for our enemies and turn the other cheek, but I am too appalled at their audacity to behave like this at work.
Anyway, just to say that at one point in time, I would have been able to put them in their place. But right now, because of my depression, it hurts, and I DO NOT wish to act like any one of them. And I will not. I zip my mouth.
Oh, shoot, enough of all that, sorry.....
Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia, chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.